Welcome, friends, to the Table of Dating Contents, where you will find every person I’ve ever dated, fucked, almost-fucked, played with, and everything else in-between. From start to finish, I’ve detailed every single juicy, miserable, mad, good, and occasionally excellent sex and dating experience, I’ve ever had.
Why?
Well, why not?
The Table of Dating Contents
Please, allow me to introduce you to the cast of my sad, shocking, cringe-inducing, and soul-destroying dating history.
Let’s start right at the beginning…
Length: 10 months
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: dumb, dangerous, and daft.
Number 2
Goth Boy
Length: 10.5 months
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: kinky, fun, and heartbreaking.
Number 3
The Bad Memory
Length: one-night stand
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three (ish) words, I would say: probably non-consenual.
Number 4
The Actor
Length: 3-4 weeks
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three words, I would say: small, insignificant, and disappointing.
Number 4(a)
Mr. Velvet
Length: 2 weeks, max
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three words, I would say: boring, predictable, nothingness.
Number 4(b)
Phone Credit Guy
Length: depends who you ask?
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three words, I would say: what, the, fuck?
Number 5
Length: 1.5 years on/off
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: kinky, shocking, and serious.
Number 6 & 7
Garden Shed Guy + GF
Length: one-night stand [barely]
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three words, I would say: unsatisfying, jealous, and disappointing.
Number 11
Lurch
Length: one-night stand
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three words, I would say: possibly, didn’t, happen.
Number 12
Hot High School Kid
Length: one-night stand
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three (ish) words, I would say: Ferrari, vomit, Red Aftershock.
Number 13
High School Bully
Length: one-night stand
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three words, I would say: revenge, awkward, and Baileys.
Number 14
Hip High School Kid
Length: one-night stand
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three words, I would say: disappointing, awkward, epiphany.
Number 15
The Lapdog
Length: it’s complicated.
If I had to describe this relationship in three (ish) words, I would say: mismatched, never-ending, and sex.
Number 16
My Mr. Grey
Length: FWBs, 10 years+
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three (ish) words, I would say: kinky, out-of-reach, and unforgettable.
Number 17
The Fireman's Sister
Length: one month
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three (ish) words, I would say: unexpected, firsts, and bisexuality.
Number 18
The Girl I Can't Forget
Length: one weekend (but it’s complicated)
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three words, I would say: long, time, coming.
Number 23
The Virgin
Length: one-night stand
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three words, I would say: hickeys, for, days.
Number 43
The Guy I Couldn't Get Rid Of
Length: 5 months
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: stupid, smoky, and shitty.
Number 44
One Ball
Length: 9 months
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: lies, annoying, and forgettable.
Number 45
Jock
Length: 1 year 5 months
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: fun, redneck, and stagnant.
Number 49
Brown Eyes
Length: 4 months
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: punishing, smoky, and toxic.
The Year of No Dating apps
Length: 12 months (almost)
Featuring: Ms. London, Pizza Guy, Quantum, Mr. Five AM, my neighbour, and a guy that we shall call Rimmer.
Hinge Diaries
Length: ongoing
My first time *ever* using Hinge, documented in full. Featuring: a hedgehog, lots of weirdness, Axe Man, and a Giraffe.