I really can’t make my mind up about Jock. One day, I think I’m completely and utterly, head-over-heels in love with him. The next, I keep seeing all these things about him that already piss me off, or will likely piss me off in the future.
We’ve stopped counting dates. It seems strange to keep doing it now that we’ve committed to each other, the boyfriend-and-girlfriend label well and truly in place. And speaking of dates, our last one was amazing. We didn’t do anything big or grand; we just watched DVDs together all day, eating KFC in our pants, getting fully naked and having lots and lots of sex. Lots of sex. Hot and passionate and fast and frenzied one time; then slow, lazy, sweaty, and heatwave-fatigued the next.
It’s after perfect dates like that – almost real relationship stuff – that makes me think we could be perfect for each other. In some ways, he’s absolutely everything I could want in a man. He keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh until I genuinely think I might pee a little bit, and he’s honest and friendly and generous and so many other good words. But then there are brief moments where things change. The wind shifts direction a little. His bright light slips for a moment and I see a flash of something that makes me feel … icky.
So I think it might be time for the pros and cons list, people.
JOCK – THE PROS
I think it’s always good to get things going with the good-shit list, don’t you agree? Let’s get started.
The sex is actually incredible.
I mean, yeah, we have our issues in that department, but he makes me come so hard, so quickly, and so expertly … I don’t really want to give that up. He’s playful in a way that makes me think we have lots of things to explore yet — and I can’t wait to experiment and play and get all kinds of kinky with him. He makes up for the ‘disappointments’ (I use the term loosely) in other ways, like being a master with his tongue and fingers. I’m never short of foreplay. Sometimes, the foreplay is the main attraction — and I’m completely okay with that.
He makes me feel a million bucks.
He pays me compliments all the time, looks at me like he’s actually HUNGRY for me, and treats me like I’m the best thing he’s ever had in his hands. And he means it when he kisses me. Have you ever have a man who kisses you like that? As though you can feel his obsession for you in the way his lips hungrily devour yours?
The way he makes me feel is powerful stuff; like a drug so potent you’re never going to be able to give it up. I’d miss having that — the confidence boost – in my life now. I think he’s made a real positive impact on my self-esteem and confidence in such a short space of time … I don’t want to give that up. I also think I’d find it really tough to give up.
He’s an ex-chef.
The man can cook, kids. He can cook so good my mouth actually waters at the prospect of his invitation to dinner. And, more importantly than that, he loves cooking for ME. I didn’t realise how much I wanted a man that could cook until I got myself a man that could cook.
He’s so young at heart.
I know this probably belongs in the cons list a little bit, but there’s something infectious and happy and chipper about him. It makes me feel young, too. It’ll probably make me feel exhausted after a few years (or months), but for now, it’s the same kind of young-at-heart excitement you feel when you get a new puppy … before it starts chewing on everything and peeing all around the house.
And people, I mean he’s really hot. Not conventionally hot. He’s definitely not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, but he sure as fuck is mine. He’s got this hot, greying, stocky, older-man thing going for him, but I don’t actually think he knows about it. Right now, he’s the hottest man in the world to me. No one else even comes close.
He’s spontaneous and unpredictable.
I reckon this will probably be as cute as the young-at-heart thing in a few months’ time, but his unpredictable ways and spontaneous nature are really doing it for me right now. He actually keeps me on my toes. I hope he stays that way forever. (I’m probably going to regret saying that, aren’t I?)
He’s super generous and friendly and lovely.
Again, this one is probably going to be another con further down the line, but right now, how generous he is just melts my heart. He’s very old-fashioned and gentlemanly, which is old-school, I know, but I like it. He insists on paying for me when we go out and do datey things. At the same time, though, he’ll let me pay if I insist right back. It’s like the perfect mix of what I’m looking for: an old-fashioned gentleman who treats me like an EQUAL. Out of the bedroom, at least.
He’s alternative / we look alternatively cute together.
I know it’s a stupid thing to make the list, but still, it’s making the list. He’s alternative and eye-catching and quirky, and so am I. Together, we make a cute, eye-catching, quirky couple — and I fucking love that! Is it so wrong to love how we look together?
I love his accent.
Like, I really, really, really love his accent. His accent could talk me into bed all by itself. I’m basically drooling by the time we finish a conversation.
He’s got a nice car and a nice motorbike.
The bike isn’t on the road right now, but it’s still pretty and Jock still looks great in leathers. Plus, me and the car have history already … [this NSFW post: Will You Be My Girlfriend?].
He’s all rugged and manly.
And honestly, I just love that about him. I need a man who’s rugged and manly and ready to save me in a big zombie apocalypse. If he can’t do that, I have no use for him. I think that’s one of the reasons I keep Bestie around: he’s big and strong and manly too. (That’s not the only reason I keep him around, obviously: he’s my best friend.)
JOCK – THE CONS
I’m going to kick things off with one thing that has been an up/down con for me:
The dick thing.
And I’m going to say it in a way that is a blunt, probably a bit offensive, and not very considerate to his feelings at all: his dick is smaller than I’m accustomed to, it sometimes doesn’t get hard on demand, and certain positions are … tricky for us.
Further reading: WELL THAT’S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE: DATE 7
Sex in the spooning position at 4 am, for example, is tricky for us. Between my butt, his rounded tummy, his dick, and my frustration, it was a disaster. Things weren’t going in the right places at the right time and we couldn’t get things to reach where they needed to, eventually managed to get him to finish but I was left sorely unsatisfied. And to make things even worse, I faked my orgasm. I was NEVER going to come after all of that.
I stormed downstairs to have a drink and a cigarette … because that’s another con of Jock: he’s a smoker and I’m back to part-timing smoking. For fuck’s sake.
He can’t ever be serious. Ever.
It drives me fucking insane. We’ll have these super-cute, half-serious chats that seem as though they’re heading towards a genuine, grownup, adult conversation … and then he fucks it up by throwing some dumb little joke in. It’s like he can’t handle anything adulty without turning it into something immature and jokey. Sometimes, just sometimes, this gal wants to have serious chats about serious things, ya know? He’s like a 30-something man child, and that’s big enough – for me – to have serious doubts about us going forward. Can I really be with someone who wants life to be fun all the time? Life isn’t fun all the time, far from it. How’s he going to handle the big, adulty, scary stuff?
He’s … quite short.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not size-ist or anything like that, but his height hasn’t gone unnoticed, you know? I actually think he might have lied on his dating profile, but I’m guessing quite a few people do that.
He likes it when a woman towers over him in heels (like the ex). I like a man to be bigger than me (the save-me thing) generally. We may have a problem here.
Is that it? 3 cons and all of those pros? I guess I’ve pretty much answered my own question here, haven’t I? Maybe my mind is already made up and I do love him. We sure have chemistry, but is that enough? Maybe I need to be less guarded with my heart and my feelings? Let him in a little bit more and stop playing it so cool? Because I really have been playing it cool … maybe much cooler than I have done with other men. It seems that treating them mean and keeping them keep really is a thing. (Except I’m not mean, just cool, ya know?)
I do know this much: I’m not saying the L-word first.
I’m still in lust; I don’t trust that my L-word feelings are totally genuine yet.