My Dating Life The Lapdog 

The Pros and Cons of The Lapdog

“You should write a pros and cons list for him. Then you’ll know what makes sense.”

My coworker told me to stop moping and make some decisions. She’s right about making some decisions; I definitely need to do that. I’m still dating The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of, but it’s The Lapdog still weighing heavily on my mind. I’m starting to worry that I’m letting good guys pass me by because I’m too busy paying attention to the things that don’t feel right.

But things should feel right … right?

Anyway, I decided to do the list.

The Pros and Cons of The Lapdog

It’s always good to start with the bad stuff, I think, so I’m going to dive right in with the list of cons because I feel they’re probably going to be easier to jot down. Shit, that’s a bad sign already, isn’t it?

The Cons –

He’s obsessed with his car. We have a lot of sex in his car, which is a good thing, but he can spend hours working on it, cleaning it, and generally faffing around with it … which takes away from the attention that he should be paying to me.

He’s younger than me by almost two years. I HATE that. I know it’s really not that much of a big deal, but it bugs me more than I know how to explain. It’s a thing for me. A weird thing that I need to figure out, but still … I don’t like it.

He lives at home his parents and that makes sex/party time/private time rather difficult for us. I live with my family too, but I’ve literally just moved back from the other side of the world, so I think that’s okay for just now. Plus, it’s short term. The Lapdog lives with his parents permanently.

He’s always broke. Money isn’t a big deal for me, but it seems to be a big deal for him. He goes out of his way to spend money he doesn’t have on me and I’d really rather he didn’t do that. Spend your money on your debts and then we’ll live a great life later, when it’s all paid off.

He’s a smoker. I’m a smoker too, but I’m trying to quit. I don’t think he actually wants to quit.

He does things on purpose to get a reaction out of me, often using Facebook or other forms of social media to do it. He’ll send me messages that are meant for other people, but I often get the impression that he’s just made up the accidental text situation just to tell me to respond or react in some way.

He’s so full-on. Like, proper full-on. He wants me around all of the time, and I think our relationship would zoom off into space before I’ve even had a chance to realise what’s going on. We’d been engaged in a heartbeat, and I’ve no doubt that I’d end up pregnant too quickly. It would be one of those crazy, whirlwind love affairs that just gets totally out of hand. He loves hard and fast. So do I. That’s a little recipe for disaster.

He wants CONSTANT communication. It’s exhausting. I can’t text someone back that frequently, nor do I want to. If we text all day and all night, what are we going to have to talk about when we actually see each other? We don’t need to text all the time.

Okay, so, those are some pretty bad cons. I should probably even out the list.

The Pros –

His kisses have the power to melt me into a little puddle on the floor. My legs actually buckle. My knees actually go weak. He grabs my head and kisses me in a way that is quite surprising for such an assuming chap. If I could take the kisses of any one person in my dating history, his would be the ones I’d choose. They’re magical.

You know, his cock is pretty close to perfection too. In every single, teeny tiny little way. Perfect length. Perfect girth. It does things to me that I don’t understand. Even his tongue is perfect. And his fingers. And everything about him. We’ve had some of the most amazing sex together and it’s the thing I miss about him the most when we part ways. We click together perfectly in the bedroom. He’s as playful as I am. It’s amazing.

He spoils me in every way that he can, and it’s not just buying me gifts. Nothing is too much for him when it comes to me. I could call him up form the other side of the country and four in the morning and he’d still hop in his car to come and get me. He’s saved me from many a drunken night in our history, and he’d do practically anything I asked of him, no matter the time or what else he had to cancel to do it. I reckon I could call him up right this very second with a favour and he’d still do it for me. He’s lovely like that.

He’s so funny. He makes me laugh so much.

I love his family and they loved me before I repeatedly broke his heart. I actually miss his family a lot when we don’t work out, and they’re always so welcoming when I enter his life for another round. I probably won’t get the same respect this time around, though.


The cons list is longer but don’t the pros outweigh them in terms of quantity? His cons are fluffy and superficial. Nothing that can’t be fixed or tweaked or turned around in some way? Aren’t they the kind of things that make us grow and evolve together? Compromising with each other?

Not that it matters, of course. He has a new girlfriend now and they’re SUPER HAPPY if Facebook is anything to go by. But I miss him. Not enough to send him a message and try to sabotage his new relationship, because I do want him to be happy. And all those things I said about us evolving and growing and living first still stands. And if they turn out to be a long-term thing, maybe we weren’t ever meant to be together in the end anyway?

I made my bed, right? I let him go. Perhaps it’s about time I lie in it?

(But fuck tho, the SEX!)

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