It’s been a while since I’ve been an overly jealous person. I know I have very jealous (read: crazy) tendencies in me somewhere, because they all came out while I was married. I think they also came out quite a lot when I dated Jock. His ex was a constant problem, and I was always jealous over her power to keep him dangling. I don’t think I saw it as jealousy at the time, but after reading some of those posts again recently, I can very clearly see the big green monster rearing its ugly head.
I just think I don’t care enough to get jealous. The Director, for example, I knew was probably dating or screwing other women. I could feel it, sense it almost, and this annoyed me a lot. I don’t really know if I can put that down to jealousy though. More like not getting what I wanted. I can be a real brat. And looking back, I really wasn’t as into him as I thought I was. I think I was just bored and lonely.
But today … today I felt jealous. Real jealousy. Jealousy like I hadn’t felt in a really long time. Bear had some evening appointments. I decided to keep him company, but hid myself off in another room while he was doing his business. I heard the clients come in. I heard Bear greet them. I heard them talking for a while, and then I heard the buzz of a tattoo needle. I tried to busy myself with the pile of work I had in front of me, but I kept getting distracted by the tinkle of a flirty little giggle. I know that flirty little giggle because I do it myself. It’s my flirt giggle. It’s a different kind of giggle, you know? (Or maybe I’m just being crazily jealous again?)
I turned the TV down a little, trying to listen in on their conversation. I’m pretty sure she was flirting with him. I couldn’t really hear the conversation that well, but I could hear the flirty giggles in between little snippets of chit-chat. That’s where we’re at right now. I’m currently sat in the other room in front of my laptop, listening to some woman throw herself at my man. To be fair, Bear did warn me of this. Women throw themselves at tattoo artists. I’ve never seen it. I’ve never thrown myself at a tattoo artist (with the exception of Bear, of course), and I didn’t realise other women did it. But this is the second female that has quite literally thrown herself at my man. At least this one didn’t realise I was around. The last one did it right in front of me!
I’m not very good with jealousy. I don’t really know how to act when I feel jealous. I can’t remember the last time I got seriously jealous about a man either. I know I probably have, but I can’t remember. It’s pathetic really. I mean, right now it’s pathetic. He’s just doing his job, and whether or not she is flirting with him, it doesn’t mean he’s doing something he shouldn’t. I know all that. I’ve been telling myself that for a good couple of hours, but that doesn’t make the jealousy go away, does it? I still feel it. Even though I know it’s probably very unjustified, I still feel all. of. it.
Is it wrong that I quite like it? It’s been a LONG time since I gave enough of a shit about a man to get jealous about him or anything he was doing. When Someone New fucked me about with that home-wrecking whore, I didn’t even give him a second thought. I had my angry rant and then I kicked him to the curb. To be fair, he went on a date with an actual home-wrecking woman while we were together. I think my little rant was highly justified on that occasion.
But right now … how do I deal with this? I thought about going out to say hello, because I knew once I’d been in their company (Bear and his client) for a few minutes, I’d probably really like the woman. Or not. But if not, I could deal with her in the same way that I dealt with the last one. I can judge her, remind myself that I am better than her (I know, bitchy AS FUCK), and then move on.
But when I turned my TV down to have a wee listen in on their chit-chat, I heard Bear giggling too. Like proper giggling. I’d best not go out. I have a REALLY expressive face. They’d both know I was PISSED OFF the second I went out there.
I guess I just don’t know how to deal with jealousy that well. I don’t know what to do right now, or how to react. I don’t really feel the need to go out there and piss all up his leg, metaphorically, of course. So what do I do? Ignore it? Pretend it’s not there? Suppress it? How do I do that? How do I stop myself from becoming stupidly jealous over nothing? Or something that’s probably nothing. Or nothing that might be something. I don’t know. Help?
Two hours later.
The client left, flirt-giggling her way out the door, and Bear went to the shop without even saying a word to me. He came back without saying a word. He entered the room I was in, grabbed something, and then turned to leave without saying a word.
Very unusual behaviour.
I ranted for a few moments, he told me I was a dick, and then he left the room. We’ve been ignoring each other ever since.
Now I’m really annoyed. Why? Because Bear went nuts when a guy so much as dared to come outside and smoke with me, and now he doesn’t understand why this little situation has pissed me off. Sometimes there are some seriously double standards in this relationship. I might get irrationally jealous every now and again, but he gets irrationally jealous about EVERYTHING. About every guy I talk to. Every single time he’s freaked out, I’ve put his mind at ease. I’ve listened to his rants, taken on board his worries and concerns, and then explained MY side of the story. I always reassure him. I always make sure he’s okay. He’s done none of those things. ZERO. In fact, he’s just acted damn weird. He IS acting damn weird. He started acting damn weird the moment that women entered OUR home. I don’t even know what she looks like. I knew I should have fucking gone out there. I bet she was pretty. She was clearly hilarious. They couldn’t stop giggling.
I’m a little worried now.
Damn that ugly green monster.