Something’s going on here, I’m not entirely sure what. My head is all over the place. I think I need to get it down in print to clear my head. It feels like I haven’t blogged in such a long time and I have so much to catch you up on. I warn you, peeps, this could turn into a really long blog post.
We’ll start with the P-word.
It seemed like it’d been such a long time since I had a period, so I thought I’d better check things out. I went back through my blog and Twitter to see when my last Mother Nature-related rant was and realised it was the 16th of February. A few calculations later, I figured out I was a whole five days late. I’m never really that late. Shit.
I went to a pregnancy tracker website and typed in the first day of my last period. I would have conceived the very same day One Ball had come down to see me last. He’d had a vasectomy but it was apparently not uncommon for men to get their partners pregnant in the weeks directly following having the surgery. Awesome. What are the chances … ?
I decided to bite the bullet and tell him what was going on, against my better judgment. He told me that he knew something was wrong, I’d been really weird with him recently, blowing hot and cold. He kept asking what was wrong, so I just gave in and told him … and was met by the reaction I should’ve expected, really. His honesty, although expected, was actually really shocking. He did not want another baby. He would encourage me to have a termination.
I’m not in the right kind of place to have a child – I hold my hands up to that – but to hear it like that, so bluntly, from the man I was sleeping with … well, it hit me in the face like a big, cold slap.
Thwack, how’s that reality check for you?
As much as his reaction upset me a little, I was on the same page as him. We haven’t been together long enough to bring a baby into the equation, and I’m not where I want to be. I’m not financially ready yet, my body isn’t ready yet, my mind isn’t ready yet …
Thankfully, I didn’t have too much to worry about. My period was just late.
The Lapdog is back in my life.
He text me and I ignored it.
He text me again, the following night, and I ignored it.
He text me an hour after that and I ignored it.
He text me an hour after that, again, and I finally gave in and responded. He’s a persistent little fucker.
We had a few brief polite words before he asked if he could call, and we talked for hours, probably about two and a half. We talked about him and his girlfriend, and me and my boyfriend. He was walking home from a friend’s house at the time, and I think he only reason he called me was for some company on his long walk. He tried to bring up the past but I steered him away at every opportunity … I knew where the conversation would eventually end up.
He wanted to add me as a friend on Facebook again, but I respectfully declined. I’m just not ready to have him back in my life again. I’m settled with One Ball, and I don’t want to rock the boat. I can see myself cheating on OB with The Lapdog and I hate that I just admitted it. It’s funny, though; recently I’ve noticed they are fairly similar people. I can see a lot of things in OB that I can see in The Lapdog, and vice versa. Well, that can’t be good.
Yup, this little shit – The Take-Me-To-The-Woods Guy – came back. Same drill: he text, I ignore it, so-on and so forth, until eventually, in a bout of insomnia, I give him what he wants and text him back. The usual bullshit continues: he wants me to send him a pic of my tits, he wants us to arrange to meet up, blah, blah, blah. I’m being a good girl, as always, but I quite like having him around. Well, in messaging form anyway. He gives me that daily confidence boost I think every girl needs from time to time. He annoys the hell out of me, of course, and I doubt I would ever actually go to meet him, but I like the little flirtation/banter we have together.
See, my bored, badass side is coming back out. I’m going out drinking for the first time in forever tomorrow night and I’m actually considering having a wax …
I’ve got sex on the brain.
A Little Bit of Big Love
I stalked Big Love recently. It was their [him + gf] one year anniversary a couple of days ago, I guess. The first thing I felt when I saw the beautiful love poem-slash-vomit-inducing, badly written mini-essay that she had left publicly on his page, was heart-breaking pain. It lasted just for a moment but it was most definitely there. Jealousy, anger, resentment, love, lust, adoration, obsession and a million other emotions all zooming around my body at once. He was my guy, not hers. It was like a smack in the face, almost as though my Facebook page had turned around and said to me: “Haha! He doesn’t love you anymore! He loves her! Ner ner ner ner ner!”
Of course, as the days went by, I looked at it a thousand times and a few things dawned on me. Firstly, it was their one year anniversary and she had waxed lyrical about their beautiful and everlasting bond (vomit), but he hadn’t said a single word. He didn’t respond to her public display of love and adoration at all. He posted a status about going sledding, though. It was almost as though he’d completely ignored the remark was there. Her page is totally private, so I couldn’t even see if he had written something on her page, but I’d like to bet money that he hasn’t. I remember the public declarations of love we made for each other and we most definitely acknowledged each other’s posts, at the very least.
Moving on from that, her page is completely private. I can’t see a single thing. However, when she posted on his wall, it was totally public. I could see everything. Every like, every friend that commented, everything. Surely her default settings would’ve ensured I couldn’t have seen it as I wasn’t friends with either of them? That means she would’ve had to make that public for a reason. Is that reason me? Is there trouble in paradise again?
Things seem to be going swimmingly for me. My little business is going from strength to strength and it would appear that things are finally starting to get moving. My boyfriend is still pretty much perfect, apart from the drunken phone calls and messages that kept me up half the night (to 3:30 am) before work the next day, pissing me off more than he could ever understand. Aside from that, he’s perfect as always. The past men in my life are popping out of nowhere as usual and things are doing alright. Aside from the boredom and monotony that’s driving me crazy, of course!