I love sex. Sex at ANY time of day is just fine, as far as I’m concerned. But there’s one part of sex that I really don’t appear to have figured out that well yet, though …
Especially morning sex with my current significant other. We don’t appear to be all that “in sync”. He doesn’t give a shit about morning breath, but his morning stench makes me gag. He also doesn’t have a problem with pumping away at me for ages, but I get bored after a while and just fancy a cup of tea. He doesn’t need to pee right away, but I always need to run to the loo as soon as I open my eyes.
I get that we are going to have different morning priorities here, but there are some factors that are non-negotiable for me. So, I decided to write down the unspoken rules of morning sex to make things nice and clear.
1 – Wake me up but be nice about it.
I have no issues being woken up by my guy and his wandering hands or dick, but for fuck’s sake, if you’re gonna do it, do it nicely. Caress my neck with your fingers, kiss my collarbone, twirl your tongue around my nipples …
Stabbing me in the small of the back with your morning wood is not going to make me wet. Nor will poking and prodding away with your fingers at my sore vagina, caused by the great sex we had last night.
Which brings me nicely to my next point…
2 – Poking & proddin’ ain’t gonna work.
Right, if we’ve had sex the night before, or even a couple of nights before, there’s a good chance my vagina is still going to be a bit sore. It’s probably swollen and still stings a bit. That means I’m sensitive. Super sensitive. If you’re going to gently caress me to orgasm in the morning light, please do it gently. Sticking a finger in and wiggling it around hurts. Gently circling my clit with your lubricated (spit) fingertip doesn’t hurt. Think about it.
3 – It’ll take a while to get my juices flowing.
In the morning, it takes a while for most things to happen for me. I’m never fully awake before a cup of tea. I can’t function properly at work until I’ve had that first cup of barista coffee. I have a system: wake up, drink tea, go to work, have coffee, be human. That’s how it goes.
If you try and make me do stuff before that system of events has happened, it’s not going to go right. In the morning, if you try to have sex with me, you need to work that little bit harder before I’m wet enough to proceed. Do you get me? Be prepared to play around for a little while longer. If it’s not wet yet, don’t put it in yet. Simples.
4 – Don’t go down on me …
…if you came inside me the night before. This has actually happened to me: Big Love came inside me on a benderific night out. He went to help lubricate things along the next morning, with his tongue, only to be met by that smell: you + him after a night of rampant fucking.
Come on, folks, you know what I’m talking about here. It’s him mixed with her after it’s been left to mix together all night in the sweaty crevice between her legs. It’s gross. To me it is, anyway. Some guys say they don’t care about licking their own semen outta me, but with that stench, both of us are going to be embarrassed if it actually happens. Do yourself a favour and just don’t even try to go anywhere down near that region. Anything below the nipples is going to make me squirm uncomfortably, scared that you’re going to get a good whiff.
Oh, and alongside cunnilingus, anal sex is most definitely NOT COOL first thing in the morning. Not for me. No, thank you.
5 – Pee first.
Guys, you know you can’t climax until after you’ve peed in the morning. You’ll be hard for hours, but I know it’s the wrong kinda hard. Just get up and pee first (if you get the chance). It only takes a couple of minutes. Pretty please.
6 – Hours = not fun.
If you think that going for hours is fun first thing in the morning, think again.
Firstly, I’ve probably got shit to do.
Secondly, after a while, I’m going to go dry and it’s going to start hurting. Once again, this is even more so the case if we had sex last night and I’m still swollen and sore.
Thirdly, I know that you won’t climax because you didn’t go and pee first.
Anyway, after about half an hour of straight-wakeup-morning sex, I’m going to be gagging for a drink…
7 – NO FACE TO FACE.
I’ve already mentioned your morning breath. It’s disgusting. Don’t talk to me. Don’t breathe in my direction. Don’t try to kiss my lips. Don’t come anywhere near me or my face with that putrid smell coming out of you. I will try and avoid doing the same.
Spooning is one of the only acceptable positions for morning sex [for me]. Doggy is a bit too dirty. Cowgirl is a bit risky because I probably don’t look that great with my squinty eyes and cray-cray hair. Definitely not missionary position. That’s too close. Reverse cowgirl is a bit dodgy (think of the morning farts), and being bent over the bed is also terribly questionable.
Stick with spooning – it’s the safest option.
(Unless you’re gonna get up and brush your teeth first, and make me brush mine too. Then we’re good with missionary. Honestly though, who’s prepared enough for that? I never remember to have mints next to the bed for when I have company even though I keep telling myself I’ll be that prepared.)
8 – There’s gonna be stubble – accept it.
If she shaved for you last night, there’s a good chance that there will be stubble by the time you get around to the second sitting in the morning. Don’t talk about it. Don’t draw her attention to it. Don’t even react to it. Get used to it. Accept it. The more you sleep with us, the worse it’ll get. Long-term-relationshipper’s can go months without shaving their legs or bikini lines. Ask them.
9 – I’m not gonna look pretty – accept it.
Honestly, I’m hideous in the morning. My hair is standing up all over the place, there’s a good chance I’ve got panda eyes because I didn’t take my makeup off last night as I’m lazy, my face is all puffy when I first wake up, and I’ve got a badass attitude with a mouth and scowl to match it.
Why would you want to sexy up with that beast?
I’m not pretty first thing in the morning. I’m pretty about an hour after I wake up, once I’ve showered, washed, dried and styled my hair, and slapped on enough makeup to impress a TOWIE regular. Oh, and I’ve had a cup of tea/coffee.
10 – Cuppa Tea.
The only way to end morning sex is with a cup of tea. You get in that kitchen and make me tea, please. I’ll love you for the rest of the day. Strong but with enough milk to make it drinkable almost straight away, please, and with two level sugars.