Project: Love Thyself

Well, hello peeps. I guess I’m back. I knew I’d be back. I love my blog. I’m not ready to let it go yet. I just need to start using it better. If it’s meant to be teaching me lessons, why aren’t I learning them?

So… Let’s update. I left things on a cliffhanger I guess. I was kinda torn between The Dom and The Director.

I took a huge step back from The Dom because as much as I adore the guy and I want him in my life, I don’t think the relationship we would have had would have been healthy… Or good for me. I want him in my life as a friend. I don’t really know what to do about the D/s stuff, whether we should carry on with that or not, so I’ve left that well alone for a while too. I just need to figure out what I want right now.

I told The Director how I felt. I asked him if he wanted to go for dinner with me because on reflection, there were a lot of things I wished I could have done differently and would like the opportunity to do just that. He said he’d “think about it”, all the while being permanently online on POF, still swallowing up all the business help I could give him. He was seeing if something better come along before he decided on me. After a week and a half of waiting like a total cunt, I realised what game he was playing. I also realised I didn’t want to play it anymore. I told him that I was pissed off he was stringing me along and he needed to make a decision.

He still “wasn’t sure” either way but my business help was invaluable and he’d even pay me for it. I lost my shit. He still didn’t say no. He still didn’t say yes. I left him where he belonged, back in 2015.

He keeps asking me to meet up, coffees, drinks, whatever. It’s all business-related. There’s nothing personal there. I was a fool to think he was right for me. Everyone was right. I can see that now though. I might have made myself look like a twat but at least I learned the lesson. He’s not right for me. I don’t even like the guy most of the time. I was still helping him with his business stuff but honestly… I don’t want to. Petty probably but fuck him. I don’t want to therefore I’m not going to. I’m kinda just trying to avoid him really. Every time I tell him I don’t want to do it anymore he says all this nice shit to me and makes me forget what I’m talking about. Well, no more. Na uh. Nope. I’m bored of his project now. I’m bored of him. I woulda been real good to him and he woulda got great benefits from dating me but now he won’t. I don’t care what his decision is or was, I’ve made mine. He keeps messaging, I just keep ignoring. Eventually he’ll get the idea. Or I’ll just block him. Whatever comes first.

Someone New also popped back into my life and we ended up chatting more and more. Before I knew it, I was letting loose all my emotions from when he spent the evening with the home-wrecking whore. Apparently all those Facebook posts were for my benefit. She was doing it to piss me off, to get a reaction out of me. Well, she got one. He asked her to leave halfway through the evening because he realised what she was doing. Too late buddy. You shouldn’t have put yourself in that position in the first place.

We’re planning on meeting up for coffee on the 14th and at first I figured it wasn’t a good idea. Now I think it is. The reason I think that is because I spent the last few hours reading back over the Someone New chapter in my life. He wasn’t right for me. He wasn’t a bad guy but he just wasn’t the right guy for me. He had too many women in his life and he has no idea how to really treat a girlfriend. He’s totally inappropriate and although he’s a great guy, an amazing lover and one of the most genius and kind-hearted people I’ve ever met, he’s just not the right guy for me. My aim on the 14th is to meet him, have coffee with him, and tell him I just can’t go back there again. He hurt my heart doing what he did. I don’t want to go through that again and more than that, he had his chance and he blew it. Just like I blew it with The Director… Or not. Maybe he was just a douschebag. But exes ARE exes for a reason. It will NEVER work. Rarely anyway. It’s definitely not going to work in this case. I know that now.

2016 is going to be a great year for me because I’m going to make it a great year. I’m going to stop wasting my time on fucking assholes and douschebags that simply aren’t worth it. I’m taking my own fucking advice, just like I shoulda done in the first place! But then again, everything happens for a reason. 2015 taught me some valuable lessons.

2016 is going to be the year I fall in love, but not with someone else… with me.

I’m going to work hard. I’ve deleted my POF profile. What’s the point? I’m not going to find love on there. I’m just going to find more Jock’s, more Directors, more Someone New’s. I don’t want those guys. I want a good guy. A good guy who’ll pull my hair and slap my ass. That’s what I want. I’m sick of drama and playing games. I want refreshingly simple, something that means something, no bullshit.

I’m not going to find a good guy if I’m not a good girl. I need to fall in love with myself a bit first before I expect someone else to fall in love with me. I’m going to work on me – sorting out my health which is already much better, sorting out my finances, finding somewhere better to live, earning more money, building my name, doing my thing. More than that, cutting old ties. Getting rid of all those fucktard ex-boyfriends who keep popping up and fucking my life up.

So yeah, here’s to 2016. The year of Project: Love Thyself.

And that concludes page one.