Jock and I have had a grand total of four sleepovers. For two of them, I was on my period and we didn’t get to fuck. We played around and did lots of other playful stuff, but not full PIV [penis-in-vagina] sex. On the other two occasions, we did fuck. And during those two times, I noticed something: he doesn’t always spring up on-demand … if you get my drift.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not something that’s caused us problems up until this point, but I have noticed it, you know? There was one point during our first night (in the tent) that he went a little limp, but I just put it down to nerves and the fact that we were drinking and in a tent. I was nervous too.
But then date number seven happened – the second time we fully fucked – and I noticed it again. It seemed to take a while to get him going right at the start, despite the rest of his body being more than enthusiastic, and there was a point during a position switch, in the middle of sex, that he went limp again and needed a few moments. They’re not major scenarios and I’m not running for the hills or anything (quite the opposite, still), but I am thinking about it. It’s in my head. I’m already dealing with a penis size that is slightly smaller than what I’m used to (sorry, but it’s the truth), and now I might have some sort of erectile dysfunction situation to throw into the mix … like, okay, give me a minute, I need to think and breathe and figure this out.
I don’t like it when he goes soft on me. It’s not a problem I’ve really dealt with before, with the exception of coked-up nights (a consequence of the drug), so I’m trying to play it cool and be a good girlfriend about it, but I don’t really know what to do with the situation when it happens. I try not to focus on it. Pretend it’s not happening. Do something else … kissing, touching, laughing, eating, drinking, smoking, whatever. On the outside, I’m cool and a cucumber, but on the inside … well, my ego has been dented. I want him to be ravenous for me, not just slightly peckish, you get me?
I’m a bit worried about this. My self-esteem doesn’t take knocks very well, and although I know this isn’t exactly a knock, it still is one. I feel good about myself right now. I’ve started wearing shirts that flash a hint of cleavage out in public rather than constantly dressing in baggy, cover-up clothes. I like the way my body is starting to look in clothes that reveal a little more than I’m used to, and I want to work on improving my self-esteem and confidence, not sending it in another downward spiral for yet another man.
Is that selfish, though? This guy is a fabulous lover. FABULOUS. I can’t get enough of him going down on me, and he manages to find my clit with absolutely no help whatsoever. Even better than that: he knows what to do with it when he finds it. I adore the way he touches me; how he kisses me, nibbles me, scratches me, strokes me. He touches me in all of the ways I wish someone would touch me. He’s respectful and erotic, passionate and loving, rough and tumble. He’s all of the things. He’s just occasionally soft when he does those things.
And more than that: it’s not just sex with this guy. I don’t think it ever actually has been. It’s always been sex-plus-something except I’m not really sure what the plus-something is. It’s definitely there though, keeping me coming back and thirsting for more. I don’t want to give it up; give him up.
Maybe I’ll see where things go as far as me, Jock, and his limp dick are concerned. He makes me come hard, over and over again, and his kisses have the power to make me go weak at the knees … what’s a little erectile dysfunction?