In a previous post (The Nation of (Emotional) Hoarders), I talk about the little things that we keep from past lovers – all those love letters and mementos of the romantic and adorable times you had together. I mentioned a letter that my Hubby had sent me, apologising for punching me in the face. I have decided to publish that letter. Brave? Or stupid?
I kept the letter for all this time in case our divorce got messy. The divorce we still haven’t gotten started on yet. Eye roll.
Anyway, this is the letter he gave me:
“Once a man admits he is sorry, he is completely forgiven for all the wrong-doings.”
I don’t think that cuts it here. In fact, I don’t think any dumb movie quote will pull me out of this shit smelling anything nearly like roses.
I don’t know how, why or when, but I seem to be destined, pre-programmed or however you want to put it, to mess up or fuck up every time I get something good going.I’ve always done it with everything for as long as I can remember, and now you know it as well.
Maybe I’m not the sort of person you should have married. Maybe I’m not the sort of person anyone should.
I’m a dick. We all know that. No matter what, maybe I’m never gonna get rid of that cunt that I used to be. Still am. In fact, probably more of.
I wanna be happy, have my own family and grow old with someone at my side. The bottom line is, no matter what, I want it to be with you.
I’ve always said that if I could change the past, I wouldn’t because it would change me and everything else. Now I’m not so sure. I wish I could take back all the lying and cheating and beating and make everything as perfect as I could between us. But then maybe we wouldn’t be together and something else would have driven us apart.
I really want this to work but maybe there’s something really wrong with me. I can’t be fully faithful. I don’t think I can sleep with just one person for the rest of my life. I really want to but I don’t think I can help myself. The little voice keeps telling me I can’t. As I’ve already said, I don’t think I can ever fully get rid of THAT guy.
“I love you. Always have, always will”
I can promise anything you want like:
- Sell the car
- Get you a new cat
- Get you a new pet
- Not go out
- Not have a life
- Not drink
- Do everything you say, when you say it
- Play by your rules from now on
- Never lie to you about anything no matter how small
But none of that really matters. What does matter is I will love you til death do us part. I will treat you as you deserve; like a princess. I will try and be they man and husband you deserve. I’ll TRY and be 100% faithful. I’ll TRY and never lie to you again. I will NEVER hit you again.
Writing this down has been really hard. Same as trying to talk to you about it. You know you need an excavation team to try and get my feelings and emotions out.
I know this is short compared to what you probably want but I can’t put down anything else at the minute. Except I love you, I want to be with you, I want us to work and most importantly, I don’t want you to leave me. You are my rock and you keep my feet on the ground.
It was much harder writing that down than I thought it would be. As I read and tapped away, tears filled my eyes, and as much as I refused to let them roll down my cheek those words still affect me. I remember him giving me that letter with a bunch of roses and a big teddy bear. He walked into the house (for the first time since he punched me in the face,) and took a step back when he saw my face. I don’t think he realised how hard he’d hit me at the time, but the bruises, split lip, stitches and swelling sure reminded him of his own strength. He broke down there and then in front of me. I walked out of the room. I didn’t want to talk about it. I couldn’t bear to even think about it.
I should have left him right there and then, right after he gave me that letter. He doesn’t think he can sleep with just one person for the rest of his life? Are you kidding me? Fuck off. I’m worth so much more than that. You CAN sleep with just me for the rest of your life. I’m fucking awesome in bed AND I would have given you everything you never wanted. You absolute cunt.
I will never, ever forgive this guy for what he put me through. He almost destroyed me with a torrent of physical and mental abuse. And one day, I hope karma bites him in the ass and gives him all the shit he gave me right back. He deserves everything he gets.