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Slut: Analysed

So, the hangover seems to have subsided somewhat and I’ve had some time to focus and think back over the stuff that happened on my date. I am genuinely not impressed with my dumbass behaviour. I shouldn’t have slept with him. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. He’s been regaling me with tales of our night (and enjoying it a little too much for my liking, too) but I’m not sure where Little Miss Promiscuous came from.

I need to put her back in the cage she clearly belongs in. Godamn, Little Miss Promiscuous.

At one stage today he said to me:

“My favourite line of the entire night was when I told you to lay down and let me play with your ass. You just smiled at me and said okay!” 

Really? On a first date? Really?! I hang my head in shame, I really do. I actually debated whether or not I should tell the whole truth in this post for fear of being judged, but what’s the point in not telling you? I’m anonymous for a reason, right? Plus … it’s just sex. What’s the big deal? Fuck it, I had a lot of fun.

Wasn’t that my plan in the first place?

I knew I’d be going home with him before I even left my house that night. I wore matching underwear. That decision was firmly in my hands. I may have gotten a second date out of him but it’s not enough to keep him off POF. I saw them on there earlier on and was quite surprised that he was online. After what we did last night? After what I did? To be fair, I was stupid enough to look and see if he was online. I purposely chose to hide my profile a few days ago, out of respect for him more than anything else, and I was kinda hoping I wouldn’t need to unhide it again. You see, I thought he was worth giving all of my attention to. I guess it doesn’t work both ways. He wasn’t just online for a few minutes earlier, he was online for a while.

Really? The guy that keeps telling me he doesn’t want to share is out there all-sharing?

I don’t know whether I should be offended by this, but I am. I’m offended that he said goodnight to me and then spent an hour or so chatting up a bunch of other women online, less than 24 hours after he had the all-clear to do whatever he wanted with my body.

Does this mean he thinks I’m not worth putting his full attention into? Upon further inspection, it would appear he’s updated his photos — and one of them was what he’d taken and sent to me right before out date. Ugh, this is exactly why you shouldn’t sleep with a guy on the first date. Or why I shouldn’t. Maybe if I hadn’t, he wouldn’t be trawling other women right now? Maybe I wouldn’t be questioning absolutely everything right now?

It’s so frustrating when we clicked so well last night. Did I fuck it up? What do I do now? Because I refuse to be his booty call  … despite my slutty behaviour.

Our next date is in 18 hours. Netflix n’ chill. He’ll cook dinner and sex is optional” because y vagina needs some serious R&R after last night’s shenanigans. When he sent me a photo in his military get-up earlier on, though, I could have clapped my hands together with glee. I kinda wanna be able to say that’s my guy.

I don’t want him to be talking to other women.

I’ve decided to give it to the second date. Third date, max, if the third date even happens. If he’s still online after that, we’ll be having the chat. It’ll go something like this:

“So I’m meant to be going on a date tonight but I don’t really know how I feel and whether or not I should. I don’t know the rules. What do you think…?” 

Obviously, I hope he’ll tell me that he wants exclusivity, that he doesn’t want to fuck other women. I hope he’ll tell me that he wants to deactivate his profile.

If he doesn’t, though – if he says it’s okay for me to go on the date – I’m not so sure he’s the right kinda guy for me anyway.

At least then I’ll know one way or another. And him too, hopefully. If you don’t know whether or not you want to date me after three dates, bearing in mind I put out on the first date, made it quite the performance and you’ve already seen me blind drunk, you definitely don’t and won’t want to date me.

I’m like Marmite. You either love me or you hate me, and that’s fine. It makes life simpler for me. But I don’t want to be the just-in-case girl. Or the put-out-on-a-first-date girl (even though I was).

I’ll try to be slightly more put-together on the second date, although I don’t suppose it matters if we sleep together or not. But I will look pretty and I’ll act like a lady and I definitely won’t drink that much again. Maybe a glass of wine or two, but I won’t get anal-fun-drunk again. I can’t do that to myself again. I can’t handle the hangover, first and foremost, and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t get a third date if I did that again. I certainly don’t think he’d take me seriously. I want our second date to be the sultry, flirty first date we should’ve had … and did have up until the point we fell into bed together.

Maybe I’m just thinking too much into it? After all, hasn’t he already said he hopes I want the second date and that there will be many more. Didn’t he say he was excited to see me again? Let’s re-evaluate things after the second date. Yes, let’s do that.

I’m still cringing, though. Girls give themselves far too much of a hard time for the kind of things guys do every weekend, don’t they?

Maybe I shouldn’t sleep with the guy on a first date if I can’t handle the self-judgement that comes afterwards?


Want to read what happened next? You’ll find that right here: 

THE SECOND FIRST DATE

Featured image by Clau M from Pixabay

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One Thought to “Slut: Analysed”

  1. If I were you I wouldn’t use the ‘I’m meant to be going on a date tonight’ line, because that may bring up other thoughts in him than a pure ‘are we exclusive, I just want to know where we stand’ talk. For instance, he might think you are just signalling that you aren’t looking to be exclusive yet, if you have already arranged a date, and you are telling him nicely to let him know. In my experience, it is always better to be completely honest and open. Good luck!

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