I know what you’re wondering: Did he say the L-word?
Nope. No, he did not.
It’s quite ironic, really. First, all I could think about was saying it to him, but then I got over that and got a grip of myself. Next came his almost-L-word in virtually every conversation we had, which initially sent me running in the opposite direction. Something has changed, though. I don’t know whether it’s because I’ve been waiting for him to just come right out and say it for so long, or because I actually WANT him to say it, but now I just want him to flipping say it.
TELL ME YOU LOVE ME, JOCK. JUST GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH, PLEASE.
He’s definitely playing a game with me. That’s what I reckon. He lures me in, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, gets me ready and prepared for him to lay his heart on the line … and then he doesn’t lay his damn heart on the line. He keeps almost doing it and saying it, over and over and over again. Maybe this is my fault? I backed off so hard when he even sprinkled the idea of us LOVING each other. Maybe now he’s super scared that if he says it, I’ll back off again?
Have I accidentally told him to back the fuck up when I actually want him to just tell me that he loves me?
When he asked about One Ball, I told him that I felt rushed by it all; that things seemed to have gotten so crazily out of hand that I didn’t feel like I could reel it back in again. I didn’t want to speed things up again. I wanted to take my time. Old-fashioned romance, and ‘courting’, as my Nan would say. I meant it when I said all of those things to him … but I don’t think I mean them quite so much now, you know? It’s not like I can just turn around and tell him that though, is it?
Oh hey, yeah, remember that thing I said about not wanting to rush things or say the L-word too quickly? Yeah? Scrap it all. Throw it all in the trash. I lied. Let’s speed head-first into things like nothing else matters.
I think I’ve managed to clear one thing up in this whole mess: I do love him. There’s no maybe about it. I’m whole-heartedly, jaw-droppings, heart-stoppingly in love with him. We’ve ‘zinged’. (You’ll need to watch Hotel Transylvania to understand the reference, soz.)
It was as we were sitting in some greasy spoon, having breakfast, that I realised I love him. Properly love him. He’d taken me to the seaside for the morning, as I really do love the seaside, and we decided to have something to eat. Food ordered, just sipping a couple of coffees as we waited, we were sat across from each other, in silence, reading the morning papers — and it hit me. I glanced over at him from behind my headlines and it just hit me, violently, like a kick to the gut: I love him.
In that moment, I couldn’t imagine a life in which he didn’t exist. I didn’t want to imagine a life in which he didn’t exist. He makes my heart race when he looks at me, a steely-eyed look that actually makes my knees buckle and my hands start to shake. He drives me crazy, makes me nervous, and can have me laughing louder than I’ve ever laughed before. He’s it. Jock is what I want right now … maybe even what I need right now?
As I lowered my eyes back to my reading, I caught him glance at me from behind his and smile … and I wondered: did he just realise he was in love with me, too?
It’s been 69 days. (Wa-hey!)
9 weeks and 6 days since we first met.
But I love him.
I love that he knows how to play with me, both my head and my body, teasing me and tormenting me before giving me everything I could possibly want. I love how he grabs my skin, caressing it as he roams his hands over my arms, my legs, my ass. But what I really love is how he grabs it, forcefully, a little painfully, sometimes leaving tiny, faint fingerprint-shaped bruises behind. I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me, but I kinda like it when he does. He grabs my ribs and pulls me in close in exactly the same way that My Mr. Grey used to … and I’ve fucking missed how good that feels.
Did I tell you that he cups my face with his hands as he kisses me, looking right into my eyes – and my soul – as he does it? And he REALLY kisses me too. None of this half-measures bullshit, he’s all in. Kisses that leave me tingling from head to toe, and also a little breathless.
But there’s so much more to him than just that. Sometimes (though definitely not always), it’s like he can read my mind. He knows to kiss me before I want one, or pass me a cigarette before I think about it, or even offer to make me a drink right as I’m about to ask him to do it. He can make me laugh with just one look, and I’m talking proper belly laughs, too. Not just a little titter. And there are all these little coincidences. Like, places we’ve been, or people we know, or little situations that we’ve found ourselves in. Weird, little, insignificant coincidences, but when you put them all together in a neat little new-relationship-shaped bundle, they all seem hugely significant. It’s like the universe is telling me something.
Without sounding really weird about it, I think Jock might be all the things I used to love about my ex-lovers and boyfriends, all rolled up into one nice, neat, new package. He’s so similar to a few men from my dating history, but so different at the same time. He’s got the gorgeous accent from one man, and the beautiful eyes from another, plus that military connection from virtually every man I’ve dated before. And then there’s the laidback attitude like another chap, and the brilliant sense of humour like that other dude had … I could probably carry on for a while here. I’m actually starting to think he might be made up of all the best bits from my exes.
Of course, Bestie has a few things to say about this. Because of the little coincidences, he’s convinced that Jock is just an avid blog reader taking advantage of me, but I don’t think that at all. They’re not blog-specific coincidences, you know? There’s no evidence to point to Jock possibly reading my blog. Nothing at all. Maybe Bestie’s just a bit jealous that this new man in my life is making me laugh and showing me a good time? *shrugs*
Anyway, to recap: we still haven’t said the L-word, I’m now 100% sure I love him, and I’m starting to think that he might be made up of all the best bits from all of my ex-boyfriends.
But how’s your love life going?