Guys, I’ve got to talk about something that’s happened.
My Mr. Grey and I have been texting … and it’s not all been clean and above board, if you know what I mean.
I know, I know, what the fuck am I doing? I have a lovely new boyfriend now — and he really is lovely, isn’t he? He’s making me happy, keeping me sexually satisfied (for the most part), and not fucking things up in a truly catastrophic way. Yet.
So, what the fuck am I doing indulging in a little light text sex with My Mr. Grey, then? It started off friendly and platonic enough, just a casual catch up between friends. Then he reminded me of the time we spent together around this time last year … and that’s about when things took a slightly different – and kinky – turn.
“Do you remember how it felt when my fist was inside you?” he asked me.
Christ, talk about dive right in. I flushed immediately, truly thankful that I wasn’t around anyone else when I read the message. Of course I remember how it felt when his fist was inside me. How could I not? I remember that entire trip like it was yesterday, which is quite surprising considering how drunk I was at the time. I’m fairly certain it’s going to end up being one of those nights I remember for the rest of my life.
I tried to reel the conversation back to a slightly less sexy topic, but it was to no avail. He kept finding a way to bring it right round back to sex again. I didn’t technically do anything. Like, there was no wanking on my end … but I can’t say the same was true for him. To be honest, I don’t know why I didn’t just stop texting back. I know how he works; what he does. He does the same thing every time I’m in a brand new relationship, almost like he’s got some sort of built-in radar for it: he pops up, says all the right things, lures me back under his spell again, and then leaves me disappointed with the lack of relationship-outcome. The cycle has destroyed more than its fair share of relationships with other people that were just getting off the ground, or almost destroyed them.
*cough* The Older Guy
*cough* The Married Guy
*cough* At least 3 other squaddies (though I kinda thank him for those, to be honest)
*cough* The Fireman’s Sister
*cough* The Lapdog
*cough* The Hubby
*cough* One Ball
*cough* The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of
Not that I’m keepin’ count or anything, but yeah, this is what he does. He springs back into my life out of nowhere, around the same time that I start something shiny and new with a potential love interest, showering me with compliments, waving his dick around, and reminding me of all the reasons I lust after him so much.
Once the conversation had fizzled out in that way it often does, I realised that I would’ve been furious if Jock had done what I’d just done, with another girl. I’d consider ditching him. We’re in a relationship now. Boyfriend and girlfriend. We had the exclusivity chat. I’m text-cheating on him … already. It’s been barely five minutes and I’m already fucking shit up.
But I know what I’m doing and now I can stop it, that’s the main thing here, right? I did briefly consider telling Jock about what I’d done, but then I decided against it. I don’t want to fuck it up, whatever it is that we have together. If nothing else, the little digital dalliance with My Mr. Grey just made me realise how much I wished it was Jock on the other end of the conversation. I miss the sex with My Mr. Grey and I think I always will do, but he doesn’t want to have a relationship with me. He’s made that perfectly clear, time and time again. It’s time for me to finally close that chapter and move on. In fact, it’s well overdue.
But anyway, I needed to confess and now I have.
Judge me all you like.
I’m already kicking myself for it.