Jock My Dating Life 

Can You Keep It Down, Please?

2-minute read

Jock and I got into trouble with his roommates for having noisy sex the other day, so that was super fun.

To be fair, we didn’t exactly get into trouble, but his [female] roommate did pull him to one side after waiting for me to leave the room, to ask him if there was a chance we could keep it down a bit when we started shagging later. That left him with the hilarious task of trying to convey the message to me — and he thought it was proper hilarious, too. I was mortified. He was laughing his ass off. Maybe that was his way of covering up just how mortified he was … but I doubt it. Eye roll.

“Was it the bed squeaking? Or … me?” I asked him.

“I don’t know. I didn’t ask!” he replied.

He’s so flipping useless. How are we meant to “keep it down a bit” when we don’t actually know which ‘bit’ is making all of the noise? Is it me and my moaning? Is it Jock and his groaning? Is it the bed creaking and squeaking beneath us? I mean, there are a lot of variables here, you know? I can be a bit of a moaner, but I was doing my best to keep my mouth shut … and/or stuffed into a pillow. That’s what I thought, anyway. For all I know, they heard us roaring with laugher during our usually hilarious post-coital chit chat.

I need to know what’s making the noise so I can effectively stop it. I need more information.

“The walls are proper thin there, anyway,” he carried on. “They could probably hear us blinking.”

Okay, well, I didn’t know about the thin walls before you just told me, but maybe that’s something you should’ve brought up BEFORE we started happily banging away, no?

How am I meant to enjoy sex with this man when there’s a chance that his housemates can hear us? And how exactly am I meant to resolve the problem if I don’t know what the problem actually is? I’m so annoyed right now. If she’d have pulled me to one side for a chat, I’d have asked what it was. Subtly tried to get the specifics out of her. Was it the headboard? Moans and groans? Squeaky-squeaky?

Why didn’t he do that? I guess the conversation was probably awkward enough as it was, but that’s honestly not the point. Now I don’t think I want to have sex in his house at all, or when his housemates are home, at least.

For fuck’s sake. I live with family so it’s not like we can have sex with abandon at my crib, either.

What’s a gal gotta do to get laid in peace around here?

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