Why Do I Want What I Can’t Have?
There’s a guy. I mean, there’s always a guy, but it’s a guy that I’ve not introduced you to already. It’s not The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of (who I still haven’t dumped, by the way) or The Really Beautiful Man. The guy I want to talk about today is Number 19, otherwise known as The Lapdog.
We love each to death, but every time we’ve tried to give our relationship a go it just hasn’t worked. I struggle to commit to him, probably still because I’m always pining for some other guy when we meet up and try again. This time around, it’s Big Love. It’s a regular pattern: we end a big love affair with someone else, reconnect with each other, fuck a bit, and then fuck each other when it comes to moving on. I’ve done it, he’s done it, that’s just the way we go.
He always turns a little stalker-ish when we part ways yet again. We had a recent falling out recently because we tried-and-failed again, and he went through a little phase of posting my favourite candy bars through my letterbox. Then there was the six-page, handwritten love letter. And the CD mixtape. And the drawings of me. And the photos of us … I mean, I could go on for some time. It happens every time. I have a memory box of stuff from him and it’s virtually stuffed to the brim with stuff, mostly accumulated during yet another of our weird breakups.
We first started dating around seven years ago. He’s a couple of years younger than me and I just didn’t think that was right for me. We tried and failed because of My Mr. Grey, tried and failed because of another guy, tried and failed because of someone else, and then I met The Hubby. We got married and moved away, and The Lapdog became another fond memory of love affairs gone by. We had absolutely no contact for the longest time, that time. Four years or so in total. But then The Hubby and I broke up and we got back in touch, before losing it again right before I moved to the other side of the world for Big Love. And then, of course, I came home. And, in true ‘us’ form, we reconnected again.
Have you kept up with everything so far?
Our last attempt, a few months ago, was the closest we’d gotten to being in a real, honest relationship. Like, the real deal. Not just friends with benefits or two people that didn’t know what they wanted … a real relationship. The only thing missing was our changed relationship statuses on Facebook. Our families assumed we were together, as did our friends and co-workers, but I got scared again. Just like I do every time we try. I told him that I didn’t want a relationship and that I felt I needed to continue to heal from my breakup with Big Love. It wasn’t a lie, but it was only half-truth. I do want to move on and find a new relationship, and I’m fairly certain I wanted that a few months back too, but I’m waiting for something that’s totally perfect. Not something I’m not sure about. And with The Lapdog, I’m just not sure. He can get crazy when things aren’t going right for us. Like I previously mentioned, there was the candy-bar-through-the-letter-box situation. I don’t know how to handle him when he gets crazy like that, you know? And it’s not like I can tell him that.
Yo, dude, I like you a lot and I’d do anything for you and the sex is great but …. well, you CRAZY sometimes and it scares the shit outta me.
So, he saw on Facebook that I was in a new relationship with some new guy — The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of, and quite rightly, he was upset. How could I be in a relationship with some new guy when I’d literally just told The Lapdog that I wasn’t ready for a relationship? I told him that the new relationship wasn’t right either (probably shouldn’t have said that) and I was screwing up all over the place, but I still wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship.
And then The Lapdog moved on.
You’d think I’d be happy about this. If he has a new girlfriend, he’s not being crazy around me, right?
WRONG.
I’m never happy. Now I’m jealous. The green-eyed monster is out in full force and although I don’t want him, I don’t want anyone else to have him either. I especially don’t want his new girlfriend to have him. Not that I have a problem with her specifically … but I do. (Ex-girlfriend crazy logic, okay?)
It feels like he’s doing things to get a rise out of me. He keeps posting things on Facebook where he’s deliberately calling her the same nickname he once called me. They’re in photos pulling the same silly poses that we once did, and he’s taking her to the places that we once hung out.
Yes, I know I’m being irrational, but I’m jealous.
I know I sound like a crazy bitch right now. In fact, I hold my hands up to being a crazy bitch right now. He stalked me and wouldn’t leave me alone when I actually wanted him to, and now he’s moving on and leaving me alone (ish), I want him to pay me some attention again. But it’s because I adore the guy. I honestly, genuinely, really do. I just think that maybe we’ve both got some growing up to do, some figuring out to do, and some life to live first. I don’t know why that makes sense and maybe it doesn’t make sense at all, but it does in my head. I think we’re probably right for each other, but we’re just not right for each other right now.
But oh-my-fucking-god I’m jealous right now.
Why do I always want what I can’t have?
Image by Thomas Wolter from Pixabay
