I know I said that I wasn’t going to make New Year’s Resolutions this year, but I’m changing my mind already. Ish. Rather than making all these silly resolutions that I’m no doubt going to bail on within a few days or weeks, I’ve decided to create a slightly more long-term strategy than that, to get my life back on track.
I’ve come up with a few things that I think are ‘flaws’ of mine, that I should work on to make better.
1 – I VOW TO STOP FALLING IN LOVE SO EASILY
I’m already past this point with One Ball so obviously I’m going to need to implement this with the next chap. If there is a next chap …
I need to stop being so blindsided by love. Specifically, my love for someone. I get walked all over when I’m in love with someone, and I let them get away with everything. Literally, everything. Every single one of my relationships has been a massive power shift. In the beginning, they’re obsessed/infatuated/besotted with me. Then, as we get together, they start getting less interested but I start getting more interested. I turn into this needy, clingy, annoying person who feels the need to do everything and anything for their significant other.
I need to stop falling in so love quickly to stop those rose-tinted spectacles from clouding my judgement. I know the red flags are there early on; I just choose to ignore them because I’m falling in or have already fallen in love.
2 – I VOW TO STOP HOLDING ON TO PAST LOVES
Anyone with half a brain can see that I’m still hung-up on Big Love. Even I can see that, even though I hate to admit it. I need to stop thinking about him, stop stalking him on Facebook, and stop wishing for the day that he knocks on my door to tell me he’s made a terrible mistake. That’s never going to happen. I need to let go. I need to LEARN to let go.
Forging and forgetting is what I’m going to be about in 2013, but I’ll be focusing on the forgetting part.
3 – I VOW TO STOP GETTING HIGH AND EATING MY OWN BODY WEIGHT IN MUNCHIES [SO MUCH]
I’ve already lost weight and managed to keep it off for a bit, so I’m not freaking out too much about my weight. I really need to stop getting the munchies, though. I also need to stop self-medicating with weed. I use it to relax and de-stress, but I should probably find another way, like exercising or something.
Not that I want to. I’m totally pro-weed!
4 – I VOW TO STOP SPENDING
I can’t ever seem to find myself with a savings fund that lasts for long, so I either need to reduce my spending or increase my earnings. Either way, I should probably get my finances in check before it turns into an actual problem.
5 – I VOW TO STOP BEING LAZY
I hate going to the gym so much. I mean, I’ll do it if I have to, but I hate it. At my heaviest, I weighed between 200 and 220 pounds. At my lightest, I weighed 160. I tend to fluctuate between 170-175, but I would like to lose a bit more weight. Ideally, I’d like to hit my goal weight of 145, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get that far.
I need to find an exercise type that I actually enjoy. I’m not lazy in the sense that I don’t do things, but I’m lazy in the sense that I’ll put off working out if I don’t enjoy the exercise. Maybe I’ll brave the swimming pool again?
6 – I VOW TO STOP BEING SO HARD ON MYSELF
I definitely need to give myself a break when it comes to the way I look. I love the fact that I’ve lost some weight, but I still don’t feel particularly brilliant. I feel okay, but I could feel a whole load better.
I buy dresses that I don’t wear because I feel like I might be “too fat” for them. I imagine outfits in my head that don’t ever look the same when I put them on and look in the mirror, and my hair/nails/makeup never quite turns out the way I’d hoped … but I think that’s just life. Maybe I should stop giving myself a hard time for the way I look and just live my life instead?
And if someone knows how to do that, please let me know. Thanks!
7 – I VOW TO NOT SELF-HARM
I’m not saying that I want to cut myself for every minute of every day, but it’s a thought I still have regularly. There have been times where I’ve felt so distraught with life that it’s the only thing I can think of, but, thankfully, I’ve not acted on those impulses. It’s tough, though. There’s something really very addictive about the feeling – that outburst of blood is almost the same as an outpouring of emotion.
8 – I VOW TO MAKE MORE TIME FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY
Life takes over everything sometimes. Work, boys, writing, socialising … it all takes time. I feel like I need to make more time for my family and also my closest friends. I don’t write letters that I promise I’m going to write or send parcels that I promise to send or call when I say I’m going to call. I’m flaky. I’m okay with that, but I should make more of an effort for people who actually mean something to me.
9 – I VOW TO DIVORCE MY HUSBAND
I’m not holding on to him, but divorcing The Hubby seems to be the one thing that I just can’t do yet. And it’s got nothing really to do with being married to him; it’s to do with me not having the courage to talk to him about. I can’t talk to him. I don’t want to talk to him. Not even to sort out of the divorce. The feeling seems to be mutual, but he still terrifies me. The thought of talking to him, of having anything to do with him, gives me actual nightmares.
If someone else wants to sort out my divorce for me, that would be great, thanks!
10 – I VOW TO JUST GIVE MYSELF A BREAK
I fuck up all the time, and I know that vow #10 is virtually the same as #6, but I feel like this one is doubly important. I’m so hard on myself. Everyone tells me that. I really want to learn how to just be comfortable with me — the way I am, the way I look, everything.
I’m going to work on it really hard, I promise.
What do you vow to stop (or start) doing in 2013?
I’d love to hear all about it!