Tag: fail

Life Mental Health 

The Day My Moisturiser Tried to Kill Me

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Let’s talk about bees. The black and yellow fuzzy kind. The ones that are lovely and need to be protected at all costs and definitely not killed because there will be no coffee and chocolate without them. (Or so I read.) – ??? – I’m deathly afraid of bees. And wasps. And anything that looks remotely like it could be a bee or a wasp. (I panic about regular flies an embarrassing amount.) I’ve jumped off balconies to get away from bees and wasps, ran into walls trying to flee…

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Dating Jock My Mr. Grey Sex True Tales 

Guess Who’s Back, Back Again

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Guys, I’ve got to talk about something that’s happened. My Mr. Grey and I have been texting … and it’s not all been clean and above board, if you know what I mean. I know, I know, what the fuck am I doing? I have a lovely new boyfriend now — and he really is lovely, isn’t he? He’s making me happy, keeping me sexually satisfied (for the most part), and not fucking things up in a truly catastrophic way. Yet. So, what the fuck am I doing indulging in…

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Dating Jock 

Can You Keep It Down, Please?

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Jock and I got into trouble with his roommates for having noisy sex the other day, so that was super fun. To be fair, we didn’t exactly get into trouble, but his [female] roommate did pull him to one side after waiting for me to leave the room, to ask him if there was a chance we could keep it down a bit when we started shagging later. That left him with the hilarious task of trying to convey the message to me — and he thought it was proper…

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Dating Jock Sex True Tales 

Love Puff

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So …. I did my first love puff with Jock. Queef. Vart. Fanny fart. Vaginal flatulence. Definition from Urban Dictionary Whatever it is you like to call it, I did it. That little expulsion of air from the vagina that makes life super hilarious and super embarrassing all at the same time. For fuck’s sake. It was mortifying. I know it shouldn’t be embarrassing; it’s just the human body’s natural reaction to sex sometimes, right? When something is pumping in and out of a tight spot for long enough, it’s…

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Dating Jock One Ball 

Today, I Woke Up Angry

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I was angry from the moment I woke up today. I have no idea why, I just was. Sleep had evaded me for much of the night, though I couldn’t pinpoint one specific reason for it, plus I think I’m starting to get a cold. With a big, black cloud hanging over from the second I opened my eyes, the rest of the day didn’t bode well … I got even angrier when I checked my bank balance after my morning cup of tea. One Ball is meant to send…

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Dating Jock Life Mental Health 

I’m Fucking Falling For You

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Fuck me, I don’t even know where to start updating you with everything. I’m about a week behind in blog posts, so I’ll try to keep things nice and easy to read along with … but I have so much to tell you! “I’m picking you up after work. Wear the cowboy boots and that dress again, please,” Jock text me. It thrilled me that he’d told me what to wear. It’s a little bit of a kink of mine, I think; a man telling me what to wear, how…

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Dating Jock One Ball 

Date Number Two: An Emotional Goodbye?

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One Ball read my fucking blog. Because of course he wasn’t going to let our breakup go by easy. I can’t work out if this is going to be a big fuck-you blog post to him, or a big bye-bye blog post to you lot. I’m battling two very different sides of myself right now. Let me tell you the story of what happened on my second date with Jock. Jock and I went shopping for our second date, stopped to have some coffees, and then he dropped me home…

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Dating One Ball Sex True Tales 

The Art of Blowjobs

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I have a very serious predicament, people. It’s a predicament that’s making me more frustrated than it should, but I’ve already tried to overlook it and ignore it and doing all of that just hasn’t worked. I can’t make One Ball cum in my mouth by giving him head. I’ve been trying for months, everything I/we could possibly think to try but still, nothing has worked. Nothing at all. And now it feels like it might be time for me to give up trying … at least for now. And…

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Big Love Dating My Mr. Grey One Ball 

1 Sleep to Go. Where am I?

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One Ball is turning up again tomorrow. I’m nowhere near as prepared and ready as I should be, and everything that I have tried to sort out has fallen apart. I’m starting to feel a little down, like life is deliberately trying to get me down. Or maybe I’m just being melodramatic? I went lingerie shopping so that I could treat One Ball to something new and cute, but I made the mistake of not trying on the bra before buying. Instead, I threw caution to the wind, bought the…

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Dating One Ball 

10 Things I Hate About You

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One Ball and I had a conversation that could have gone really badly. I watched 10 Things I Hate About You – which is a BRILLIANT film, by the way – and somehow, we ended up deciding to make a list of the 10 things we hated about each other. It was a dangerous conversation, to be honest, but honesty is the best policy, right? We promised to laugh it off, not be mean, and to learn and grow together afterwards, but it went just as uncomfortably as you might…

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