Sex Fails
That Time I Was Accidentally Paid for Sex
Do you remember a time when a Jack Daniels and Coke cost £1.75 in a local pub? That’s the time we’re going back to in today’s sex fail blog post, and it’s not a story I’m particularly proud of… or maybe I am? Either way, I was accidentally paid for sex. Allow me to explain...
Number 14: Hip High School Kid
Once the HOT High School Kid and I parted ways, I did the next logical thing… I started flirting with his best friend, HIP High School Kid. We exchanged numbers but hadn’t used them. Bro code and all that; I was shagging his mate. Well, one shag...
Baileys & Revenge
After I’d moved into The Flat, I had a weird habit of getting drunk (and/or off my nut on other substances) and accidentally ending up at the front door of my childhood home. I have no idea why it kept happening, but it was a regular thing, even after my Mama and Pops split up.That happened on this night.I’d been out drinking with some friends,…
Number 12: Hot High School Kid
Number 12: Hot High School Kid (who I shall now call HHSK) had been in the year above me in sixth form, and I thought he was beautiful. I was into blondes back then, but he wasn’t tall and skinny like my first blonde, The Very First One; instead...
Number 11: Lurch (The Flat)
One weekend, a friend brought some other friends back to mine after the bar, and one of those friends was Lurch. He was a huge chap, just as wide as he was tall, and I remember thinking that he was really cool because he had a lip piercing. Not...
Number 10: Prison Micro Penis
and/or goodbye. “You can crash with me if you want?” Prison Micro Penis offered, and despite living literally fewer than twenty steps away, I, once again, said yes. Did it even go in? I actually, honestly don’t think it did. I wanted to ask. Somehow, even in my drunken state...
Number 9: The Gay Guy
If there was ever a story to put you off day smoking, this one is most definitely it. I have absolutely no idea how I met Number 9, The Gay Guy, who just appeared in my life one day, then we were flirting, then we were getting stoned together one summer afternoon.
That Time His Dick Scared Me
I thought it would be a good time to introduce you to The Chef properly. Not that there is much to introduce; he was but a fleeting moment in my life, for big reasons. Literally. His dick scared me. I’m not exaggerating.
The Foursome That Wasn’t (Numbers 6 & 7)
Once upon a time, The Fireman and I went through a period of constant arguments and breaking ups, so we decided, in true sensible style, to solve that problem by… having the foursome that wasn’t. I mean, it wasn’t a planned thing or anything like that, and, technically, it never actually happened. Maybe I should start at the beginning?
Sex Fail: That Time I Tried to Pee on My Boyfriend
“How are we going to do this? Shall I… squat on you?” I could barely get the words out; I was laughing so hard. As kinks go, it was proving to be more fucking hilarious than sexy, but we hadn’t gotten to the main attraction yet. It’s time for us to talk about that time I tried to pee on my boyfriend…