Sex Fails
That Time I Was Accidentally Paid for Sex
Do you remember a time when a Jack Daniels and Coke cost £1.75 in a local pub? That’s the time we’re going back to in today’s sex fail blog post, and it’s not a story I’m particularly proud of… or maybe I am? Either way, I was accidentally paid for sex. Allow me to explain...
The Foursome That Wasn’t (Numbers 6 & 7)
Once upon a time, The Fireman and I went through a period of constant arguments and breaking ups, so we decided, in true sensible style, to solve that problem by… having the foursome that wasn’t. I mean, it wasn’t a planned thing or anything like that, and, technically, it never actually happened. Maybe I should start at the beginning?
Sex Fail: That Time I Tried to Pee on My Boyfriend
“How are we going to do this? Shall I… squat on you?” I could barely get the words out; I was laughing so hard. As kinks go, it was proving to be more fucking hilarious than sexy, but we hadn’t gotten to the main attraction yet. It’s time for us to talk about that time I tried to pee on my boyfriend…
That Time His Mum Walked In
The Fireman and I had planned a naughty night in. We were going to have the house to ourselves for the first time in a while, you see, and we wanted to make the absolute most of it. We thought we had everything covered… and we did… until his mum walked in.
The First Time I Did Anal
Goth Boy and I went to a house party one night. We’d had a few drinks, chatted with friends, danced a bit, and eventually went up to a bedroom to have some “alone time,” AKA hardcore making out on a bed that wasn’t ours, surrounded by a sea of other people’s coats, bags, and other personal belongings. It started out happily enough, lots of kissing,…
The Second Time
The Very First One and I obviously tried to have sex again after our very bloody and disastrous first attempt. You’ll be happy to learn that the second time went considerably better than the first… but, well, we picked up some weird little habits that I had to unlearn in other relationships, going forwards.
The First Time
The first time I had sex was a bloody nightmare… literally. If you’re on the squeamish side, you might want to skip this dating and sex blog post, because it literally involves injury to the dick. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
That Time I Wasn’t Ready
Today, I’d like to talk about that time I wasn't ready... also known as my first ever blowjob. It was every bit the failure that first-time sexual experiences tend to be, and it was bred from hours of laughing, kissing, and heavy petting in that way you do with your first ever partner.He’d drawn the curtains and closed the door, just as we always did…
What To Do When You Accidentally Break His Penis
There’s nothing more annoying than spending three hours primping and preening yourself, getting ready for a good night of action after a few weeks away, only to get there and break your boyfriend’s penis. Oh yeah, I broke his penis. Friday afternoon, I went for a bikini wax.Someone New wanted me baby smooth so he would get me baby smooth. Friday evening, I realised the…
I Can’t Make Him Come In My Mouth
I’ve got something of a predicament, friends. It’s quite the frustrating one; though, not an important one. I’ve tried to overlook it. I’ve also tried to combat it. Nothing is working. I can’t make him come in my mouth.And I fucking hate it. I Can’t Make Him Come In My Mouth We (One Ball and I) have been together for five or six months now,…