Ex-Husband
Number: 28
Length: 5 years
If I had to describe this relationship in three (ish) words, I would say: traumatic, abusive, and life-changing.
The Most Beautiful Boy in the World
He was the most beautiful boy in the world. That’s what I thought when I saw the boy that would become my husband, for the first time. He caught my eye immediately, and from that very glance I was obsessed. Unhealthily so, probably. I could never have known how much that boy would end...
That Time I Got a Cherry Stuck In My Vagina
Today, friends, I’d like to tell you about the time I got a cherry stuck in my vagina. It sounds bad (and it was,) but I started out with the very best of intentions… and, as always, things went slightly (completely) awry. Please, allow me to explain...
I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing
I thought he was joking, but he reached above us to the radio-alarm clock on the bedside cabinet and switched it on. Aerosmith’s I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing was playing on the local radio station, about one-quarter of the way through. He started singing, and I couldn’t help but giggle...
His Best Mate’s Girl
I’d been out shopping with The Girl I Can’t Forget when I received a weird text message from a squaddie friend of mine and Whisky. Let’s call that friend Milkman. “I think you should know that your fella is shagging his best mate’s girl,” the text said, and my heart started pounding in my...
Birthdays, Buckfast, and Blowjobs
My birthday was coming up. That’s how my tale of birthdays, Buckfast, and blowjobs started. Bestie and I had planned the motherfucker of all parties in The Flat. That was what we did, what we were known for. As I’m pretty sure I’ve already said: our ‘gatherings’ were infamous...
The Kidney Infection
A few weeks after we reconciled, Whisky got out of bed in the morning, kissed me on the forehead, and left The Flat to go to work. On the same morning, approximately two hours later, Bestie came in to wake me up and found me unconscious. One nee-naw ambulance ride later and I was...
Naked Chef
He would smile into my mouth, mid-kiss, in a way that just made me melt. I would make him laugh, then kiss him halfway through, just to feel that smile against my lips. He did it then, on that evening, in my-slash-our kitchen. Naked Chef Night, we called it afterwards...
Engaged
Whisky and I had been together for less than a year when, one night, one of our friends (let’s call her Lisa) said this: “You two are perfect for each other. You should totally get engaged.” I laughed and looked at him… but he wasn’t laughing. “We should, you know,” he said. We were all drunk already, but I hadn’t realised he was that drunk.
Number 29: The Prison Warden
It started as a joke, then moved on to rules, and the next thing I knew, Whisky and I were scooting over so that The Prison Warden could get into my bed. Oh, to be a drunken fool again, eh?
The Canterbury Tales
Have you ever had a hunch about something that’s so strong, you can’t help but investigate it? Well, I had that hunch a lot with Whisky. I can remember when it started, too. I was at work and he was in The Canterbury Tales, having a few drinks. We were texting as usual…
The First Fight
Everything happened really fast. That’s mostly what I remember during The First Fight, anyway. Not that it was our first fight. That had already happened. But it was the first one to go the way it did. It was one of those times in life that seemed to move fast-forward VHS-style, scratchy screen included...