Dear One Ball,
There are a lot of reasons I broke up with you, and I know that you’re going to disagree with at least 90% of them. But you wanted a list so I’m giving it to you. Don’t say I never offered you closure.
To start with, I’m terrified that you’ll read my blog … again. I haven’t written in it properly for months, and I think it’s because I’m worried that I’ll say too much, you’ll read it, and then we’ll fight because you’re upset. It feels like I’m holding back when I write in it, especially about you, and that’s not fair. In fact, that’s the one thing we agreed we wouldn’t let happen when I first told you about it.
I know you said that you wouldn’t read it again, but you already did break that promise. You acted so sorry and gutted when you admitted to me that you’d found it and read it, but if you were so sorry and gutted, you wouldn’t have done it in the first place. You would’ve stopped before you got to that point.
Moving on from that, time is a very big issue in our relationship — and I don’t see it changing at any point soon. I know I’m trying to juggle too many things at once, but that’s the way my life goes … and it’s almost always like that. Busy. Frantic. Late. Lots of things going on at once. I was starting to fall behind on stuff because we were text-arguing/spending time together/changing plans/whatever. That’s not to say I didn’t want to spend time with you because I did. But I was struggling.
I know that work is going to be busy from all angles over the summer, and if we’re failing now – when it’s not running at full steam – we’re definitely going to fail later on when the big push hits. I love my job. All of it. The day stuff, the night stuff, and even the stuff I fit in, in the cracks. I don’t want to give it up. Maybe I will have to give something up at some point to accommodate a partner, but I do feel like now is the right time for me to do that.
You asked for honesty so, I’m sorry, I’m going to give it to you. All of it. Even if it is brutal.
I said the money thing wouldn’t be an issue for us, but it is. I don’t want it to be. I want to forget all about it and let life carry on as normal, but that’s not possible. I seem to have plenty of money when you have nothing, or you get paid around the time my funds are running out … it’s not a good enough reason alone to break us up, but along with all of the other things I’m telling you about, it was just one more thing that proved to me that we weren’t meant to be.
I don’t even know if I’m ready to embark on a big relationship with someone — and that’s what we’ll evolve into if we keep going the way we’re going. I don’t want to get my heart broken because I don’t think it’s fully recovered from the last time it was smashed into pieces, and it’s probably sensible of me to heal myself before I try to grow with someone new. I hope that makes sense. It probably doesn’t.
You have so many good qualities. Too many to list. But still, I’m always feeling like things just aren’t quite right. Like we’re not on the same page at the same time. I’m still paranoid and clingy from my last rollercoaster relationship, and those aren’t things that I want to take into a new one. You’re awesome. Definitely one of the loveliest men I’ve ever met, and absolutely an amazing boyfriend. There’s been something missing for me, though. I don’t know how to explain it.
I know you think that Bestie has a big part to play in this but he really doesn’t. It seems like you think we spend all of our time together, which is true in one sense because we live together. But in many other senses, I don’t spend all of my time with him. I don’t “make time for him” as you said; it’s just spare time we have in between doing other things. I hate that you keep bringing him up like he’s this massive problem. He’s not. Not for me, and I don’t really understand why he’s such a big problem for you. You only ever say it’s because I “make time for him”, but that reason doesn’t make sense to me. I blow him out and change plans twice as much as I’ve ever done with you.
I wish you could see things from my point of view but I’ll totally understand if you don’t. You shouldn’t blame yourself. This has been my fault for a long time. I’ve known that things weren’t clicking together properly; that something wasn’t fitting right somewhere. I kept falling for you, bit by bit, thinking that all of that stuff would go away. But it didn’t. And then I got scared.
I hope one day we can be really good friends. I want you in my life, but not in a boyfriend capacity, so, for now, I need you to give me some space. I’m trying to do this the right way: to be honest and open and tell you everything without holding back, but I’m aware that some of the things I’m saying are going to hurt you. I hated seeing how upset you were with me today. It broke my heart. Thinking about it – and your face – still breaks my heart. I want to give you a hug and a kiss and tell you that everything will be okay, but that’s not fair, is it? Not when I’m feeling the way I do.
Please don’t hate me.