I have had a very bad feeling about today from the moment I first opened my eyes. I don’t know how to explain it to you, but I like to call it my female intuition. You know what I mean, ladies: that overwhelming sense of dread you get right in the very pit of your stomach when you know something bad is going to happen.
I don’t know what it is. I woke up with no energy even though I’d slept for about 7 hours straight (for once). I don’t want to talk to people. My phone has been going off and I can’t be bothered to message anyone back. I’m just not in a happy mood, I don’t want to socialise, and it’s hard enough knowing that I’ve got to go to work in a couple of hours even though it is only for four hours.
I can’t focus on anything. I tried to make use of my free morning to get some writing stuff finished and I can’t seem to get cracking on it. I want to call the gynae clinic to see if any results have come in yet, but I only called on Monday and she told me to wait a whole week before I called back and tried again, and only if I hadn’t already heard from them. I know that no news is good news, but this whole waiting game to find out whether or not my poor cervix is going to get any better or a whole load worse is starting to really affect my zen.
I’m seriously overthinking this Someone New thing too, and he’s not making things any easier. He’s such a lovely guy, but it’s all starting to get a bit too much for me. As well as the red flags I discussed in my previous post, he’s started to get funny about Number 46 and me working together again. I was honest with him about it because I felt like that was the best way forward, plus it didn’t seem right for me to get annoyed about him and his colleague situation if I was virtually hiding the exact same thing from him. Well, not the exact same thing, but similar.
At any other time in my life, this guy would have been EVERYTHING I was looking for. Yes, he’s a bit controlling, but I’ve always wanted the guy that COULD control me, haven’t I? That’s what the attraction is between My Mr. Grey and me: he can control me with just the smallest touch or the sneakiest smile. I’ve always been looking for the father figure; that’s why I’ve always liked older guys. But Someone New is super handsome, has eyes I CANNOT stop falling into, a penis I could quite happily play with forever, isn’t too skinny, isn’t too fat, has the cutest little gut that I very much enjoy resting my head on, enjoys having a laugh with me, teases me, makes me laugh, can cook, is clean and hygienic, doesn’t have money issues, doesn’t smoke, only occasionally drinks, doesn’t take drugs, is tall and makes me feel protected, loves to cuddle, has the highest sex drive I’ve ever come across in a man, calls me beautiful every day – multiple times per day, and looks at me like he could just eat me up. I’m his feisty, horny, beautiful little smurf. Those are his words.
But somehow, despite all that, something is still not quite clicking into place.
I’m still just not that into him.
I guess I’d best get ready for work really. Let’s hope my bad feeling today was unjustified, eh?