I keep talking about The Director and the up and down relationship we seem to have found ourselves in but one person I haven’t spoken about enough, or at all for that matter is The Twirtation. He’s still around in a roundabout kinda way. I seem to have the hardest time writing down my thoughts about him probably because I know he’s going to read it, but I need to write about him at some point right?
Why not now?
We’ve been talking for a while now except he’s agreed to take that step back I kept asking for. I’ve had a shitty week or so and by withdrawing into my woman cave, I pretty much ignored everyone – real people and virtual people alike. He didn’t like that of course. I think it fucked him up a little. I don’t really know where to start talking about it really. Or us. Or how we’ve ended up where we’re at now. Why not start by talking about what’s happening right now?
He knows about The Director. Of course he does, he reads my blog. He tells me he doesn’t like him all the time which annoys me more than I’ll ever tell him. Sometimes I feel like telling him straight – YOU approached me knowing full well I was dating someone. How can you be mad when I see him? You have no right to tell me it makes you sad. You have no right to ask whether or not I’ve slept with him. Of course I slept with him. We’re dating. Technically I think we’re kinda ‘together’ whatever that means. I never asked for this. I never asked for you to approach me. Nor did I ask for it to get this far.
As much as I get angry though, I don’t feel like that with him for very long. The worst thing about him reading my blog is that it’s like he has an open door right to the inner workings of my mind. He knows those morning messages and good night messages are important and he sends them every day without fail, whether I’m in an ignore-my-phone-because-it’s-morning mood or not.
He knows that his mischievous nature makes me giggle. He sends me these texts sometimes saying things like:
*Giggles and sneaks up behind you to kiss your neck and run away!*
He knows I love all that mischievous, playful stuff. He knows that’s how to win me over. He knows that certain songs will get to me before he sends them. He knows what words will win me round and exactly what things to say to get me hot under the collar. Trying to keep things on a platonic level with this man is impossible. I’m trying my hardest to stand my ground and be respectful to The Director but The Twirtation is making it really hard.
We’ve been going through this circle of talking, getting too close and me running away. He doesn’t want a relationship and I’m in one already but it seems we have this crazy connection – the same one I spoke about last time. Even when I try and refrain from communicating with him, I can’t help myself. I don’t know why. This is a man I’ve never met, a man I didn’t think I had any intentions of meeting, a man I never asked to pursue me yet somehow, he’s grinding me down. That’s probably not the best way to say it but I’m sure he’ll understand what I mean when I say that.
Plus there’s this whole side of him that I can’t forget about. One character trait which keeps me interested, wondering more, wanting more…
In exactly the way you think he is.
Which brings me to where we are right now.
He doesn’t want a relationship but he doesn’t want to forget about the connection we have. I don’t want a relationship because I already have one but I can’t forget about the connection we have.
So what do we do?
We play a game.
I don’t know the rules of the game but I know I have safe words – one for an almost-NO and a different one for a definite NO. I know that he wants me to WANT to submit to him, not just submit to him because he wants me to. He wants to show off this sadistic side that he probably already knows will win me over. Because to win over my heart you need to win over my vagina and more importantly than that – my head. Any my head is a little fucked up. I think that’s what he’s trying to do – understand me. He’s always one step ahead of me. He’s always thinking one step ahead. I hate it. It frustrates me. It means he has an answer for everything and I don’t.
He’s going to give me daily tasks. They won’t all be sexual and they won’t jeopardise what’s going on with The Director and I. However, they may involve him as long as I don’t tell him. I don’t know what that means but I can only assume he’s going to tell me to refrain from sleeping with him. Obviously.
At the end of the day I am to report back with my status. How I felt about it, whether or not I did it, etc. If I fail, I will get punished. Once again I don’t know what that means but I can only assume it will be something sexual… Or something I don’t want to do.
He wants to get to know me more. He wants me to get to know him more. It still feels like he’s pursuing me even though we agreed for him to take the step back. But there’s something about this game that’s kinda enticing. Isn’t this what I’ve been kinda looking for? The man who can control me in bed? The one who can get inside my head and fuck it all over between the sheets? A man who can push my boundaries further than anyone ever has before? Isn’t that the reason I keep going back to My Mr. Grey even after all these years? He’s the only man brave enough to ignore my no’s and keep going, opening my eyes to things I would never have tried and ended up secretly loving…
The question is….
Do I play the game?