I’ve watched Love Actually twice this week. I’d never seen it before, and it’s ended up becoming one of those movies I instantly fall in love with. And as I watching it, I realised a few things.
So, in the spirit of Christmas, I’m telling the truth.
Let’s start with The Dom.
Well, we met for the first time. I kept meaning to write about it but honestly, I just couldn’t seem to find the words. I kept starting posts and not being able to finish them, or just getting a few lines in before giving up and admitting defeat. I don’t know what to say. I still don’t know what to say. I don’t know what role this man has in my life. I can’t figure it out.
I don’t think it has the potential to turn into a real relationship. I don’t know if this is a man I could see myself being with, which instantly says, to me, that he’s not right – it’s not right. Us. I thought perhaps I had friend-zoned him but I’m not sure it’s that; there’s too much sexual tension between us for it to be purely a platonic thing. Our face-to-face meet wasn’t really a sexual one either, though. It was beautiful, don’t get me wrong; I had the best time. But every time he moved towards me, I pulled away. Every time I found myself getting comfortable with this man I remembered that, at any point, he could go back and read everything I’d ever written on the blog. He knew all about the blog. He knew everything. More than he ever realised he could know.
I really don’t think the fact he’s a blog reader is ever going to go away. He says it will, with time and patience, but I’m not exactly the most patient person — and I think it’s a line I can’t cross. A hard limit. I don’t know what it is, but I do know that, even now, months and months later, it’s still a very big issue for me. I definitely don’t write in my blog as much as I want to now, and half the time it’s because I’ll need to deal with a hundred and one questions from him once I’ve hit the publish button.
All that aside, he turns me on immensely, and he’s new and very exciting. He’s thrilling. He thrills me. When he goes into dominant mode and tells me what to do, I can’t control myself. He could ask me to do anything and with enough gentle persuasion, I’d probably do it. I sense myself getting closer to him after every ‘session’, and I yearn for his touch. It’s like all of a sudden, just talking to him on the phone isn’t enough, and I want him right there, in my bed, to cuddle my stresses and strains away … and play my body in all the ways I imagine he will. But every time we get close to that, I remember that he can read EVERYTHING, and I freak out. Sometimes the yes-no cycle takes longer than others, but it always repeats itself. I’m starting to accept this is a line I just can’t cross — one boundary too far.
I know I hurt him when I slept with The Director. Or “The Bellend”, as he likes to call him. I never wanted to hurt him, though. That wasn’t my intention, and it actually really stung when he told me he wasn’t sure he could have any kind of relationship with me after I’d done that. He wouldn’t be able to trust me. That’s not the kind of person I am. That’s not the kind of thing I do, or who I want to be. I do stuff for charity and I’d give anyone my last penny. I charity-worked for Christmas Day. I’m a good person. I don’t do shitty things to people but recently, that’s all I’ve been doing. People are playing with my emotions and in turn, I’m playing with someone else’s. His.
It feels like there are so many men vying for my attention right now.
It’s The Dom one minute. The next, it’s The Director. Or The Lapdog texting me in the middle of the night. Or Someone New and the three-day conversation we seem to have found ourselves in. Our chatting is getting more frequent. I didn’t see it happening until today and now I have, I’m nervous about it. I used to love this kind of flirty banter, thrive on it. But now it’s feeling a bit … something. A lot of things.
I don’t know what I’m doing with Someone New, but I know he’ll get hurt if this carries on much longer. He wants us to meet up in the New Year so we can talk over the things that happened because he knows he fucked up and he wants to put things right. I’ve already blown him out, and then he blew me out, so I doubt the meeting is likely.
Honestly, though, what am I playing at?
Why am I behaving like this?
I need to start getting myself out of the hole I’ve found myself in. I ignored The Lapdog in the end, that was a good start. I guess I’ve done the thing I needed to do with The Dom — honesty thing. He’s mad at me right now, but maybe we can put things right? Maybe he’s right and all it takes is some time and patience?
That just leaves Someone New and The Director to sort out. I could probably just be honest with Someone New, too. He respects my honesty, he always has. He knows I’m straight-talking … most of the time.
And that just leaves The Director. It’s a touchy subject right now, maybe I’ll figure that plan out later.