Once upon a time, The Fireman and I went through a period of constant arguments and breaking ups, so we decided, in true sensible style, to solve that problem by… having the foursome that wasn’t.
I mean, it wasn’t a planned thing or anything like that, and, technically, it never actually happened.
Maybe I should start at the beginning?
Soundtrack: Tiny Dancer – Elton John.
The Start of the Night
Fireman and I had gone out to a local pub, one of the quieter ones, so we could talk about spicing up our relationship. Not specifically spicing up but working out how to fix the things that were broken, which in turn had led to somewhat of a decline in our sex life. We still had sex more than most couples we knew, but still, it wasn’t the same as it used to be.
Surprisingly, we didn’t do a lot of talking after a few bottles of WKD Blue, two shots of tequila, and an entire bottle of rose wine. So much for a quiet night. (Standard.)
It didn’t take long for us to move on to another pub. There were six pubs within a two-minute walk of his house at one point. None of those six pubs exist now, which is a sad state of affairs if you ask me.
The next pub wasn’t as quiet, and we bumped into one of my old school friends. Let’s call her Sharon. She was with her boyfriend. (Now husband.) Let’s call him Barry. I introduced them to Fireman; she introduced us to Barry. Hello, hi, how are you, do you fancy a drink, blah blah blah.
Niceties out the way, we carried on drinking… and drinking… and drinking. We were still guzzling down drinks at closing time, so the landlady held a little afterhours session for us. Why wouldn’t she? We’d spent virtually our entire wages in there that night.
When it was finally time for her to call time, Fireman said something that I was entirely unprepared for: “Fancy coming back to ours?”
“Sure,” Sharon and Barry said in unison.
“Don’t we have people at our place?” I muttered, a rhetorical question to remind him.
“Oh, shit,” he said, rubbing his chin. “Ah, well. We’ve got a big enough garden.”
I frowned. “Garden???”
The Middle of the Night
It was too late to change anyone’s mind. The party train had rumbled into action and there was no stopping it. We stumbled and occasionally fell back to our house, then loudly walked through it into the garden, emptying the fridge of all its boozy contents and waking up our houseguests along the way.
We drank in the garden for an hour or so, enjoying the balmy summer temperature and clear night skies. There was a lot of laughter, a lot of piss-taking, and… a little flirting?! I thought I was imagining it until Sharon leaned over and kissed me.
“Let’s get this party started!” Barry laughed, toasting his drink.
I glanced over at Fireman, who was quite a jealous man by nature, but he was smiling at the sight of me kissing another woman. He nodded his approval, so I leaned back and kissed Sharon, properly this time.
“We can’t do this out here,” I whispered to everyone and no one at once.
“How about in there?” Fireman said, pointing to the brand-new shed that he’d just finished putting together.
It wasn’t exactly a shed-shed, for storing gardening tools and equipment; it was more of a smoking shed for his mother, to stop her from smelling the house out and/or having to stand in the rain. Whatever you wanted to call it, it was empty bar a couple of blankets that she’d thrown in there.
“I’m game,” Barry said.
“Fuck it,” Sharon said next.
I sighed. “Let’s go.”
So, we – all four of us – packed ourselves into the too-small garden/smoking shed, laying out the blankets on the floor before sitting on them. It was so cramped, too hot, and the absolute worst possible place to experiment with group sex.
“We should have a safe word,” Sharon said, clearly smarter than me.
“Eeyore,” Fireman offered, and everyone laughed in agreement.
Things progressed in a bit of a blur after that. Sharon and I were kissing. Barry was taking his clothes off. Fireman and Barry were kissing, which was a much hotter scenario than I ever could’ve imagined.
After a while, we switched. Fireman sat behind Sharon, caressing her breasts. Barry sat behind me, his hands sliding south as he kissed the back of my neck.
I groaned.
The Foursome That Wasn't
“NO. Eeyore. EEYORE,” Fireman shouted out. Everyone froze. “I can’t do this.”
I didn’t dare move with Barry’s fingers still mere millimetres away from my cunt, and I just watched as Fireman stood up, threw his jeans on, then stormed out of the shed.
Shit. He’s jealous.
I apologised to Barry and Sharon, stepped outside the shed as they (and I) redressed, then showed them to the road via the back alleyway. Who knew what Fireman might do next? I was actually a little frightened that he might hit Barry.
Once they were gone, I went looking for my on-off boyfriend. He’d tucked himself up in bed, the duvet over his head.
“Hey,” I said quietly. “Are you okay?”
“I can’t believe you let him do that to you,” was his response, still buried in the bed linen.
What the actual fuck? My irritation went from zero to one hundred in a fraction of a second. Hadn’t he just had his hands all over Sharon? Weren’t we both doing the thing he’d just accused me of?
“I don’t understand,” I said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I thought we were both having fun… we both wanted it.”
“You want to have sex with other men?” His head made an appearance and his face was furious.
There was no way for me to win the battle. It wouldn’t have mattered what I’d said, how I’d said it, what I’d done, or anything else; he’d have found a way to turn into a negative.
“I’m tired,” I told him, grabbing a blanket and heading downstairs. At least the sofa bed was free.
The Foursome Fallout
We didn’t talk for a few days after that. Five or six perhaps. Not one word. I was mad that he’d gotten mad at me, and he was mad because he’d incorrectly assumed I wanted to have sex with other men.
In hindsight, a little communication probably would’ve gone a long way, but this was only his first and my second ever relationship. We didn’t know how to conduct ourselves. We had no clue how to control the powerful emotions we felt, both positive and negative. It was just straight immaturity.
If our relationship was bad before the foursome that wasn’t, it was basically intolerable after that.
The next blog post in the dating timeline is this one: Midnight Picnic.
Thank you so much for reading my blog today! 🖤
Would you like to read all about The Fireman’s story, right from the very beginning? You’ll find that right here.
You can also read all about my disastrous dating history, right from the beginning, right here: Table of Dating Contents.
Alternatively, why not have a little peek around here:
