I Can’t Let It Go

Right, I need to talk about it. I need to talk about this whole Director situation. I can’t make sense of it and I need to. Soon.

There are two sides to every story. His side was apparently a little different to mine. When we discussed the reasoning behind me giving him the boot, for every factor I gave him, he had a rebuttal. One that made sense too, not just some bullshit excuse because he’s full of it. Being able to talk to him, face to face, it made life both easier and harder. I could see him when he was talking to me. I realised I may have hurt him a little more than I gave him credit for. It would seem that a lot of what happened between us was down to bullshit communication skills, something ridiculous for a girl with so many words and a guy who trains people for a living.

I decided to write down his side of the story. Not only because I know you think I’m stupid for slipping into bed with him again in the first place, but also because I think I’ve discovered something about myself that I didn’t know before. Or maybe I did know and just didn’t want to see?

I played it way too cool. I always play it way too cool. I’m too cool. 

The reason I know he’s not bullshitting about that is I have since discussed it at some length with Someone New who also agreed. I never answer the phone, I’m never seemingly excited to make plans with the other person, I’m totally not-bothered about the whole thing (even when I am). It looks, to the man I’m trying to win over, like I’m not really fussed whether we hang out or not and apparently, that’s not very attractive.

I don’t keep dates. I’m always late. Hours late in many cases. It’s always for some bullshit reason or work. Sometimes because I couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed on time.

Of course he’d play it cool too. Of course he’d look like he didn’t give a shit because to him, and to the other men I’ve done it to, it looks like I didn’t give a shit. Someone New repeatedly told me throughout our eight-month dalliance that he never knew where he stood. The Director said the same thing again, repeatedly. It comes across like I’m really not that bothered. I’m trying so hard to look cool, I’m playing it so cool I’m basically a block of ice.

I don’t understand why I do that and, after reading back through the WhatsApp and message threads of past men I’ve dated and lost, I see a continually emerging pattern. I don’t reply to text messages for hours on end. I don’t ever answer a phone call. I even did that with Jock too… Clearly I need to evaluate my entire dating strategy. I’m doing this totally wrong. I’m trying so hard to find that fine line between between a cool girl and being a crazy girl, I’ve gone past the line. I’ve gone from the crazy, neurotic bitch who was so paranoid her boyfriend / partner / husband would cheat on her, beat her, spend her money, take too many drugs, say horrible things, to what…? A chick who makes her dates feel like she just couldn’t give a shit.

There’s more too. I accused of him of making me his Friday night booty call when in actual fact, I made him my Friday night booty call. Just like I did the other night, I guess. I knew what would happen if I wore that teeny-tiny thong even if I didn’t think about it when I put it on. I knew what would happen if I suggested going to the pub. I knew what would happen if we brought alcohol into the mix. From the second the ‘meeting’ was arranged, I knew I’d end up in his bed. I may have pretended otherwise but I knew it and I used it to my advantage. He was my Wednesday night booty call. I made him that.

Going back to the other Friday nights and it was literally the only night of the week I would give him. He tried and failed to make a number of other dates, and conversations too that for that matter, each one not answered, forgotten about, or responded with “We’ll see”, which clearly means it’s not gonna happen.

I felt stupid when I told him the reasons I gave him the boot, and humiliated. Not because of what he was saying but because I could see things clicking into place. At the beginning, when we first started doing our thing, he was very attentive. He couldn’t do enough for me. Arguments and ‘flanter’ aside, he was every bit as attentive as I would have wanted him to be. He text me in the mornings and at night, he responded right away, we made dates, we had fun, we were good. Great.

But then it changed and I think it was me that changed, not him. My head was so consumed with thoughts of Jock and The Dom, cancer, babies, work, everything… He never stood a chance really. Those things he said I did – all the ignoring, blowing out, being distant, I did all of those things. As much as I want to believe the people who say he’s trying to manipulate me, I really did do all of those things and he’s not the first man to complain about it.

When I look back at all the reasons I was so pissed at him, I realise they were all bullshit. Because he didn’t respond to me right away or because he was always busy? Because he had an opinion? Because he was upset that I would have given him up without a second thought if a better opportunity came along? I really did say to that to him and at the time, I thought it was fine. I’d been saying and doing those things to him for weeks. It’s no wonder he decided to give me a taste of my own medicine. I did the same to him at the end. I complained that I couldn’t ‘read’ him when in actual fact, he gave me all the signs I wanted to see. He sent me messages, he did tried to start conversations, he did ask what I was up to. He offered to pick me up every time I saw him and he dropped me home every time too. He always made sure there were supplies for me at his and occasionally, he even gave me cute gifts. We’d only been dating a while so it was only once or twice but he did do those things. It’s funny how I didn’t remember those while I was bitching about him.

He WAS doing everything I said I wanted him to do… Until I literally stopped responding to him. I discussed this with Bestie and as much as he doesn’t like The Director, even he admitted that the guy had a point. I was a bit of a dick. He was a bit of a dick too and he admitted as such but honestly, it really is time I took some responsibility for shit here. Not just with him. My best laid plans always go awry and I always end up hurting someone or pissing someone off even if I didn’t mean to.

And to make matters worse, I was doing what I was doing with The Dom too. I’m the biggest fucking hypocrite of them all. I was accusing The Director of having a line-up of other women, especially with the Facebook-friend-additions, but when I asked him about them, he had genuine responses every time. He even showed me evidence to back up his stories when I called him out on what I thought was bullshit – girls he’d added who had boyfriends and really were just friends. And all that time, I was having phone-sex with a guy I hadn’t even met yet. What a hypocrite.

I know I’m a complete cock when it comes to men and I also know I make some very terrible decisions. But I don’t think The Director is a bad man. I don’t think he’s completely innocent in all this, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t blame him for acting the way he did. I would have done exactly the same. I DID do exactly the same.

And here lies the dilemma. I’m torn. You’re all going to tell me to walk away from this but I acted like an asshole to him. It’s all there in black and white – the proof is in the pudding or rather, the WhatsApp messages and call log at least. I was shitty, short-tempered and angry, and that’s when I even bothered to respond to him.

I just don’t understand why I would have acted like that with someone I really liked? Or why I keep acting like that with men I think I really like? I did the same with Someone New. I definitely did the same with Jock. Have I always been so distant? Because I never would have classed myself as that.

Ugh. Clearly writing it down hasn’t helped at all.

I know he was a dick but I was an asshole. Who was really in the wrong? I can’t let it go…