Welcome, friends, to the Table of Dating Contents, where you will find every person I’ve ever dated, fucked, almost-fucked, played with, and everything else in-between. From start to finish, I’ve detailed every single juicy, miserable, mad, good, and occasionally excellent sex and dating experience, I’ve ever had.
Why?
Well, why not?
The Table of Dating Contents
Please, allow me to introduce you to the cast of my sad, shocking, cringe-inducing, and soul-destroying dating history.
Let’s start right at the beginning…
Length: 10 months
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: dumb, dangerous, and daft.
Number 2
Goth Boy
Length: 10.5 months
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: kinky, fun, and heartbreaking.
Number 3
The Bad Memory
Length: one-night stand
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three (ish) words, I would say: probably non-consenual.
Number 4
The Actor
Length: 3-4 weeks
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three words, I would say: small, insignificant, and disappointing.
Number 5
Length: 1.5 years on/off
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: kinky, shocking, and serious.
Number 6 & 7
Garden Shed Guy + GF
Length: one-night stand [barely]
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three words, I would say: unsatisfying, jealous, and disappointing.
Number 8(a)
The Chef
Length: N/A
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three (ish) words, I would say: unsatisfying, big, and na-uh.
Number 43
The Guy I Couldn't Get Rid Of
Length: 5 months
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: stupid, smoky, and shitty.
Number 44
One Ball
Length: 9 months
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: lies, annoying, and forgettable.
Number 45
Jock
Length: 1 year 5 months
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: fun, redneck, and stagnant.
Number 49
Brown Eyes
Length: 4 months
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: punishing, smoky, and toxic.
Number 50(a)
Sambuca
Length: 11 months
If I had to describe this relationship in three words, I would say: distrusting, argumentative, and toxic..
Number 50(b)
Ms. London
Length: 1 date
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three (ish) words, I would say: confusing, wine-y, and disappointing.
Number 50(c)
Pizza Guy
Length: 1 date
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three (ish) words, I would say: friendly, friend-zoned, and chemistry-less.
Number 50(d)
Quantum
Length: N/A (a few months on/off)
If I had to describe this non-relationship in three (ish) words, I would say: fuckboi, cheating, and infuriating.
