I’ve been dating my current beau for about three months now. We’ve been ‘official’ for about a month of that. You know: Facebook official. We’ve updated our relationship statuses to mention the other. You know it’s fairly serious when I’m happy for my family and friends to be able to locate him and potentially stalk him on social media.
I’m a really sexual person. You’ll probably recognise that over the course of this blog, which I’m writing not just for your entertainment but also because I think I need to start talking to someone, anyone, about my bizarre and, at times, rather disappointing sexual experiences. I like sex. I enjoy sex. I especially love having great sex, just like most other people, I imagine. I like sex that isn’t ‘vanilla’. I don’t mind vanilla from time to time, but I’m a fan of pain — scratching, biting, slapping, hard, playful, teasing … Think of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ but much better.
My current beau is pretty good in bed. But I do have a few complaints …
Let’s start with the kisses.
I’ve actually turned down the chance to have sex with this chap because I can’t stand the way he kisses me. They’re so bad. He just opens and closes his mouth like a fish, no tongue, no real movement, no excitement or rhythm. It’s all just fish mouth, and fish mouth is NOT attractive. How can you seriously expect me to get excited about sex when his kisses arouse me about the same amount as a can of tuna would?
Let’s move further south.
I should probably tell him that ‘wax on, wax off’ is something out of a movie, not a real sex move, because I’m getting kinda sick of him doing it to my breasts. Not even Brad Pitt could get away with this kind of foreplay, not that I like him all that much but you know what I mean. It’s an act that doesn’t do much for me, and despite me trying to move his hands, and even use my own hands to show him what I like, he still goes back to that default wax on, wax off move again. Why? Why does he keep doing it? If I deliberately don’t gasp and moan and writhe with enjoyment, like I do with the moves I actually like, why would he keep doing it?! At this stage, I’ve pretty much given up on trying to change his technique.
And let’s go down some more.
He flicks my bean. I don’t mean metaphorically; he actually flicks it. Like, flicks the tip of his finger right over my clit in a really heavy-handed and uncomfortable way. I love pain, yes, but not this kind of pain. It’s not nice, I don’t like it, and I’ve even tried to tell him that I prefer different actions, but he’s stubborn as fuck. It’s turning into torture. How do I get him to stop doing it without actually blurting out something like: “Oi, please stop doing that. I can’t stand it and it seems that my not-so-subtle hints aren’t working!”?
And now for the sex.
Despite the kisses and the foreplay being terrible, the sex is actually great. He goes hard, he goes deep, and he goes fast, and then slow, and then fast again … just how I like it. It’s a quickie when I want a quickie, and more than that when I want more. I can’t get enough of the actual penetrative sex with him, but I just wish we could avoid all of that awkward foreplay stuff first. I don’t understand how a man with such a talented dick can be so useless with his fingers and mouth. Perhaps useless is too strong a word, but the difference between the sex and the foreplay really is quite ridiculous.
So … what makes great sex great?
How much should one person have to compromise in order to find great sex? Is it a case of I need to give up great kisses for great dick technique? Surely there’s got to be someone out there that has the full package — the kisses, the foreplay, the sex, everything? I was always under the impressed that great kisses meant great sex, and bad kisses meant great sex … but what happens when that rule doesn’t apply?