It Wasn’t A Waste Of Time If You Learned Something

I read that quote somewhere and it seemed very pressing right now as I’m in the midst of yet another breakup.

It wasn’t a waste of time if you learned something.

So what did I learn? In my eight months with Someone New and the awful way that we broke up, what did I learn? Did I even learn anything at all? Is it too soon to tell?

I think I have learned some stuff so it wasn’t a complete waste of my time. I now know when something isn’t right, something isn’t right. Something wasn’t right with us from a very early point and I never trusted my instincts. Instead I put it down to not trying hard enough. I didn’t try hard enough but I didn’t want to try. Something wasn’t right. Something hadn’t clicked into place. It was never going to click into place.

I should have trusted my instincts right from the beginning about him. I don’t think he was a wrong’un but he was a wrong’un for me. He brought out the worst in me, especially at the end. He had too many women in his life and I got crazy jealous. It was evident from an early point that the other chicks were going to be a problem for me and just like other red flags, I ignored it. Even when I brought it up to him and asked him to stop doing it, the other women kept coming with a vengeance, thick and fast. I should have listened to my gut. I’m too much of a woman with too many personalities for there to be other women in my partner’s life as well. I’m an obsessive person. I’m a jealous person. I won’t act (outwardly) to my negative emotions, but I will seethe with anger if I feel I have been betrayed or made to fee jealous. Isn’t that part of human nature? Defending what you believe to be ‘yours’?

I am a fiercely loyal person and I will defend the people I love to the bitter end. However if you wrong me, that’s it. If this had been five years ago, we would have made up and broken up a hundred times or more before we eventually parted ways but I’m smarter than that now. I know that if we broke up, we broke up for a reason. Something wasn’t right. I’m not including Jock in this because our breakup was wrong and I still protest that we never should have broken up in the first place. But the other women in his life are never going to go away. There are going to be other occasions I’ll get mad about something he does with them. I wouldn’t expect him to cut them out of his life so I cut myself out of it instead. Isn’t that the smarter, sensible approach to take? Knowing that it would never work for that one fact alone, and cutting things short before it got too messy?

I do feel bad about the way we ended and I’ve written him letter after letter trying to explain what I didn’t say properly the angry, first time around. I won’t ever send them to him though. That would go against everything I’ve learned. My Facebook unfriend was a smart decision because he’s already fading from my mind. Yes, it hurts and of course I’m still pining for him but I’m already doing okay. I think I’m more sad about going through yet another breakup than I am breaking up with him. Does that even make sense?

As much as I don’t want to be single, I don’t want to be with the wrong guy either. Someone New wasn’t the right guy for me. He wasn’t a bad guy, he just wasn’t the right guy for me. I’m glad I realised that before I fell in love with him. I just hope I realised it in enough time to avoid breaking his heart too much. As much as I want to blame him for our parting of ways, wasn’t I just desperately seeking a ‘get out of jail free card’? Hadn’t I been looking for a reason to end us anyway? Now I’ve got it, I shouldn’t be mad at him or sad. I should be thankful. Thankful and grateful.

Thank you for showing me eight months in that you weren’t the right guy for me. I would rather know that now than eight years down the line. You know?

I’ve learned I should trust my gut instinct and I also can’t be in a relationship with a man who has too many other women in his life. I could deal with one or two. The amount that Someone New has is ridiculous. Not even my past is that chequered.

I’ve learned that once I’ve been disrespected or hurt and once that ‘trust barrier’ has been broken no matter how finely, it’s too late. I’ve been in too many bad relationships to give dumbass men second chances. I’ve learned my lesson and I’ve learned it the hard way. As much as I’d love to trust him, he already kinda betrayed me for doing what he did. In fact, there is no ‘kinda’ about it. He did betray me. He didn’t tell me. He deliberately put himself in that position. I don’t know for sure that something didn’t happen that night. I think I would rather not know and just forget about it. Not forget about him but just put it down to another lesson learned and remembering the happy times we had.

We did have some happy times. In bed, he was a fantastic lover and I could let him play with my body for hours. I think the most annoying factor about this breakup is the lack of breakup sex. I think that’s the thing frustrating me the most. I would have given anything to get my hands on his body one last time, making it a night both of us would remember. I wanted us to end things on a high – on a bang, if you like? I’m a little gutted I never got the chance to make that happen. In my head we would have met up, talked things over, ended up in bed and then I would have ended it anyway. What actually happened was that I ignored him for three days, ditched him for having dinner with a mate, ignored his texts and calls and then got increasingly more annoyed when he didn’t try even harder.

That’s another thing I’ve learned – I’m still a crazy fucking bitch.

But in all seriousness, I genuinely had some happy times with that man and I think if we had carried on our should-we / shouldn’t-we charade, eventually I would have fallen in love with him. I probably would have had the happy-ever-after with him, giving him the kids he might or might not want, knowing deep down it wasn’t right and probably having some dirty, illicit affair a few years down the line. Obviously I’d get caught because I’m super-shit at lying. I’m glad it’s happened now, like this. Even if it does fucking suck and my heart feels a little bruised.

I guess I did learn a few things. 

I guess it wasn’t a waste of time. 

I’m sorry Someone New. You’re not a bad guy at all. In fact, you’re an amazing guy. You’re just not the right guy for me.