I am F***ing Fuming.

I’ve not heard from Jock since yesterday morning when he messaged by at ridiculous o’clock in the morning. The last message he got from me was almost exactly 48 hours ago. I know I never messaged him back yesterday morning but why hasn’t he messaged me again?

Referring back to the previous blog post, it would appear that he has decided to go out with his ex-roomies than see me. If he had bothered to message me, he would have known that I was off work sick yesterday because I am, quite literally, exhausted. I go to work, I come home, I write until the early hours of the morning, I struggle to fall asleep, I might get a couple of hours broken napping before my alarm goes off and I have to get up for work again. I can’t remember the last time I slept properly. I can’t remember the last time I had any sort of appetite. There is no mojo going on with me right now. I’m like a freaking robot.

When my alarm went off for work yesterday morning, I had a splitting headache and I physically couldn’t move my body out of bed. I had nothing. No get up and go; nothing. All I wanted him to do was message me so that I could go to his tonight and fall asleep in his arms. I miss his arms.

I didn’t hear from him yesterday. I spent the entire day in bed. I’m so tired all the time yet I can’t turn it all off. I’m having a real hard time right now.

He didn’t message me again yesterday. He didn’t message me this morning. He didn’t message me this afternoon. I’ve not heard from him. Today was my first big shift as the proper “Boss Girl” at work. I was rushed off my feet and couldn’t have messaged him even if I wanted to.

I thought he might give me a shout once I had finished work. I was ready to go home, hop in the shower and beautify myself up for him. He didn’t get in touch. I came home and smoked a spliff and now I’m writing this.

That’s where we’re at.

I am so angry with him right now. He’s never disappointed me before and now he has. He disappointed me because I thought he wanted to see me more than that. He’s going to click his fingers tomorrow, of course, but I’m not going running. Not a chance. He had his chance tonight and he blew it. Now he’s going to need to wait another 8 or 9 days before he can see me. It’s already been 10. I’m so disappointed in him. What’s the point in going to see him tomorrow? He’s going to be so hungover and I’m going to be so angry with him. What’s the point in that?

We only had one chance to see each other this week. He knew that. He knew that I might have to work tomorrow and he’s not even messaged me to find out if I am. It feels like we’re back to playing games. I guess in reality, it doesn’t matter how old you really are; you never really stop playing games.

I don’t really know how to explain how I’m feeling to you guys. You know when you meet someone and you think they are so perfect for you and then all of a sudden, you get that feeling of doom and realisation – they are not quite the perfect person that you thought they were. I think that’s where I’m at right now. I’m starting to find things that I don’t like about him and it’s bugging me.

He was awesome before. Now he’s not. Now he has really pissed me off. The worst of it is neither of us got to explain ourselves very well and I don’t really think he understands what’s going on in the first place. It’s as though sometimes he is so oblivious to everything that’s happening around him and I’m getting sick of having to tell him what the fuck is going on. It’s starting to piss me off.

We don’t really do anything when we are together. We used to go out and have exciting dates and now we barely manage to leave his crib. I don’t mind most of the time but it would be nice if he had a bit more “get up and go” sometimes. I’d like him to be a bit manlier sometimes – it would be nice if he made a decision or two. I just always figured he’d have more fight for me and the second I said about him going without me but we wouldn’t see each other, he was like yeah, sure, fine, no worries. It kinda felt like he had wanted me to say that. I know that’s probably not the truth but you know what I mean. That’s how it came across.

I”m furious that he hasn’t messaged me. I’m the girl. He’s meant to be chasing me, isn’t he? When did THAT part of the relationship die? He farts in front of me now. He had his first open poo the other day too. Usually he “has a shower”, which we’ve both joked means he’s going for a number two. He didn’t even try to hide it. He was going to go for a “shower” and then turned around and told me what he was really do. I’m glad he’s comfortable enough around me now. I’m most definitely not, of course. I’m a girl. No, no; as far as he is concerned I still don’t shit. I’m glad that he feels happy enough around me to tell me such things these days. But does that means he stops chasing me too? The one thing I can’t live without in a relationship is the thrill of the chase. Maybe that’s what he’s doing in reverse? Maybe he’s hoping I’ll chase him? He’ll be waiting a long time. I think he underestimates my stubborn streak. I’m not going to be giving him a shout at any point soon.

I”m starting to feel like the “girlfriend”. It’s starting to feel like I’m no longer the cool, crazy chick he was dating. I’m the girlfriend at home that’s trying to spoil his fun. That’s what it’s starting to feel like for me. It’s not attractive. It doesn’t make me feel attractive. A guy at work flirted with me and I accidentally gave him my number because I’d been working on something with him. He’s aware that I have a boyfriend, and he says he’d like us to be friends. He’s a biker guy but not exactly my type but he’s friendly enough and I’m going to get his sale out of it so whatever. He knows the drill – I’ve made him aware he doesn’t stand a chance. It’s nice to get flirted with every now and again though. I haven’t looked at anyone since I met Jock – he has taken up every ounce of my attention span. It’s starting to dwindle now though. I’m starting to find men attractive again. I had a mini crush on a customer today. He was tall and witty and beautiful and charming. And then I realised his wife was stood right there next to us. It was pretty awkward because I’m pretty sure he flirted with me a little bit right there in front of her. It sure felt like he was anyway. Maybe I was wrong.

I’m hoping this is just a temporary blip and I’ll get my Jock-lust back when I see him again. I haven’t seen him for 10 days. It’s going to be about the same yet before I see him again now. I didn’t sleep with him last time I was there because I was bleeding…. again. (Something that happens far too often these days and I’m starting to get concerned that this with my weight loss might be hand in hand.) I’m an angry, horny little beast. I’m an angry, horny little beast that has lost a lot of weight and is suddenly getting flirted with by men again. I’m an angry, horny little beast that is starting to get a bit of confidence and might just be dipping her toes into the idea of flirting right back…

I think I might be in trouble. Especially as My Mr. Grey has made me aware he is going to be down my way sometime soon…

Shit.