My life seems to be full of ultimatums right now. Ultimatums and uncertainty. I hate it.
The Dom and I were fighting. If The Director is in my life, The Dom won’t be. He also seems to think I won’t be able to have a relationship with someone who DOESN’T know and read the blog. Of course he would say that… wouldn’t he? And what does that even mean? It really struck a chord with me and it sent my head into overdrive. And now I can’t stop thinking about it.
He said I needed to grow up. I’d been bitching about all these men and the shit they’d done to make me unhappy but I was acting just as badly. I’m playing games, juggling men, blaming other people when I should be blaming myself. The things he said to me, they really hurt. They cut deep. Over the last three or four days I’ve learned a lot about myself, none of which I like at all.
I tried to be honest with him, brutally so, but every time I tried to get a sentence out, he had a thousand and one sentences to say back and in the end, I just got mad. He seemed so focused on whether or not I was going to see The Director, not caring much about the stuff I was trying to say about our ‘relationship’, continually calling him an asshole, coming back with a smartass comment with every message I sent. I was trying to tell him that actually, I was mad at him too. He had pursued me knowing very well I was already dating someone, backing me into a corner with web tips and tricks I didn’t know about. As much as he helped me with stuff, I had been backed into a corner. I had no choice but to trust him. He already knew who I was. I didn’t go out looking for this bullshit. He came looking for me. I was trying to take my damn time, making sure things were going at a pace I was happy with but no, that wasn’t good enough for him. It was never fast enough.
I told him repeatedly that he needed to stop, that it was getting too much. Intrigued by the D/s stuff, intrigued by him, he pushed and pushed and pushed until I didn’t have much of a choice. I wanted him in my life of course, I just didn’t know in what capacity. As much as I didn’t want to ‘string him along’ if that’s what I did, he kept pushing me much faster than I wanted to go and in the end, I think that’s what fucked it up. Our first meeting wasn’t an unsuccessful one but I don’t think it was entirely successful either. Not in the sense we both anticipated it to be. He’s always one step ahead of me and I’m always wondering what’s coming next. The games we played, I enjoyed them but I don’t know if I’m cut out for all that. When I’m pushed, I pull back. That kinda destroys a D/s relationship right away.
I’ve written so many blog posts but I can’t post them. I’ve stopped posting them. I can’t post them, especially The Director-related ones, because even though The Dom has unfollowed me everywhere, I know he’ll come back and take a sneaky peek from time to time. It feels like my blog is broken, like it’s no longer my personal little space where no one really knows me. I can’t say all the things I really want to say because I know I’ll need to answer a thousand and one questions about it afterwards. He’s clouding up my space, MY space. It’s mine. If I wanted people to know who I was, I wouldn’t have been anonymous. He’s broken my blog. I kept telling him it was a bad idea, that us getting closer was a bad idea. And it has been just that. That ‘IRL’ thing wasn’t something I’d prepared for. It wasn’t something I wanted. And now I’ve crossed the line.
And maybe he has a point? Maybe I can’t have a blog and a boyfriend? Sometimes I find myself doing things while thinking, “Oh well, it’ll make a good story if nothing else…”. But I seem to have a really hard time with men coming into MY life mostly because it’s scattered with bits of paper with one-liners like “Must remember to blog about The Dom” written on them. I’m forever leaving around stuff I shouldn’t leave lying around. I never sign out. I never need to worry about it. I trust Bestie with my life and I don’t invite anyone else around.
The Director never came to mine. Neither did Someone New. I hated it when Jock came here too. Every time he was around I felt on edge. I get really antsy when someone else has my phone in their hand. My laptop too, evident from the way I freaked out when The Director touched it the other night. I’m a really private person. I don’t really have anything to hide but that’s just me, I like to keep my personal stuff just that – personal. Except my sex life apparently…
Maybe I can’t do it? Maybe I need to sacrifice something? The past few days I’ve been writing and not posting, just saving the documents somewhere hidden in the depths of my laptop. And it’s fine. I’m not freaking out about it. I’m still writing it down, getting it out. Maybe I don’t need to share it all? I’m sick of having failed relationship after failed relationship and if nothing else, it’s become very clear I’m all about the sabotaging these days. I SABOTAGED what I had with The Director by having phone sex with a man from the internet as well as a thousand other ways. The Dom was right about that too, I need to stop juggling men.
I want my happy ever after. I’m sick of dating. I’m dating for the sake of dating and as The Dom kindly pointed out, I should stop that too. I told him weeks ago that I wanted to live my life without restrictions for a change. I wanted to make decisions and not have anyone to answer to. I wanted to get drunk and not give a shit. I wanted to be free, single, dye my hair, change my style, get a new tattoo, piercing, man, whatever the fuck I liked. I didn’t want to answer to anyone. I wanted to rebel for a while, perhaps against myself but who fucking cares? That’s what I wanted. He said he understood but he didn’t. Instead, I found myself answering to him every time. Every blog post resulted in question after question. Every thought I wanted to forget, he urged me to dissect. I can’t handle that kind of relationship game-playing. Sometimes you just gotta put thoughts in that little locked black brain-box so you never think about them again. Not everything in life needs to be over-analyzed.
And on that note, I think I need a break. I need a break from trying to work out everything in my head. I need a break from answering questions and making bad decisions and being judged. I need to work out what I want, what I’m doing, who I should have in my life or not. I don’t know what that means, or what to do with my blog but I’ve decided not to worry about it for just now. I’ll take a hiatus or whatever it’s called. I’ll figure it out in a few days, weeks, months or whatever.
Because if it comes down to the ultimatum – my blog or love, I’ll choose love. I’m so sick of being lonely.