How’s That For Closure?

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Dear Jock,

I found out you were engaged last night. My friend signed in to her hubby’s Facebook and stalked you. I don’t know why she did that or why she told me but I really wish she hadn’t. I have cried for twelve hours straight. I had plans today and I had to cancel them because my eyes were so puffy, I couldn’t even see. I’m having a hard time seeing the keys as I type these words but I’ve gotta get them out of me because they’re tearing me apart.

I looked. My friend told me her name and I looked. I saw the profile picture of the two of you together and the pain that ripped through me was like unlike anything else I’ve ever felt. I couldn’t look at the picture. That second-long glimpse is now burned into my head. And my heart.

I blocked you both immediately. In seconds. I had to for my own sanity. I wanted closure and now I’ve got it. Brutally, honestly, everything you couldn’t be for me.

I wonder why you sent me that message back in April and I kick myself for not responding. At the time I felt so brave, so bold, ignoring it, re-reading it over and over again, wondering what you wanted, what you had to say. I wish I’d responded. I will now always wonder what if. What if? What if? What would have happened? Did I blow it? Will I always regret ignoring you that day? I couldn’t respond. You’d hurt my heart too much. You didn’t even know it. You don’t know the effect you had on me or the lasting impression you left. You don’t know any of that.

If you were messaging me in April, you can’t have been with her then so that means you’ve been together for what? A little under ten months perhaps? And you’ve put a rock on her finger already? We were together for a year and a half, almost two years and I never got that privilege. That’s all I ever wanted from you – the happy ever after. I worked so hard to try and make life better for you. How comes she gets to reap all the benefits? How comes she gets to enjoy the fruits of my labour? The job I think you got – the job I helped you get. The job I fucking applied for on your behalf…

I kick myself for doing all the things I did for you because it’s very evident now I was never that big of a picture in your life. You were my everything. You were my fairytale come true. You were everything I ever wanted and although things went really wrong, you really were everything to me. My whole world. I loved you unconditionally, with everything I had.

She even looks like me. We have the same friends. Are you kidding me? You look so happy together. That breaks my heart too. I’ve been so sad since you left. I’m still so sad. You left a massive hole and I can’t find anything or anyone to fill it.

But now it’s definitely time to let go. I cannot watch you marry this girl. I definitely, one hundred percent cannot watch her have the baby I always wanted with you. You have tormented me for years and you have zero clue about it. And you never will. I’m going to bury my obsession with you along with my memories. Somewhere deep and dark, somewhere I never have to explore again. Today, 14th January 2016, I am purging my life of everything that reminds me of you. Everything. I can’t bear looking at any memory of you.

I hope I never hear of you ever again. I hope I never see you ever again. I hope there is no reminder that you ever existed in my life. I need to hate you with every ounce of my soul because if I don’t, I’ll love you. And that’s even more crippling.

I hope she makes you happier than I ever could. In fact, I couldn’t care less. I don’t ever want to hear about it.

How’s that for closure?

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