I recently delved into my drafts on Twitter for the first time in a very long time (like, forever) and found some absolute crackers that I thought I might share with you before I delete them. These were things I didn’t feel brave enough to say, changed my mind about saying, couldn’t say because of shitty signal (I’m assuming), and various other unknown reasons. I know it says 2019 in the title, but there’s a good chance that some of these have been sat there for a good few years.
– THE TWEETS I DIDN’T SEND 2019 –
Can everyone please just fuck off and leave me to play with my new sex toys in peace? THANKS.
Please don’t turn me down if I drunkenly throw myself at you. Much appreciated.
Man at my door, 9am: Have you invited God into your life?
Me: Have you invited Satan into yours?
You’re a cunt. [This is a subtweet.]
CONSTANTLY RINGING THE DOORBELL FOR FLAT A IS NOT GOING TO MAKE YOUR FRIENDS IN FLAT B ANSWER THEIR DOOR ANY QUICKER, YOU FUCKING MORON.
I’d like to punch Karl on my Facebook this morning for being a transphobic smegma speck and hunting out transgender-related posts just so that he can deliberately refer to people by the wrong pronouns.
I think screaming kids should be banned from all public places but we don’t all get what we want, Sharon.
Mate, you are NOT God’s gift to women. I know you think you are, but you’re not.
Sure, because stoners are renowned for kicking off and being violent.
I should’ve written 3,000 words today. I just wanked all day. Ooops.
How on EARTH do some people manage to get laid as much as they do?!
Oh look, I’m still not pregnant.
You, sir, are a cunt.
Shocker. A guy who I predicted would be a deadbeat dad split with his partner+kid before its 2nd birthday and has ceased contact. (And he fucked up baaad.)
Why’s toxic dick so damn appealing tho?
Exactly how wrong is it that I think Peter Burke in White Collar is kinda hot?
I’m thinking about permanently stopping the top lip de-fuzz. Wax/threading/cream, it doesn’t matter, it ALWAYS burns my skin. By the time the redness & actual scabs have fucked off, it’s time to de-fuzz & start again. I’m either Tom Selleck or scabby.
I’m so high right now that I’m actually starting to enjoy socialising with real life people.
Brad Pitt is so overrated.
Why do I only see tubs of Twiglets at Christmas? I want those delicious snacks all year round.
Is it even possible to wear a vest top to bed and not wake up with your boobs unflatteringly flopped out?
My neighbours are having sex right now. She has definitely faked it at least twice.
Yo, if you turn every DM into sex chat, you don’t get to be upset with me when I don’t respond.
Menstrual cups … anyone tried them? What do you think?
Peeps, would a complete lack of sex in a relationship make you leave?
Mood: watching Forensic Files over and over again so I can plan a murder with no mistakes.
I almost had sex today, folks. Almost.
Why do people ask such ridiculous fucking questions on Facebook? FACEBOOK ISN’T GOOGLE, KAREN. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TIME THE BAKERY DOWN THE ROAD FROM YOU CLOSES.
I felt this tweet so fucking much.
*I wish I remembered what this quote-tweet (I’m assuming?) was about.
It’s been such a long time since I last had sex that I’ve started getting really adventurous with my wanking techniques.
How do toxic men seem to know *exactly* when you’re at your weakest?
Of all the things I thought I’d be doing in 2019, teaching my boyfriend how to use a suppository was not one of them.
Bitches are testing my patience today, I tell ya.
Can you still say cunt on Twitter? CUNT, CUNT, CUNT.
Don’t mind me, I’m just off to make some bad decisions.
A gal pal of mine has just started posting endless motivational, love-yourself, fuck-him quotes on Facebook so the breakup is pretty obvious despite the “I’ll DM you, hun” she’s throwing out there in response to “U OK?” in the comments.
What’s the point in us following each other if you’re just going to ignore me every time I interact with you?
Facebook friend requests from boys I’ve fucked and thrown away for being tossers make me both smug and angry in equal measures.
Current mood: wearing hot as fuck lingerie under my jeans + t-shirt to improve the wank I’ve planned for later.
Why is dating twitter so bitchy these days? What’s going on?
What do you do when you have a crush that won’t go away? Asking for a friend …
I deliberately ‘like’ shitty subtweets that I think are about me just to fuck up whoever shared them.
From my calculations, I reckon I’ve got at least 5 hate-followers.
Him: I cancelled my plans today. I thought we could spend the day together.
Me: Really? I’ve ordered new sex toys and I’d quite like to play with them. Kindly fuck off if you’re not planning on joining in.
Isn’t it annoying how you never get dick pics from folk whose dicks you actually want to see?
I’m bitchy a lot, huh? I should probably work on that. I want to know what’s sitting in your Twitter drafts now … ?