Guess who I stalked today. In fact, I’ll save you the bother of guessing. I stalked him. HIM. Brown Eyes. Just a lil look. I’m not really sure why I did it either. Boredom, I think? It certainly wasn’t out of serious interest. Bear was napping and I was just sat there working. I got bored, made a cuppa, and checked my NSSITC phone.
If you’re wondering why I’m so social media silent these days, it’s because I keep losing my damn phone. Also: it’s an iPhone 6S so you know the bastard is going to run out of life soon. I’ve had it a couple of years. It’s misbehaving terribly. It keeps turning itself off. When it’s turned off, I don’t hear my notifications. When I don’t hear my notifications, I don’t pick up the phone. I literally only use it for Twitter, Instagram, and the Facebook account for this page, so it’s left entirely separate from everything else to do with my life. Not because I don’t like you lovely folk, of course, but just because my Dad doesn’t need to know that I once accidentally shit the bed a bit during sex.
(And, just to make life super fun, I’m not going to add the links to that post, so if you want to read it, you’ll need to go huntin’ for it. It’s too cringe-worthy for me to want to share it again.)
When everything was connected to my actual, personal phone, I kept seeing people’s REAL Facebook accounts … BLOG PEOPLE! I freaked out that someone was gonna find me too. Now, everything is kept separate from NSSITC, and NSSITC is kept absolutely separate from everything else.
Anyway, I know what you’re all thinking. Why did you stalk him?
He popped into my head for a moment. I’d been watching some Benefits Britain-style show and there was a dude on there who looked exactly like him. (HA!) As I sat and sipped my tea, I grabbed my phone and headed on over to Instagram. Just to have a little peek, you know?
LOLZ. I’m so glad I did. I needed some light entertainment. I’m not sure what the fuck is going on with his hair, but he appears to have grown curtains. I’m not sure if this is, like, a genuine look he’s going for, or if it’s a growing-out phase, but wow … I’m glad we’re not dating anymore, let’s put it that way.
(I do appreciate that putting down his physical appearance isn’t big or clever, but it makes me feel good. The guy is a whack-job.)
I hadn’t thought about him for the longest time. He doesn’t even enter my mind now. It’s funny because, not that long ago, he consumed my every thought. Oh, how the memory of someone fades fast. Bear has probably helped with that. We’ve had our ups and downs, as you well know, but there’s no way we’re not made for each other. If we split up, I’m giving up on love entirely.
I can’t remember what I saw in him now, or why I was so scared of him. Brown Eyes, I mean. And I was scared of him too. After the last spate of nasty, spiteful, and then love-filled emails, the thought of him sent a shiver down my spine. I was convinced I’d become a local horror story — girl killed by crazed ex-boyfriend in Asda. He had that way about him. Like, he was totally a maniac but I got out just in time. He’s probably not. He’s just a dickhead that I fell too hard for. I put him up there on that pedestal, didn’t I? He was just another unemployed guy with mental health concerns, who refused to get any help to sort them out. It’s funny; I saw a comment left on an Insta-snap from a little while ago. A girl asked him why he was single. His response was that he was sorting himself out for the perfect person, or something like that. The self-centred, narcissistic part of me wondered if it was about me. I wouldn’t care now. I would care if the fucker decided to pop up in my life again, considering himself “healed”. I totally wouldn’t put that past him.
He just faded away though. One day, I was scared he was going to turn up at my door. The next, he was just a long-ago memory. Once blocked on all social media accounts, business, personal, and otherwise, email address safely added to the ‘Spam’ list (where it belonged), he couldn’t have contacted me even if he’d wanted to. I wouldn’t have wanted to hear any more of what he had to say. I don’t even want an apology. I want and need nothing from that chap now.
Imagine if things had been different though … I was thinking about it the other night. Jock got in touch at the same time as Brown Eyes and I were making-up/breaking-up (read: here), and that was around the same time that Bear appeared on the scene too. I could have made totally different choices, and who knows where I might be now? I think I made the right decision. It’s been tough, don’t get me wrong. There have definitely been times where I wondered if it was all worth it, but Bear was definitely the right choice for me. I couldn’t think of anything worse than backtracking. If I’d done that, I wouldn’t be where I am now. If I’d chosen Brown Eyes, we’d probably still be making up and breaking up. In fact, I think it would have been worse than that. I think he had the potential to really hurt me. The alarm bells should have started ringing when he mentioned *those* accusations from past girlfriends, but I was foolish and ignored them. But, looking back over the way he was with me, the way he spoke to me, and the way he made me feel … I’ve been there before, except I was stupid enough to marry the daft prick back then. What we had – Brown Eyes and I – was the start of what would have ended up being an incredibly abusive relationship, and I don’t doubt that it would have verged on physical. It already did, didn’t it?
And Jock … Just imagine. In fact, don’t. We know need to imagine because we know what it will be like. He’ll still be working for that same shitty company, a dead-end job, and I’ll still be paying all the bills. I don’t know where he’s living now, but it wouldn’t surprise me if his position was the same, if not worse, than it was when we dated. I actually can’t believe I was stupid enough to give that guy as much of my life as I did. Two years of dating, plus two years of serial-relationship-mourning. I was pathetic. For what? For some old man who would never have made me happy?
I’m glad I went for the unknown — the stupid choice in many eyes, I’m sure.
For the record, just in case you’re wondering how my life (and love life) is going, I’m about to get divorced. (From the Hubby, obviously, not from Bear.) I’m actually going to do it. I’m not going to split the money or argue about any of that shit. I’m not even going to bother contacting him. I’m sure I can find an address for him without needing to get in touch with him at all. One of his parents should be relatively easy to trace. I’m quite good at that. It’s been a long time. Too long. I can’t believe we’re still married. In my head, we got divorced a very long time ago.
Why am I getting divorced? Because Bear’s saving for a ring. We discussed it, like adults, like you’re meant to. We’d be engaged already if I wasn’t still married and he had some cash spare. Well, quite a lot of cash spare. I’ve seen a range of rings that I love. All dirty-diamonds. Every time I see them on Instagram, I send the images to Bear. You know, just in case he needs any more reminding that he’s got a time limit. I waited two years for Jock to put that ring on my finger, and I’m not waiting two years this time around. It’s been 14 months. He knows my terms. He’s agreed to them. He’s my other person and I’m keeping him.
There’s some other stuff I want to talk about too, but I’m going to save that for another blog post. I can’t really believe I just added that like an overthought, to the end of a pointless blog post about exes. About Brown Eyes! Hey, I gotta get back into the blogging rhythm somehow. This shit’s on my mind.
I’m definitely over two exes that I didn’t think I’d ever get over. I’m kinda halfway to being engaged. Ish. I’m definitely going to get divorced soon.
Shiiiiiiit. It’s like an episode of Eastenders in here!
Oh, and for the record, curtains are not making a comeback. Please don’t ANYONE try to make that a thing.
P.S. I’m kidding about not sharing the blog post. Here’s where I shit the bed > Anal Sex – What’s the deal?