I Heard It Through The Grapevine

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11/10/2015: Operation Blog Catch-Up

I’d heard through the grapevine that Big Love’s current girlfriend was pregnant but it would appear he’s deleted his Facebook page again so I assumed it was a rumour. I also assumed that he was back on one of his drug-binges again because that’s normally what it means when he goes into social lockdown. I had a stalk of her page in the middle of the night. You know because that’s what I do when I can’t sleep and no one else is awake. She changed her profile picture. Side-on profile.

Yep, she’s definitely pregnant. 

It was like a kick to my uterus. There he is having his second child and there I am with my zero children. She looked beautiful too which made things even worse. Clearly pregnancy agrees with her. I wouldn’t know. I made the choice not to have kids early on and be a slut instead and now I’m paying for that with the HPV disease I went and got infected with and the subsequent precancerous cells on my cervix.

He’s procreating like it’s going out of fashion and I’m a whore who might not even get to have kids at all.

Why does everyone else keep getting the happy ever after I want? Why is everyone else having babies, getting married and putting up these beautiful Instagram photos of family Sundays with the dog, their best friends, their new husbands or fiances and that ever-growing bump? If one more person announces their pregnancy on my Facebook news feed I will delete my account.

OK, so I probably won’t because that seems a tad extreme but honestly, all this shit is starting to affect me now. Where’s my happy ending? What’s everyone else doing differently? Where am I going wrong? 

At times like these I go back and rethink the things I’ve done in my life. Or to be more precise, the relationship and love decisions I have made. I have the new guy of course – The Director and his hot-headed ways, but I can’t help but think how differently life would have gone if me and some of those past men had never broken up. Like when I was talking to The Fireman a while back and we reminisced about how long we would have been married by now and how many kids we think we might have had.

What if I had stayed with The Hubby? Or Jock? Or Big Love? How differently would life have gone? Where would I be now? So many what-if’s, so little time. A pointless exercise I know but it’s hard not to overthink things when life seems to be spectacularly falling to pieces around you. Men, my work, my friends, my health – it’s all falling apart and I’m having a hard time getting to grips with it all. And then to top it all off, another friend got engaged on Facebook this morning, someone I went to school with. Everyone else seems to have this happy, great, loving, successful life and I’m just bumping from man to man, not really knowing what I’m doing or where I’m going. I can’t help but think I’m fucking this life-thing up a little.

You see that’s what happens when an ex gets married or has a baby – you start to reevaluate all the things you’ve done in your life and all the decisions you’ve made. You start to wonder how life might be different if you had changed just one moment in time. This guy has the beautiful girlfriend, the cute dogs and now the bouncing baby. What do I have? Very little if truth be told. I house-share with three other guys and I’m bouncing month to month, pay check to pay check. He screwed me over didn’t he? He left me with no money, having to move back to the other side of the world and start all over again for what felt like the hundredth time! How is Karma working her magic here? How is it fair that he screwed me over and now he’s getting the life he’s always wanted? On the outside at least, that’s what it seems.

I really do wish them both the world of happiness. I just hope he sticks around long enough to see this kid, his second kid, grow up. Let’s hope he doesn’t play the absent father role a second time around. Because we all know how much that fucks you up – I’m testament to that. But seriously though, I do wish him the best.

I just wish someone would wish me theirs so I could finally settle down like everyone else. 

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