I Win: A Letter To My Future Self

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I Win

Because I Can’t Write a Novel – Day 16: I Win

I’m probably not going to post this up on the blog right away which I know sounds ridiculous but I’m writing myself a letter for the future. I’m going to file it away somewhere and next time I have a bad breakup, hopefully I’ll remember to come back to this and read it. Either that or I’ll meet my happy ever after and I’ll never need to read it again. Here’s hopin’

I want to tell myself that I made the RIGHT decisions. I did. Today, the 28th of June 2016 at 10:57am, I stalked Jock. A few days ago I heard some news through the grapevine. He had broken up with his fiancee. He was now single. Dum dum dummmmmm.

After taking a few moments to process that information, I realised it was okay. I was okay. I didn’t cry. I didn’t jump for joy. I wasn’t really that bothered. I actually forgot about it for a full three days before being left to my own devices on a Tuesday afternoon. It popped right back into my head again. I decided to stalk him. It could have been a dangerous move but it wasn’t.

I clicked on his friends list. The fiancee had disappeared. Bizarrely, so had the ex WE had all those dramas with all those years ago. He has been friends with both of these girls for the last two years. The last time I had a cheeky little stalk / gossip with the friend [who tells me everything I don’t need to hear] was about three months ago. Maybe even four. And before that it may have been even longer. I don’t need to stalk him. I don’t need to have a cheeky look to see if his life has spectacularly fallen apart yet. I don’t really care that much which is odd because I thought I’d always care.

But when I looked I saw that both girls had gone – the fiancee and the ex that fucked our relationship up, and I couldn’t help but smile to myself. I WAS right. She WAS always going to fuck up every relationship he had. It had nothing to do with me. It probably had nothing to do with his fiancee (well, ex-fiancee now) either. His ex before me was just a crazy bitch. I take great comfort in the fact that I now know I made all the right decisions. She would ALWAYS have been a burden on our relationship. She would NEVER have left us alone. And she STILL IS ruining all of his future relationships just as I always told him she would do. I was right. I was totally fucking right. I love that feeling.

I Win

Wait, I’m not done being right yet. Whilst on my stalker frenzy, I noticed something else too. I stalked Brown Eyes and I noticed that he also wasn’t friends with his ‘new girlfriend’ any more. She’s still on Facebook, she’s just not friends with him any longer. I find that hilarious seeing as just a few weeks ago, they were very publicly ‘in a relationship’. I saw that one with my own eyes. I saw that status change, and I saw her name. No whispering through the grapevine needed here.

Once again, I was right wasn’t I? I was right to leave him when I did because I meant nothing to him. I was another girl in a long line of girls who fell for him and his stupid bullshit lines. He clearly did the same thing with his new girlfriend as he did with me. They were friends, they weren’t friends, they were in a relationship, he blocked her… It’s exactly the same pattern. Exactly the same as mine, and probably exactly the same as most of the girls he’d dated before me. The guy is a crackpot. It’s a shame because he found a really good girl in me, a good girl who really cared for him, loved him, and I’m sure the same could be said for those before, and those after me too. If you let all the good girls pass you by, eventually you’re going to be left with the shit. Maybe that’s what he needs – a really shitty girl to treat him badly and make him realise the error of his ways. Men like that never learn the error of their ways though – both of them treated me badly and expected me to keep apologising for their mistakes. And with both of them I learned. The hard way admittedly, but I still learned. I left them. I blocked them. I got over them … in the end. Jock means very little to me now. I have totally erased Brown Eyes from my life. I’m pretending that fuck-up didn’t exist. I’m fine. I’m a single pringle and I’m ready to mingle. And mingling is just what I’m doing. I’m going out on dates, I’m living my life, I’m having a whale of a time. I went on holiday. I bought new shoes. I have nothing to be sad for or about. Not really. These men will continue to go through these heartaches, never learning the hard way like I had to. I’m sat here with my coffee, doing a job I love more than life itself, grinning to myself because I feel good, I don’t have a boss to answer to, I’m listening to music that makes me happy, my bank balance isn’t that depressing, and I’m free of men who would definitely have dragged me down with their spirals of self-destruction.

I’m legit giving myself a pat on the back right now. I’m right. Eventually I get there. I do learn. Nothing changes. They won’t change. They will never change.

I win. 

I Win

  • Expected word count: 28,339
  • Word count today: 991
  • Word count to date: 22,817 (Well … I’m massively behind!)

Find the rest of the ‘Because I Can’t Write a Novel’ story here.

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