Would You Want to Know Your Sexual Review?
Right at the beginning of our relationship-thing, One Ball and I exchanged secrets. He told me a secret. In return, I told him that I was an anonymous sex blogger. It probably wasn’t the wisest decision I’ve made this year, but I felt like I could trust him and it just kinda slipped out. He doesn’t bring it up, he hasn’t brought it up since our chat, and he won’t go looking for it (or so he says).
Until tonight.
As a joke, apparently to gauge my reaction, One Ball told me that he’d found my blog. I lost my absolute shit, because of course I did. I would be absolutely devastated if a potential love interest ever read the words I’d put down here. It’s too raw to share, too emotional, too candid. That’s why I don’t want to put my name to it. I’ve shared my entire sex life, every person I’ve ever fucked, a literal list of everyone in my sexual and dating history. Since starting the blog, I’ve half-reviewed every sexual experience I’ve had. I didn’t mean to do that. It just happened as a result of me sharing my thoughts. But would I want One Ball to find out that I didn’t actually like the way he kissed me all of the time? No, of course I wouldn’t. He doesn’t need to know that his kisses were too sloppy at the start but I’m finally teaching him the ways I like. Just like The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of doesn’t need to know that I couldn’t stand the way that he kissed me, either. And that he had no actual rhythm between the sheets.
I wouldn’t want Big Love to know just how much he hurt me, or how long I ended up pining for him. I certainly wouldn’t want him to find out that he was probably one of the best lovers I ever had. Or how much I really stalked his Facebook page. Or how much I wished all of his relationships would fail and he’d come running back to me with his tail between his legs. I would be mortified if he knew any of that, just like I’d be mortified if any of the people I’d spoken about here found out. That’s why I’m choosing to stay anonymous … as best I can.
I was almost outed at work not so long ago. During a quiet period, I used my phone to check my stats, and a work colleague peeked over my shoulder.
“What’s NotSoSexintheCity?” she asked.
“Oh, nothing. Just a blog I read when I get bored,” I responded, finding another website with a similar name and directing her to that one instead. The topic was soon forgotten about, and I breathed a sigh of relief. But it gave me a taste of how it might feel if someone came across it.
And how would I feel if anyone I actually knew found my blog? Completely heartbroken. I wouldn’t want to upset the people I’ve spoken badly about, and I certainly wouldn’t want some of the men to know just how high of a pedestal I put them on. And I definitely wouldn’t want someone to read a “review” of their/our experiences in bed. (Or out of it.)
I would rethink my entire sexual past if I got a bad “review”. There are some things that it’s just nicer not to see or know. As much as I hated The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of and the way he kissed me, I’d never want to say that to his face. I don’t think that makes me two-faced; I think it makes me compassionate. Putting down someone’s sexual performance does more than just denting their ego; it can destroy them.
Imagine re-thinking every time you ever slept with someone and wondering: “Did I do something wrong?”
I’m all for subtle hints, of course; there’s nothing better than grabbing a guy’s hair and directing his head – and therefore his tongue – when he’s going down on you. I don’t mind teaching the partner I’m with a trick or two if it helps me get to where I want to be. There are some things you just can’t change, though. Rather than saying something, I’d much rather just end things and find someone I’m more compatible with. I gave a bad kisser many months of my life thinking they’d eventually change their technique, and the change never actually came. Instead, I just kept finding reasons to avoid kissing him. I can’t have a relationship without kissing, because kissing is one of my favourite things to do, so a relationship without it just isn’t a relationship for me.
From the sexual reviews I’ve had (and keep having) I think I’m pretty good in bed. I’ve been told that my blowjobs are “the best”. I get carried away in the moment and I bite, scratch, moan, groan, grunt, writhe, wriggle, deep-throat, gag, spit, nibble, pay attention to the balls, swallow … all because those things turn me on, not necessarily for the satisfaction of my lover. I’m playful, experimental, and I like to try things at least once. How can I have an opinion on something if I’ve never actually tried it?
From what I can gather this makes me pretty good in bed. Willing to learn and try and explore. If someone were to turn around now and tell me that I sucked (and not in a good way), it would crush me. I’ve worked hard to perfect my technique. I’ve fucked enough people, so I should hope I’ve learned a trick or two along the way. I appreciate that everyone likes different things, but I’m pretty accommodating … and if almost everyone is giving me rave reviews, I must be doing something right, right?!
When we had our conversation about it, One Ball told me the thought of being able to read a genuine, honest review of his performance in bed would be too tempting to turn down. Despite wanting to respect my privacy, he wasn’t sure he could turn it down.
“So … you wouldn’t believe me if I told you you were good in bed, you’d need to read it in my blog to actually believe it?” I asked.
“I believe it when you said it, yes, but reading it on the screen would prove it. Like proper validation,” he replied.
I guess this brings me to my point:
Do you believe it when someone tells you they think you’re good in bed?
Or would you want to go hunting for validation in the form of a blog post, if there was one available, to make doubly sure?
I think I would be the same as One Ball: I believe the reviews, but if there was a blog post to tell me the real truth, I’d totally read it. The only problem is, I might not like what it says … and then what would I do?
What do you think?
Would you want to know your REAL sexual review?
Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤
If you’re in the market for something a lil’ spicier, why not check out one of my smutty favourites:
Only if it was good! Haha, it depends who it’s coming from too I think. If you get a bad review from someone you also thought was shit in bed then it wouldn’t hurt as much because you can ascribe it to incompatibility, but if it was from someone you really cared about and who you thought you had some amazing connection and experience with then I would be so devastated
This post really hits home for me. I recently started a sex blog, and I am trying as much as possible to keep it anonymous. My boyfriend and I came up with the idea together, so it’s not something I can keep away from him. I’m worried this might affect my writing, and I’ve asked him not to read my posts so far. It’s definitely a sticky situation. To address your question, I would never want to know my sexual review; I wouldn’t want to risk hurting my confidence in bed. Interesting topic!
Yeah…. It’s probably safer not to know. Ignorance is bliss as they say!
I’d always take constructive criticism. If I’m better in bed, that’s going to work out as more pleasurable for me, right?
I wouldn’t want anyone to read a review I’d written of them because whilst learning your areas for improvement might be a good idea, my blog is written for a different audience. I might write X was a really shit kisser, but if I’m with X, and I’m kissing X, it’s obviously not quite so simple. I must believe X has the potential to be at least a pleasurable kisser otherwise I wouldn’t be kissing him again. I wouldn’t say ‘hey X, you’re a shit kisser,’ I’d have a job of careful guidance to improve the situation.
I squirt, ‘bite, scratch, moan, groan, grunt, writhe, wriggle, etc. I deep-throat, I gag, I spit, I nibble, I pay attention to the balls, I swallow’ too.
Glad it’s not just me. I don’t know how I would take that kind of “constructive criticism” though…. Surely we all think that we are good in bed already? It just makes me think – I can’t be the only person that thinks these bad things about these guys in bed, right? There must be other women out there that has said “Oh he is a bad kisser” or “He has no rhythm in bed”… How come these girls have never told him/them this either? Why does every guy THINK he is good in bed???
Hmmm….I think I would want to know, but then if it were bad Id never want to sleep with the person again for sure because Id be embarrassed that they didnt like it. Not everyone is a good match in bed. There have been times I thought a guy was fantastic and a girlfriend didnt think he was so good in bed, or she thought he was all that and I thought he sucked. I think out of curiosity Id read it and try not to tale it personally but it would be hard. Id love to read a positive review though!
Oh totally! Everyone has different tastes, right? However… Those guys that are REALLY bad in bed – someone should probably tell them they are REALLY bad in bed to prevent other women having the same fate! I just don’t want to be THAT girl lol!
I’d LOVE LOVE LOVE to read a good review. That would make me smile 😉
OOOH I would hate the guys I know to read my blog… or my offspring or my parents. Although I have shared with quite a few friends to be honest. I feel quite differently about “good in bed” cos to me I think you can be rubbish with one guy and amazing with another (and same for them) it’s as much about chemistry for me 🙂 x
That’s a very good point! I liked that! I guess it’s more the connection than whether or not you are good or bad.
I’d be so embarrassed if anyone ever read my blog. Brutally embarrassed. It’s bad enough admitting to myself how confusing my love and sex life has become, without having to deal with the people I know seeing it all as well! Let’s just say I won’t be revealing myself any time soon hahaha! 🙂
Great post! Ignorance is bliss for me lol! Just like I hate and actively avoid overhearing private conversations between people I know, I would not want to hear the brutal truth about what I’m like the sack that’s not meant for my ears/eyes. If someone wants to talk to me in private about my technique I think that’s fine, welcome even. Who doesn’t want to improve right?! But yeah the ol sexuality is such a delicate topic that it can take a lot of getting over when someone is openly and publicly and brutally critical of your sex.
You obviously protect the names of the people, but there is the phenomenon of the “Root Rater” facebook pages where people name and review their sexual encounters for all to know, particularly in high schools. This, I think is pretty bad. I’m all for bringing sexuality out into the open, through sharing and sex positive educating, sex should not be hidden or taboo. But these kinds of ‘naming and shaming’ sites are pretty destructive.
All I can say is I am damn glad I was out of high school before Social networking and smartphones! And as the commenter above stated it’s all subjective, it’s all about chemistry. Some girls have told me I’ve made them feel incredible and others I’ve totally flopped with. I don’t think I’m incredible or a flop, it all depends on the interaction 🙂
Oh me too! I’d hate to be a youngun in the social networking world! It’s bad enough now, and we’re meant to be grown-ups! That site that you mentioned is disgusting. I know I can’t really talk, but I keep it anonymous for a reason. I make damn sure that no one finds this, or knows that I wrote it. I could never publicly and honestly give someone a good OR bad named review, especially not on some website. I would be distraught if someone were to put me on those websites as well.
Thanks so much for your comment! Xoxox
No, I don’t suppose I would really… But I sound a bit like you in bed as I put my all into it and certainly don’t just lie there – hate giving BJs though. The strange this was, when I went off one of my long-term boyfriends and couldn’t bring myself to break up with him, I couldn’t have intercourse with him any more but COULD give him BJs – I think it was just less personal and didn’t really involve me the same.
Does he know you call him ‘One Ball’? 😉
Hahaha! No he has a “real” name away from the blog!
The Guy I couldn’t get rid of – the last guy before One Ball, was very sexual towards the end but I couldn’t bring myself to touch him, which is how I knew it was over. I found myself making excuses. Thankfully, at the time, my “monthlies” were all over the place so I could use that as a reason for the most part. He stayed over a few times and I hated it when he touched me, which is how I knew it was definitely over. I was also like that with The Lapdog, the guy before him, except for when he wasn’t available to me of course. When he got himself a new girlfriend, I just wanted him even more. It’s strange how that works out, hey?