Dear Brown Eyes,
This post is dedicated to you. It’s also written to you. Seeing as you’re reading anyway, you might as well hear exactly what I think about you. Hey, you wanted to get inside my head. You went looking for it. Here it is buddy, black and white, happy reading!
(Or were you hoping I didn’t know?)
Any emotional attachment I had to you, any feeling of love I felt for you, disappeared today when I learned about your new girlfriend. At that moment I realised everything we had was fake. Total bullshit. You never loved me, nor did you mean the words you said to me. I fell for that shit but this morning, when I saw her name, I laughed and for the first time in four weeks, I was 100% sure of my decision to block you and keep you blocked. You are the wrong guy for me. You’re just a wrong’un. If you think your behaviour is normal, you’re deluded. Or you’re the sociopath everyone told me you were. I bet that hurt to read eh?
I wonder if the new tattoo is for her benefit? Oh, and don’t even get me started on the new tattoo. Really, seriously, don’t even get me started. Why would you even …? In fact, don’t answer that. I literally don’t care. It’s laughable. It’s all laughable. You’re laughable.
While we’re on the subject of tattoos, I should have listened to everyone after the first one when they told me you were nuts. Or when you were telling me you loved me after just a few days. Or when you were nudging towards the idea of me moving in with you after a couple of weeks. Perhaps I should have listened after that incident in the kitchen. You know, the one you YOURSELF described as ‘a bit rapey’. Your behaviour, your want / need to have complete control, is frightening. I hope you’ve read every word I’ve written and really taken them on board. I hope you change your patterns for the next girl. Sadly I don’t see it happening because you can’t see that you did anything wrong. And to be honest, I don’t really care anymore. I don’t care about you, what you think about me, what you say about me … It’s a good feeling. Thanks for giving me that feeling. I appreciate it! It’s been a long-ass four weeks.
You don’t think your behaviour was irrational or crazily impulsive. I can though. I can now anyway, I couldn’t at the time. I know I had a lucky escape and the reason I know that is because you’re carrying on the same patterns with this new girl. The friend / unfriend cycle has already started, hasn’t it? You would have always been like that with me and you’ll be the same with her. Nothing would ever have been enough. I would never have loved you enough. You wanted more and more and more. You wanted everything – complete control. Sadly, I’m not the kind of girl you can control. I got away. Does that piss you off? That you couldn’t control me? I’m fucked up in more than a few ways but I’m still sane enough to know that you are 50 shades of batshit crazy I wouldn’t ever have gotten away from unscathed.
If you can fall in love and out of love so quickly, moving onto the next so fast, you’re not any kind of man I’d want to have in my life. Just like your moods – hot and cold, up and down, crazy and sane. One minute you’re the most charming gentleman on the planet and the next you’re spitting venom at me, telling me to get out of your house, calling me a cunt … Even when I was scared, and told you I was scared, you carried on. Even when I was crying because of YOUR words, you left me to it. And what makes things even worse is even after you knew how much you’d hurt me, even after you’d read this blog and knew how much I really cared about you, you still couldn’t come forward and apologise for your actions. That’s what regular people do when they’re in the wrong – they apologise, admit they made a mistake and move on from it hopefully never to make the same mistake again. When you made a mistake, it was never your problem. You never apologised. You never would have done. Everything would always have been my fault, just like everything will always be your new girlfriend’s fault. You’ll never see how YOUR actions were wrong. How YOUR actions caused our breakup. How YOU created these situations.
And as for reading my blog … You know my views on that. Your actions after this breakup have reinstated my views that we were definitely not compatible. I’m looking for so much more from my man than this superficial fluff. If you can move on so quickly, if you can be Facebook-status-sure of her already, you never loved me and I got out in the nick of time. If you can ignore a ‘no’, or go looking and then read what is basically my diary, or forget someone you ‘loved’ so quick … You’re not for me. I’m looking for a real man, one who actually knows what love is. Who knows the meaning of the word respect.
It’s been a fun ride dude but your crazy is in a completely different league to my crazy. I would never have behaved in such a childish and disrespectful manner. I didn’t either. I’m quite proud to walk away from this with my head held high. Another lesson learned. But will you learn yours?
I’m glad to be closing the chapter of Brown Eyes. You’ve been a nightmare. I’ve safely uploaded your photos to your own little folder next to all the other mistakes I’ve made and these are the last words I’ll write about you. Today I realised you are definitely not worthy of my time, my thoughts, my words, or any tiny fragment of my heart. Good luck to your new girl. She’s going to need it!
P.S. Thanks for the closure. Keep reading all you like. I hope you enjoy it 🙂