One Ball and I had a conversation that could have gone really badly. I watched 10 Things I Hate About You – which is a BRILLIANT film, by the way – and somehow, we ended up deciding to make a list of the 10 things we hated about each other.
It was a dangerous conversation, to be honest, but honesty is the best policy, right? We promised to laugh it off, not be mean, and to learn and grow together afterwards, but it went just as uncomfortably as you might expect …
10 Things I Hate About You
After spending some time coming up with our lists, he made me go first.
Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound. This is what I said:
1 – Your spelling is atrocious and sometimes I can’t understand what you’re trying to say.
2 – You don’t have Facebook. At times, I quite like this about you. It means that I don’t have a chance to go stalking, and you don’t have a chance to go stalking. There’s nothing there that I wouldn’t want you to see, but embarrassing photos, ex-boyfriend statuses, etc… It feels like a box that I don’t really want to open. But at the same time, I miss sending love hearts and making those cute little gestures that I take the piss out of other people for.
3 – You’re too open about pooing and farting sometimes and I don’t know how to take it. I know we’ve farted in front of each other, but the conversation is a little too easy for my liking. There are some things I don’t need to know this early into a relationship.
4 – Sometimes … your kisses are a bit sloppy. You can tone them down a bit if you like? It’s not a big deal and I definitely don’t hate it, but they can be a bit dribbly sometimes.
5 – You’ve got five kids. Enough said about that subject.
6 – You don’t really care about your appearance sometimes. That feels like a proper judgmental thing for me to say, but we agreed that we’d been properly honest with each other so I am. I know you don’t have the time or money to go out shopping, but it feels like you don’t always make an effort with me.
7 – I can’t make you cum in my mouth and it infuriates me more than I let on.
8 – Our schedules aren’t in sync AT ALL. You get up earlier than I do. You go to bed earlier than I do. I’m definitely not a morning person but you’re all up-and-at-em, often wanting sex. Morning sex is my least favourite sex.
9 – You eat so much food! how are you still so skinny. Firstly, I’m jealous of your metabolism. Secondly, it’s going to cost me a fortune to feed you.
10 – You’re so polite and cautious in bed. I’m not made of glass. Sometimes, I just want to br fucked and thrown around and treated like a rag doll. Don’t mind your manners. Forget about them. Get dominant with me … I like it.
They’re not so bad, right? It took me a while to come up with those things, so it’s not like they fell out of my head as soon as I started the list-making project or anything.
“Well, that’s quite a list,” he said. “I could only come up with five for you, and I tried really, really hard to think of bad stuff.”
Excellent. I’m a cunt. He’s a wonderful man. I should have kept my honesty to my fucking self.
“Shit. Now I wish I hadn’t tried so hard to think of those things! I’m sorry, can I take some of them back?” I pleaded.
“Nope,” he replied, and then he gave me my list. Of 5 things. Because he’s not an asshole and I am.
1 – I smoke.
Can’t really argue with that.
2 – I can’t take a compliment.
Can’t really argue with that either.
3 – I worry about saying and doing certain things in case it freaks him out or worries him.
I don’t even know what he means by this, but I’m hoping we can just scoot past this conversation as quickly as possible so we can both try and forget the fact that I came up with 10 things I hated about him but he could only come up with 5 things he hated about me.
4 – I won’t let him cook in my kitchen.
I didn’t even realise this was a real thing, but okay. I can be a bit obsessive and take-over’y in the kitchen, to be fair.
5 – I start a sentence and then trail off and stop. It’s impossible to have a conversation with me.
Okay, fair play. I’ve always been a bit of a blithering idiot who can’t finish her own sentences. I’ll take that.
But how could he only come up with 5 bad things about me? Or was he just being diplomatic? What’s the point in asking for complete honesty when you end up holding back?
This was a stupid game. A stupid, ridiculous, fucked up game. We shouldn’t have played it. You just know that this is going to come up with every fight we ever have for the rest of our lives … that time I came up with 10 things I hated about him but he could only come up with 5 about me.
There’s only one thing for it: I need to come up with 10 things I love about him to counteract them. And that’s exactly what I did, without any introduction, just random text-blurting them out.
This is what I sent:
1 – I love your cuddly and romantic side even though it pisses me off sometimes. I love that we can fall asleep with your arms wrapped around me and then still wake up in the same position hours later.
2 – You take an active interest in whatever I’m doing and that’s actually really lovely. You share things with me that you think will be helpful, and they actually are – 90% of the time – super helpful.
3 – You listen to me and actually take in what I said – and then you remember it, weeks or months later. I’ve never met a man who remembers stuff about me in quite the way that you do. It’s both lovely and quite creepy at the same time.
4 – The sex. That’s all I need to say … the sex.
5 – You would do anything for me, which is both a good thing and a bad thing, but 99% of the time it’s really lovely.
6 – You make me feel really good about myself. Wait, better than that: you made me feel GREAT about myself. You make me feel sexy and smart and witty.
7 – Although your kids are sometimes a source of awkwardness between us, I absolutely love how much you love them. You’re a great dad. It’s heart-warming.
8 – Equality. You let me pay for my half of stuff without arguing, and although you try to be polite and gentlemanly, you’re not the Alpha Male. You let me have my time to shine.
9 – You’re open to my ideas — cologne, fashion, etc. It’s nice to be with someone who listens and embraces my ideas (even if I am taking over).
10 – You don’t want to change me.
My ten positives cancel out my 10 negatives … right?