Bad Text Sex, Good Car Sex, The Exclusive Chat…

I’ve been a little out of action recently. It’s been a busy few days so I thought I would let you know what was happening in my life.

We shall start with The Big Love obsession. I was trundling though my two week crash break up course of sad, soppy movies and crying myself to sleep but to be honest, I just got a bit bored of being a manic depressive so it would appear that I snapped myself out of it. Yes I still miss him. Yes he has been posting pictures of his loved one on Facebook. Yes I’ve seen them. Yes they make me feel sick. No, I’m not letting it get me down. GO ME!

I did buy a couple of self help books which I’ve not started as yet. We will talk about those at a later date.

Back to the real world, and I think I’ve made a mistake. Number 8, who from this point forward we shall call Super Woman (I will explain in a sec) has popped back up into my life. The best man from my wedding; we once had a drunken dalliance, and a couple of nights ago I may have accidentally had text sex with him. Ooooops my bad!

It started innocently enough – he text me asking how I was, I replied, we spent the day messaging polite small talk, and then the reminiscing began. Did I remember the night we spent together? Did I remember that he didn’t finish? Did I remember that he made me bleed because he was super rough, and he stopped because he didn’t want to hurt me? Of course I remembered all these things; it’s probably up there in my top ten bad sex stories. I was drunk, not unconscious!

He said I owed him and the flirting started. I’m a very flirtatious person, so I hadn’t quite realized where the conversation was going until it was too late, and by that point, I was bored and horny so just kind of went with it.

This post, just so you know, is not going to be a nasty, naughty, passionate remembrance like some of my previous posts. Oh no! This, ladies & gentlemen, is how NOT to have text sex.

He sent me a picture; a penis picture. Here comes my first problem. It was kind of out of the blue. We were flirting but I didn’t realize we were at THAT point of the conversation. Here comes my second problem – he was a hairy mess. I don’t know about you girls, but I at least like my guy to have a somewhat trimmed hairstyle going on down there. This looked like a matted mess. Blurgh.

He sent me a video; he was jerking off. There is no real way to make an 11 second video of yourself beating off look good, but this one was the worst. I could see his grubby looking bed sheets, his dirty & bitten finger nails, his matted bush, a bit of a messy room, and all in all, the picture he painted was not an attractive one.

He wanted a picture back. Fuuuuuuck. Now what do I do? This guy has seen me naked, he’s been inside me, and he’s clearly trying his hardest to make me want him…. I sent a picture back. Nothing too sexual (I have an album of kinky, rude photos of me… You know, good ones that I can fall back on should the need arise) – I was lying on my front, but you could clearly see the outline of my breasts underneath me and my ass just behind. You get the idea. I had hoped this would make him cum, and that would be the end of it. There is no way to stop text sex half way through, especially not in a polite manner. Damn my flirtatious nature!

This, apparently, was not enough. He wanted, in his words, “fanny.”

Fanny?!? I’ve not said that word since I was five years old, and I certainly didn’t want my vagina called that! This guy clearly doesn’t know how to text sex a gal.

I didn’t send “fanny” but I did send a tit-shot. Still not enough to make him cum….

I did what any girl in her right mind would do in this situation. I told him I was close and I wanted him to cum with me. In my mouth, to be precise. In came another video…. The money shot. Same grubby bed sheets, same dirty, bitten finger nails, same disgusting bush…. I “came” with him, of course… Whilst I was folding my laundry, and getting myself ready for bed. After all that “excitement” I told him I was tired and “fell asleep.”

The next night, he text me. “I can’t wait for the games to start tonight”

Crap! It wasn’t a one off! He wants to do it again! He also wants to come down this weekend and finish that weekend that we started years ago. This brings me to the Super Woman story.

I broke up with The Hubby and moved back from the European country to my home town. This break up lasted two weeks and was because he had taken all of our bank cards with him when he went away to work for a month. Anyway, I bumped into Super Woman in a bar. We laughed about the wedding day, had a few drinks and ended up back at his hotel room. The whole night long he had been dressed as Super Woman, hence the name. I didn’t know why he was dressed like that, and I never found out. It was very random. It was a drunken, messy night that didn’t leave good memories. He couldn’t stay hard, and I think I got my period that night. He thought he had fucked me so hard he made me bleed, so he stopped and he didn’t cum. Neither did I.

Ever since that night, there have been repeated attempts from him to finish it off. He came to my birthday party and tried to take me home, so I ended up making out with the Bestie that I’ve never had a dalliance with to get him off my back.

Now, because of my stupidity, I have started something and I’m not sure how to get out of it. How do I tell him that the thought of taking him to bed again wasn’t something I relished? I don’t want his grubby hands all over my body, nor did I want to pull remnants of his disgusting bush from my vagina for days to come! (Come on ladies; it happens!!!)

Once again I have found myself in a pickle. Maybe if I ignore it for long enough, he might go away? I honestly don’t know how I find myself in these situations. The past few days, he has been texting me on and off, but I’ve ignored most of them, or replied with “I’m busy at work” style messages. Hopefully he’ll soon get the hint.


Back to the good stuff, and it was One Ball’s birthday the other day. We’ve not been dating that long so I really didn’t know what to get him. He reads books, but he has a Kindle so I can’t buy him those. He doesn’t wear cologne. I don’t know what size clothes he wears… The gift-buying became difficult. I had thought about dressing up for him, but I did a quick sexy-underwear shop after work and I couldn’t find anything I liked that fit my huge boobs, or was acceptable to wear underneath normal clothing. We decided, instead of me buying him a gift, I would buy dinner and treat him to a movie instead. He came to pick me up, I got dressed and then everything started to go a bit wrong. The car wouldn’t start firstly, so we ended up going to a shitty restaurant down the road from where I lived. The food was good, the company was amazing, and we headed back to mine. He wanted to see if the car would work, and it did! This is where things started to get a bit better….

We went for a drive and found a secluded spot where I worked my magic. Wink wink. Long story short, we fucked in his car – the front seats, the back seats, hand prints all over the window, loud, nasty, grunting fucking! It was amazing!

HOWEVER I’ve found a few things about One Ball that pisses me off. He takes too long in bed. It takes him an age to cum, and I don’t know if this is because of the one ball thing, or if I’m doing it wrong, but it’s never a quickie, and sometimes a gal just needs a damn quickie.

The second thing that bugs me is his face. He pulls some of the most random facial expressions when we’re fucking, and it puts me off a bit to be honest. When it’s dark it’s not so bad, but when the lights are on… he just looks kind of ugly. It’s not a big thing, and I don’t think it’s enough to kick him to the kerb just yet, but the fact that I’m starting to find faults is worrying me a bit.

We had the “exclusive” chat last night. He is getting sent to another part of the country in a week or so for work, and it means that we will be doing the long distance thing. We had to have the chat at some point I guess. We’ve been dating for around six weeks now, and we’ve shared secrets, fantasies and some pretty awesome sex; it was only going to be a matter of time before this conversation came up. I bit the bullet and said yes. We are now boyfriend and girlfriend I guess. I am in a relationship.

This brings me to another problem. My Mr. Grey – what am I going to do? I don’t know if we are meant to be dating other people, or if we are exclusive to each other. In my defense, I did ask him what the deal was and he couldn’t answer… Fuck my life! Things just keep on getting complicated. Despite my reservations about One Ball and the fact that he has kids, I think we may actually have something here, so I’m willing to give it a go. The good thing is that he is not on Facebook, so we don’t have to do the relationship thing on there. This means that for a while at least, I can hide it from My Mr. Grey but long term… Who knows?

To be honest, I have no idea what I’m doing, or where my tangled relationship status is going but I’m just going to ride it out. One Ball doesn’t do long distance relationships very well, or so he told me, so there is no point in telling My Mr. Grey if there is a chance that One Ball and I won’t work, right? I guess only time will tell…

5 thoughts on “Bad Text Sex, Good Car Sex, The Exclusive Chat…

  1. Jaded Joe

    Firstly, I’m glad to see you’re back in better spirits. 🙂 Kudos. Secondly, fanny? Really? Is he 60? Did he offer to do you on his davenport? Don’t beat around the bush with that one (more puns!). Buy him some clippers, tell him to trim the hedges and have a nice day. Sheesh, I’d never send someone a pic of my junk if it were overgrown, besides, when it’s nice and trimmed it looks bigger. 😉

    Nice to read you as always. 🙂


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