Nakedly Tangled …

Soooo, what’s been happening with you guys? Actually, don’t tell me yet. I’ve got so much stuff to tell you. I’m now well and truly smitten with Someone New even though we haven’t actually met yet, and I think I might need a little help coming back down to earth.

We’ve Facetimed and spoken for HOURS on the phone. We text literally from the second we wake up to the second we go to bed. We’ve discussed everything, anything you could think of. Movies, music, food, family, work, sex, past loves, you name it, we’ve talked about it. There’s not one thing I’m uncomfortable talking to him about. My fingers get carried away during our conversations and everything in my head comes pouring out of me in message form. We seem to have so many connections that neither of us can believe it’s true. So it’s gotta be too good to be true … hasn’t it?

I’m trying to be positive. I’m trying to avoid figuring out what will destroy us later on before we’ve even gotten started. Sometimes my head can’t help it, though. I guess I’ve been so disappointed by the men of my past I’m already doubting what could end up being the man of my future. And trust me, he’s already made it pretty clear that all of his eggs are in my basket. In fact, I think that might be our downfall: this is moving waaaaay too fast already. He says he can’t help it and it’s the way he feels about me, but part of me can’t help but wonder: how many other girls has he said that to before? How many other girls has he fallen in love with at the drop of a hat? We know that’s my downfall also, but if it’s his too, we have ourselves a recipe for disaster. Don’t we??

I keep having a sneaky peek on his profile on Plenty of Fish to see if he’s been online, but he never is. He told me he’d deleted the app because he’s found me and doesn’t need anything or anyone else. Could it really be the case that he’s actually telling me the truth? Jock said the same thing to me and I believed him … and then he ended up having two profiles on there. But we shouldn’t jump to conclusions; I don’t know how long they were active for.

Part of me thinks I could be embarking on something new far too soon after Jock, but I can’t seem to help myself. I don’t even think I want to help myself. I want to be happy with someone. I want to be curled up with someone on the couch at night. I want to wake up nakedly tangled up in someone else’s limbs. I want to be nakedly tangled up in my Someone New’s limbs. I’m no longer bothered about Jock or the sexual control he once had over me. The feeling of true sadness I had when I came to the realisation I’d never get to ride his dick again has now been replaced with a new feeling: an excited one. The kind of nervous excitement that comes hand-in-hand with going to bed with someone shiny and new for the very first time. Butterflies, giggles, the occasional squeal.

Although I’m nervous as hell about jumping in with Someone New, I just can’t help myself. The smile that creeps across my face when he messages me, I’m not doing that … he is. It’s out of my control. I can’t do a damn thing about it. We have so much in common and share so many of the same views. I know I’ll be the wild ride he needs and he’ll be the sensible Prince Charming that ensures I don’t stray too far from reality. It is as if I can already see us together in my head. Is this just part of my breakup process? When I look back at all the past loves in my life, there is normally another one lined up before I finally jump ship, and if there’s not, it’s not long before I’ve got my claws into someone else.

It started with Number 2 (The Tie-Me-Up Guy). I cheated on him with Number 4 (The Fireman) and then went on to have a long-term relationship with him. There wasn’t a massive gap between him and Number 24 (The Older Guy), and Number 27 (My Mr. Grey) popped up constantly throughout that time. Then there was Number 28 (The Hubby), and I only left him because I met Number 37 (Big Love), and then the next few short relationships were in quick succession, often overlapping — Number 43 (The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of), Number 44 (One Ball), and Number 45 (Jock). And Number 19 (The Lapdog) would pop up throughout all of that time, too. Number 45 came along on the very same day that Number 44 and I broke up.

It’s only been three months or so since Jock and I broke up … Is it too soon? I’ve asked it before but I’ll ask it again: how long does it take to get over someone? If it’s as I read and it really does take half the time you were with someone, to get over them, I have NINE MORE MONTHS of a breakup left — and fuck that. We were together for almost two years, 18 months. I’ve done four months of grieving so far. I really don’t want to have go another five months of misery … and I’m not sure Someone New will wait that long for me. He likes me, but does he like me that much?

Yesterday, he (Someone New) dropped the bombshell on me that he was off work today. I agreed to let him know if I could meet him, and although I had ZERO other plans, I couldn’t muster up the strength to get my game face on and head on out to meet him for the first time. We’d already made a plan for next Wednesday anyway. I’m prepared for that. I can handle that. I have a few days to get ready for that, you know? He shouldn’t have sprung the last-minute meeting on me, which I told him after I admitted I’d blown him out for no reason out of fear. We had a pretty deep heart to heart tonight. Maybe I should share some of it with you:

“I’ve been so guarded of what I think and feel and letting someone in for me is so difficult when I’ve been with people who’ve just wanted to throw that away. It’s hard and scary. I put myself on the spot yesterday and said about meeting cause I didn’t give myself time to think and wanted to just see you. Yes I think we have a massive connection, that also was big frightener for me cause to meet someone who think and feels some of the same things as me….. I was fairly certain that was gonna be a long while till that happened – and yeah I’d prepared for that. So this has been a massive curve ball. I want it to be a life changing one. I really do. I do know what you mean about relationships. Previous to ex with drink/drugs I was with someone who thought a relationship was an open relationship. That broke me. So yeah I could probably do the runaway child bit too. But I want this so badly. 10 minutes ago my heart was ready to come through my chest as I though oh fuck what’s happening? Is It off?!?! But no, I just get all panicky and dunno what to do lol. I want you. Really want you. I dunno how else to say it. I just want you. – I don’t wanna keep you in a cave, I would like us to be part of each other’s lives. What you’ve said about relationships and sex and stuff, it’s been so good to be open. I had a moment of thinking you must be a mate just winding me up. This cannot be happening and be this many connections. You’re not, you’re you. Someone fairly special as it stands. Wednesday can’t come round soon enough.”

Can you actually believe he said those things to me? I’ve known him for ten days, that’s it. He sent his first message to me on the 15th of January. I can’t believe I’m here again. I can’t believe I’m doing this again. I must be a fucking masochist.

So, yeah. What’s going on with you? 

Featured image by alejandraquiroz on Unsplash