Written on Thursday 28th April:
We’re in the car on the way home and his music is playing loudly. Some bassy R&B number, probably Usher or someone else I’d usually have no interest in. The lyrics are bouncing around in my head though, “I’ll fuck you back to sleep girl” and “Just hold on tight to me girl”. The song describes Brown Eyes completely. On a good day, of course. On a bad day there’ll be no holding on tight or fucking, just a cold and lonely night in a super king size bed.
I decided to stay just one more night … again. Why? Because he asked me to. And he can be very persuasive. I think we’ve pretty much established that sex is his greatest weapon. That’s how he gets what he wants. He uses it to get himself out of trouble, to wake me up, to send me to sleep, pre-dinner starters, post-dinner washing up, it doesn’t matter. If that’s his mood, that’s his mood. And before long, it would be my mood too. Whether I wanted to be in the mood or not.
I’m sad when I leave him. I was sad the entire journey home. Despite the fights and that post that seemed to get people talking, I want to be around him. When he drops me home, I miss him. When I get into bed by myself, I miss him. And now I’m listening to the rain hammering down as I sit in the dark by the open window to smoke, missing him like crazy even though he only left me four or five hours ago.
The journey home was long and we were both quiet. It’s been a crazy few days, a whirlwind. A lot of good moments, some bad, a few that got my head spinning more than I like to admit. Staring out the window van, I groaned when we hit a patch of traffic. Thats when I saw him.
I spotted his vehicle first – the recovery truck vehicle. I thought he’d left the company he worked for while we were together. I thought he’d gotten the job I applied for on his behalf, the one he asked for a reference for. I think he did. I stalked him back then and saw he’d started to add new friends – friends that I knew worked for the new company he wanted the job with. Maybe he got the job and then left / got fired? Maybe that’s why he’s back working for the old company? Maybe that’s why he was driving that vehicle today?
As soon as I saw the company name down the side of that vehicle, I stiffened. I almost didn’t want to look and see who was driving in case it was him but what were the chances? As we slowly passed by in the next lane, I bravely peeked. And wished I hadn’t.
It was him. It was. Same grey hair, same chunky little face, same beautiful little Jock. He was looking down at his phone so I don’t think he saw me as we slowly rolled past, and it’s probably for the best. I had zero makeup on and I’m pretty sure I was open-mouthed with shock. I mean seriously, what were the fucking chances?
“You’ve gotta be kidding me!”
I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I couldn’t not react. And I reacted all right, big style. I almost made Brown Eyes jump, I shouted so loud.
“What the fuck? What’s up?”
I couldn’t not tell him now could I? I’d made such an accidental big deal about it, I had to tell him. It’s not like he doesn’t know a little about Jock. He knows he left me when I thought I had cancer, and things were not good when we ended and for a good while after, but that’s it. He knows what he needs to know. Those awkward just-started-dating questions like “Oh, when was your last serious relationship?” Or “Tell me how you broke up with your ex?” Yep, those questions come up. We have no filter with each other. There’s nothing we won’t be brave or dumb enough to ask apparently.
“You know Jock, my ex Jock?”
“Well, we just drove past him. That’s the first time I’ve seen him since we split. I’m sorry I reacted. It was a bit of a shock. I’m cool now.”
I wasn’t but I couldn’t admit that to him. I wanted to cry. I wanted to wail, sob and scream tears for the man I’ve not cried for in a long time.
“Oh. Don’t you go falling in love with him again. I got you now!”
He tried to make a joke but it fell flat. I wasn’t laughing. He wasn’t really laughing either. I shouldn’t have reacted but seriously, I couldn’t help it. You’ve seen how my week has been – crazy fights, crazy sex and that crazy little situation … Seeing Jock was the last thing I needed.
We were both quiet for the rest of the journey home, me a little paranoid Jock would drive up beside us again, and him… Well, how are you meant to react when your new girlfriend freaks out about seeing her ex-love for the first time since the split and makes such a big deal about it?
When I got home, I cried for fifteen minutes solid. I don’t really know why. Perhaps relief? Relief that I was finally home and free to make my own decisions without having my vagina manipulated into changing my mind with Brown Eyes? Or maybe it was sadness? Sadness because Jock was exactly as I remembered him, how I once loved him. He’s the same old Jock but he’s not because he’s engaged now. He’s going to marry someone else. He’s taking someone else to bed. He’s doing all those little things he once did to me to someone else. He’s not mine.
Or maybe I cried because it was closure? He was so close and yet so far away at the same time. If I had reached out my hand (and lent out the window a little), I almost could have touched him, that man I once loved so much I thought I had found everything I’d always been looking for. Yet he was so far away. I don’t even know who he is anymore. I haven’t seen him in almost two years and if truth be told, I think I’m a little on my way to being over him. You see, as much as seeing him was like an electric shock to my heart, it didn’t cripple me half as much as I thought it might, seeing him for the first time. The tears that almost fell weren’t so much for him as out of embarrassment. I never should have reacted like that in front of Brown Eyes. If he’d done that in front of me, I’d have lost my shit. That wasn’t cool behaviour.
And it was after I’d cried for those fifteen minutes that I realised something quite tremendous. I’m not in love with Jock anymore. He doesn’t have that crippling hold over my heart anymore. My heart has moved on now. Oh boy has it. But it has. I can’t remember the last time I thought about Jock. I haven’t stalked him in a long time which is a pretty big achievement. He’s not a factor in my life anymore. He doesn’t control my life anymore. He’s never going to be in my life again. And that’s fine. I’ve accepted that now. I love him, of course I do. I always will. He’ll always be the one who got away. But I’m not in love with him.
It’s funny because the lyrics of the last song I heard in Brown Eyes’ van were:
“He only fucked you up ‘coz you let him.”
Oh the irony!