I keep coming across these articles in places such as Cosmo, telling men “how to perform perfect cunnilingus” and other such bollocks. Admittedly, I have learned a few tips and tricks from articles like these in magazines and on websites, but for the most part, I find myself giggling at the ridiculous things I’m reading. There’s no such thing as perfection. Also, every woman is different. We all want or need different things to get there.
I don’t know how to make the “average” woman come via cunnilingus, therefore I feel that the title “How to Give Your Girlfriend the Best Head of Her Life” would probably border on false advertising. I’m going to take a different approach instead.
This is How to Give Your Girlfriend the Best Head of Her Life
… according to me. So, essentially, how to give me the best head of my life.
What’s the point in this, I hear you ask? Well, a while back, a few of the other bloggers and I were doing what we do best: taking the piss out of yet another poorly-written Cosmopolitan article, and I came up with an idea. Cosmopolitan should let ACTUAL sex bloggers have control of the sex pieces in their magazine once in a while. Well, all the time, actually, but I’d settle for just once. Do you know why I think this? Because then the stuff you read would be REAL. None of this “anal sex is bad” bullshit that I keep coming across.
*Because anal sex is not bad. I could probably find a hundred and one blog posts explaining why this is most definitely not the case. I’ll probably just start with this one by Exhibit A though:
In the spirit of being all talk AND all walk, I’m sharing the piece that I’d probably submit to Cosmopolitan if I was ever asked to write a guide on making a woman come through oral.
Getting head, oral, licking pussy, cunnilingus …
There are a hundred and one things you could call it. So many women complain that so many men don’t know how to do it, so either I’ve been super lucky with the men I’ve chosen to let into my underwear or I have some sort of radar that ensures I only go to bed with men who have great oral skills. Because, let me tell you, I have had many, many orgasms from a good ol’ session of oral sex. I figured that would give me plenty of experience when it comes to conveying what I like.
When you give me head, it needs to be about the entire experience. You can’t just dive south, head for my cunt and hope everything works as you want it to. My body works pretty well because I know what to do with it, but not even I can muster up an orgasm when the captain of my ship doesn’t have the right technique.
At the same time, I don’t really need an actual technique. A steady, lapping rhythm will often get me there eventually, and so will small circles made with the tip of your tongue around my clit, but a combination of these, mixed in with some clever finger-action and a bit of experimentation, and you’ll turn things from orgasm to O-O-O-O-ORGASM! And isn’t that just what you want to do?
Start with my nipples.
You should start by kissing my neck. That’ll make goosebumps erupt across my body so you’ll feel my excitement as you run your fingers up and down the raised and bumpy skin on my arms. Whisper the naughty little things you want to do to me in my ear, and let your breath tickle the hairs on the back of my neck. And then, when it’s very evident what your intentions are, place your hand on the base of my back and lead me to the bedroom. It’s a dominant, yet gentle move, all in one.
When we get to the bedroom, undress me slowly. Kiss me as you do so, passionately, intensely, deeply. Take a moment to dip your head and twirl your tongue around the nipple you’ll playfully release from my bra. Leave my bra on, take it off, I don’t really care what you do with it as long as you play with my nipples. The right tweaks and touches will leave me wetter than you could ever imagine, as though they have a direct connection to my cunt.
Position me where you want me on the bed, wherever it’s easy and comfortable for you, and kiss your way down my stomach as you take off whatever clothes I’m still wearing. Admire me, look at me, take in what you have in front of you. Make me believe you’re hungry for it. Kiss and bite at my flesh and use your hands to grasp and grab handfuls of it on my hips and my thighs. Bite my hip bones, really bite them. Leave a mark. Be dominant. I want to know that you’re desperate to devour me, every single little part of me, all of the womanly flesh I have around the sexiest parts of me.
Look at my cunt, marvel at it, study it. Don’t dive in yet. There’s still plenty of time for that. The more impatient you make me, the quicker it’ll be for you to make me come — and the more toe-curling it’ll be for me. Glide your hands all over my body as you get close enough to my clit for me to feel your breath, but far enough away that I whimper a little with desperate wanting. Reach up to play with my nipples, pinch them, twist them a little, be rougher than you think is okay with them. I like it. The shooting pain might make me cry out, but it also sends a pulse directly to my cunt. I long for you to touch and play with my nipples while you’re enthusiastically lapping at my cunt, so please don’t forget about them.
Take your time when you finally get there.
Don’t touch my cunt, ignore my clit, don’t give me those touches I’m starting to crave. Make me work for it. Tease me. Play with me. Kiss and bite at my stomach, nibble and lick at my thighs, caress around my labia. My lips are far more sensitive than most people give them credit for, and a slightly painful tug can leave me gushing all over your hand. If you bite and suck on them before, during, and after I come, I’ll love you forever for it. That’s the thing I never say to you when you ask me what I want: I want you to play with the entirety of me more often. My clit, my cunt, my lips, my ass, everything. Please just play with me. I won’t neglect the sensitive parts of your body if you promise to not neglect mine.
Oh, and don’t forget the kissing. Kiss me everywhere. Kiss me more. Kiss me while you have my own cunt juices smeared around your face. Let me taste myself. Make me taste myself.
Your actual oral technique itself isn’t overly important.
Getting that rhythm right might seem like a big deal, but it’s not. Not to me. My body is fairly easy to read and interpret. My moans and groans will let you know when you’re doing things right and hitting the perfect spot, and if I’m not squirming or squiggling because of your capable hands and mouth, try something else — switch it up. That’s the trick: experiment, try different things, don’t stick to what you know. Think outside the box. I want you to find all of those spots I really like … and then some I’m not aware of yet.
I want you to push your fingers inside me as you’re licking me, one finger to start with. Arch it up, heading towards the top of my pelvis from within, and stroke that little fleshy section. It’s like rubbing the Genie’s lamp; magic things will happen if you do. Do it at the same time as drawing circles around my clit with your tongue and you’ll make me come in no time at all. You can speed things up by playing with my nipples, or you could order me to do it and put on a good show for you. I’d probably do whatever you asked, so feel free to throw a few commands my way.
You could always ask me to show you how I like it, but without actually asking me at all. Grab my hand and push it towards my cunt, urging me to touch myself so you can be entertained and educated all at once. Learn from me, watch me, copy me, do as I do and you’ll soon get it right. Encourage me to play with myself and you’ll soon become the best lover I ever had. I’ll show you how to get the sparks flying.
It’s not all about the circles, though. Dragging your tongue up one side of my clit and then down the other also feels amazing, as does light strokes directly over it. Not too much pressure; I don’t like that. I do like it when you moan and mumble while you’re down there, though, the low vibrations working magic almost as much as actually hearing your appreciative noises.
If you’re doing it right, you’ll start to notice a change in my breathing.
It’ll get louder and more ragged as that oh-so-fabulous O gets closer. My hands will start to grasp at the sheets, at your hair, at everything and anything within reach. My hips will start to move, swaying and bucking, trying to match the motion of your relentless tongue that, every now and again, will take a break from its torment of my clitoris, and will change to lapping up the sticky, wet mess your deft fingers created instead. While you’re there, feed me my own fluids from your fingers. Just reach up from your spot at the foot of the bed and let me taste myself. I love that.
Use your tongue and drag it up and down the entirety of my cunt. Lick my ass too, if you like that kind of thing. Later on, when we’ve played around a little more, I’ll even let you play a bit more.
Just play with me. I can’t express that enough. Just play with me. Play with all of me. Use your hands to explore, squeeze and grab my body. Feel free to let your mouth go wild. Leave little bite marks on the insides of my thighs from where you get a little too carried away and bruises from grasping too hard. I want to know that you want me, that you really want me, that my cunt is the only thing you want to be eating. I want to know that I’m being — I’ve been — devoured by you.
When you think I’m getting close, be prepared to hold on tight.
If you continue to use your fingers inside me, maybe even adding a second digit to the mix, you’ll probably make me gush as you keep lapping at my clit. You’ll know when it’s coming because my back will arch. All of a sudden, I won’t be able to breathe. My legs will start to violently shake. You’ll feel a flooding in your mouth — a very positive sign that you have done a very good job. And I don’t want you to stop.
The bucking motion of my hips will start to slow down and as this happens, I want you to slowly and lightly lick me clean. All the mess you just made, I want you to clean it up, softly, deliberately, carefully. I want you to enjoy it, to ensure every last drop has been lapped up, and I want you to do it with a big beaming smile on your face. You just did that to me: the leg shaking and the hand-grasping and everything else that comes with making me come, so you should be smiling. You have done a great job, well done!
You need to be careful, though — careful and gentle. I’ll be super sensitive afterward and too much pressure anywhere near my cunt, especially my clit, will drive me insane. It’ll become too much. Too sensitive. No longer enjoyable.
But then I’ll want you to hold me.
I want you to wrap your big arms around me and hold me close. Right there, at that moment, I bared my heart and soul to you. You had everything I had to offer. You had my entire body in your hands, doing the most intimate thing you can do to me, and I let you have it, all of it – the big bang. I don’t let just anyone go down there. I don’t let just anyone do that.
But that’s how you give me the best head of my life. I hope I’ve given you enough tricks and tips to blow your partner’s mind. Don’t forget to come back and let me know either way! 😉