Sex Fails
Number 29: The Prison Warden
It started as a joke, then moved on to rules, and the next thing I knew, Whisky and I were scooting over so that The Prison Warden could get into my bed. Oh, to be a drunken fool again, eh?
That Time I Got a Cherry Stuck In My Vagina
Today, friends, I’d like to tell you about the time I got a cherry stuck in my vagina. It sounds bad (and it was,) but I started out with the very best of intentions… and, as always, things went slightly (completely) awry. Please, allow me to explain...
Number 23: The Virgin
I wasn’t heading anywhere in particular; I just walked until I didn’t want to walk anymore. And where did I find myself? That’s right: The Admiral. It’s where my crazy ‘virgin’ story started, and if it’s okay with you lot, I’d rather talk about it just the once, then never think about it ever...
Number 22: The Bus Driver
I’d been out drinking when I met The Bus Driver. I didn’t realise he was a bus driver, of course. Not that that kind of thing mattered… but it also did. The way he acted, presented himself, all of it – it made him seem much more mature and refined than he actually was...
Number 21: The OMG Guy
The deal was done. I invited two gal pals, and Bestie invited two bro friends. One of them was The OMG Guy, but he didn’t have that blog name yet. That would come later on in the night, once things had spiralled out of control into something that I still don’t quite believe was...
Number 19: The Boy On Pills
Bestie was more than concerned; well, when he wasn’t gloating. I couldn’t even argue with him. He was right. He was always right. But, in all honesty, I needed a break from him, too. And that’s how come I found myself bumping into The Boy On Pills...
Number 14: Hip High School Kid
Once the HOT High School Kid and I parted ways, I did the next logical thing… I started flirting with his best friend, HIP High School Kid. We exchanged numbers but hadn’t used them. Bro code and all that; I was shagging his mate. Well, one shag...
Baileys & Revenge
After I’d moved into The Flat, I had a weird habit of getting drunk (and/or off my nut on other substances) and accidentally ending up at the front door of my childhood home. I have no idea why it kept happening, but it was a regular thing, even after my Mama and Pops split up.That happened on this night.I’d been out drinking with some friends,…
Number 12: Hot High School Kid
Number 12: Hot High School Kid (who I shall now call HHSK) had been in the year above me in sixth form, and I thought he was beautiful. I was into blondes back then, but he wasn’t tall and skinny like my first blonde, The Very First One; instead...
Number 11: Lurch (The Flat)
One weekend, a friend brought some other friends back to mine after the bar, and one of those friends was Lurch. He was a huge chap, just as wide as he was tall, and I remember thinking that he was really cool because he had a lip piercing. Not...
Number 10: Prison Micro Penis
“You can crash with me if you want?” Prison Micro Penis offered, and despite living literally fewer than twenty steps away, I, once again, said yes. Did it even go in? I actually, honestly don’t think it did. I wanted to ask. Somehow, even in my drunken state...
Number 9: The Gay Guy
If there was ever a story to put you off day smoking, this one is most definitely it. I have absolutely no idea how I met Number 9, The Gay Guy, who just appeared in my life one day, then we were flirting, then we were getting stoned together one summer afternoon.
That Time His Dick Scared Me
I thought it would be a good time to introduce you to The Chef properly. Not that there is much to introduce; he was but a fleeting moment in my life, for big reasons. Literally. His dick scared me. I’m not exaggerating.
The Foursome That Wasn’t (Numbers 6 & 7)
Once upon a time, The Fireman and I went through a period of constant arguments and breaking ups, so we decided, in true sensible style, to solve that problem by… having the foursome that wasn’t. I mean, it wasn’t a planned thing or anything like that, and, technically, it never actually happened. Maybe I should start at the beginning?
Sex Fail: That Time I Tried to Pee on My Boyfriend
“How are we going to do this? Shall I… squat on you?” I could barely get the words out; I was laughing so hard. As kinks go, it was proving to be more fucking hilarious than sexy, but we hadn’t gotten to the main attraction yet. It’s time for us to talk about that time I tried to pee on my boyfriend…
That Time His Mum Walked In
The Fireman and I had planned a naughty night in. We were going to have the house to ourselves for the first time in a while, you see, and we wanted to make the absolute most of it. We thought we had everything covered… and we did… until his mum walked in.
The First Time I Did Anal
We’d never discussed the idea of anal. It had never even entered my head before. Goth Boy was only my second ever lover, so I was still getting to grips with my own sexuality – what I liked, didn’t like, etc. We’d messed around with some non-vanilla stuff, like spanking, scratching, tying up, blindfolding, and whatnot.
The Second Time
The Very First One and I obviously tried to have sex again after our very bloody and disastrous first attempt. You’ll be happy to learn that the second time went considerably better than the first… but, well, we picked up some weird little habits that I had to unlearn in other relationships, going forwards.
The First Time
The first time I had sex was a bloody nightmare… literally. If you’re on the squeamish side, you might want to skip this dating and sex blog post, because it literally involves injury to the dick. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
That Time I Wasn’t Ready
Soundtrack: There You Go by Pink.Today, I’d like to talk about that time I wasn't ready... also known as my first ever blowjob. It was every bit the failure that first-time sexual experiences tend to be, and it was bred from hours of laughing, kissing, and heavy petting in that way you do with your first ever partner.He’d drawn the curtains and closed the door,…
That Time I Was Accidentally Paid for Sex
Do you remember a time when a Jack Daniels and Coke cost £1.75 in a local pub? That’s the time we’re going back to in today’s sex fail blog post, and it’s not a story I’m particularly proud of… or maybe I am? Either way, I was accidentally paid for sex. Allow me to explain...
What To Do When You Accidentally Break His Penis
There’s nothing more annoying than spending three hours primping and preening yourself, getting ready for a good night of action after a few weeks away, only to get there and break your boyfriend’s penis. Oh yeah, I broke his penis. Friday afternoon, I went for a bikini wax.Someone New wanted me baby smooth so he would get me baby smooth. Friday evening, I realised the…
Love Puff
Friends, I have a tale of woe to tell you… It’s a tale of fun and frolicking… quickly followed by the motherfucker of all noises. Jock and I were happily doing our thing in the bedroom, and what came up? That’s right: the dreaded love puff. And let me tell you, it was fuckin’ loud.
I Can’t Make Him Come In My Mouth
I’ve got something of a predicament, friends. It’s quite the frustrating one; though, not an important one. I’ve tried to overlook it. I’ve also tried to combat it. Nothing is working. I can’t make him come in my mouth.And I fucking hate it. I Can’t Make Him Come In My Mouth We (One Ball and I) have been together for five or six months now,…
One Night of No Jizz
Yeah, so, One Ball didn’t come. No jizz. Nada. Not while he was fucking me, not while I was jerking him off… and, well, I’m not really sure what to do, think, or say about it. I think this might be exactly the sort of thing I should talk about on this dating and sex blog – so, let’s get straight to the one night…