It’s been a really good day for me. Well, up until a point, anyway. I left the house today (woohoo!), my insides behaved themselves, my love life is still going swimmingly, I did some shopping, had a lot of fun, and then I learned about a massive sale I’d made and the commission I’d get from it. It was the biggest commission I’d made in a single sale, so I hit the roof with glee.
As happy as I was, it felt as though there was something missing. Like my celebrations were missing something … or someone. I really wanted to tell someone about my new windfall, someone who would have been really proud of me. But I can’t do that anymore and it makes me really sad. You know who I’m talking about, right? *whispers* Jock.
It started last night when his song came on the radio. You know the one: “All of Me” by John Legend. For a second, I could feel the tears starting to fill my eyes and it made me want to slap myself. But then I realised something: it’s totally okay to miss him from time to time. That’s normal, right? He was a dick and the breakup was probably for the best, but it’s still okay to feel sad and as though something is missing from my life. He was once such a big part of my life and although he may not have loved me, or maybe he did, I definitely did love him. That’s not something that’s just going to go away overnight.
I wiped away the few tears that escaped down my cheeks, turned over the station, and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought about was him, again, because he was the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep. For once, when I grabbed my phone and saw the regular morning message from Someone New, it didn’t put a smile on my face; it made me wish for morning messages from Jock.
How horrible is that? Gosh, I’m an awful person. Right there in front of me, doing everything that I’d kinda wished Jock would have done, worshipping the ground I walk on is my brand new, shiny, exciting Someone New … and all I can do is think about the prick that broke my heart? Whhhhhyyyy? I feel so guilty. I kinda wanted to tell Someone New about my thoughts but that’s absolutely not fair. That’s not something he really needs to know, right? Or does he? We have been so brutally honest about everything else?
Speaking of him (which I really should), we’ve been speaking non-stop, as usual. Last night he even asked me if he was allowed to call me his girlfriend. I thought it was kinda cute, to be honest, but he is a 30-something-year-old guy … some might see it as a little vomit-inducing. (Including me, depending on the day.) I responded by telling him I’d probably say yes if he ever had the balls to ask me to my face.
As soppy as this guy is – and he really, really is – it certainly is refreshing. We’re so different, but there’s no denying the smile he’s bringing to my face, and in my current love-climate, with the devastating breakup from Jock still firmly looming over me, I’ll take whatever laughter and light relief I can get. I’m starting to think he might be a little too … something for me. Conservative, I think. My mild tales are wild stories to him, and his eyes widen when some of my flirty banter gets a little too un-vanilla. He comes from a traditional, old-fashioned family and I’m … well, I’m me. Colourful, packed with attitude, no filter between brain and mouth. They’re going to absolutely hate me, if we ever get that far.
We’re in the process of organising our second date. Bowling, he thinks, or a romantic dinner for two in an intimate French restaurant. This guy is too cheesy for words sometimes, but I kinda like it. I’ve never had a date in a romantic restaurant with candles on the tables before. 28 years old and I’ve never actually had a romantic dinner date. What the fuck? I must have dated some really lame blokes. I’m the kind of girl you take to the zoo, or out for one too many cheeky drinks. I’m not the kind of girl that you take to nice restaurants.
Or am I?
Maybe we should just stick with bowling.
Going back to the elephant that’s always in the room, I think Jock is going to be a lot harder to get over than what I gave him credit for. Fuck him for breaking my heart. It’s making me doubt Someone New a lot. We’re really different people, and there’s a chance we might be looking for really different things. I’m not looking for a conservative, traditional life. I’m looking to make bad decisions with someone and live a fulfilling and exciting life with someone. He says he loves the excitement of me, but is he going to feel the same way when I want to up and leave the country with no notice again? Sometimes, I get the impression I’m just something he’s trying on for size, but then I’m really just doing the same thing right back, so it’s not like I can really complain.
Maybe I should just stop overthinking the lot and put it down to one blah day.
That’s right, maybe it’s just a bad day.
Featured image by imaniclovis on Unsplash.