I’ve Got To Let You Go

10/10/2015: Operation Blog Catch-Up

Dear Jock,

I’ve got to let you go. I really do. And before you ask it’s not because of The Director. Well, maybe it is a little bit but it’s more because of myself. Because one day I need to learn that what’s done is done and a year later, I reckon we’re pretty much done. Don’t you?

I need to let myself have a little bit of happiness. I need to do some stuff for me – the things that make me happy. If I were to get back together with you how long would I be happy for? A few weeks? Maybe a few months? A couple of years perhaps? Long enough for us to get married and have a couple of kids? And then what? All those problems we faced back then would come right back around to haunt us. Those problems we had – if they were fixable we would have fixed them. We would have found a way to make it work if it really meant that much to us. Wouldn’t we?

I wasn’t innocent. I hold my hands up. I’m sorry for the way we together destroyed our relationship. I loved you very much. I still do love you very much. But I’ve got to let you go.

I have found someone I really like and although we’ve not been dating for very long, the entire time I have been wondering whether or not I was doing the right thing in actively pursuing a relationship with someone brand spanking new. My heart still laid well and truly with you. Someone New had the potential to be someone very special to me and I never gave him the chance. I don’t blame you completely for that but I do think you had a part to play in it.

I never gave myself the chance to get over you. I jumped into something with him way too soon. What an idiot. I just needed something to take the pain away. I’m sorry I let that happen between us. I would imagine he walked away from that relationship just as hurt, maybe even more so, than I did.

If I continue to pine for you like I have been, I’ll never get the chance to have something truly meaningful with anyone else. I don’t know if The Director is that man but he certainly stands a good chance so far. He’s really sweeping me off my feet and I’m not 100% sure how. It’s the same way you swept me off my feet – brutally, with everything you’ve got and at full speed. I didn’t stand a chance with you and I don’t think I stand much of a chance with him. It’s probably a bit too soon to make that prediction but things are going much better than I had anticipated and I’m truly excited about it. What’s the point in me not giving this all I’ve got? What’s the point in me not making an effort? What for? In the hope that one day you’ll see that you’re not blocked on Facebook anymore and send me a message? I’ve been willing you to do that for weeks and you haven’t. I’ve even written a hundred and one messages out to you and not once have I had the balls to send any of them. I don’t know what I fear the most – you responding or you not responding. I don’t know which result would be the most destructive. I know both of them would leave me feeling fucked so I think it’s probably for the best I don’t open Pandora’s box. What would be the point?

I will always be eternally regretful of what happened between us. When my work colleague told me you’d be the one to make me change my mind about having kids, I thought it would be because I would have them with you. She smartly pointed out today that her prediction was still true. You did change my mind about having kids but it didn’t necessarily mean that I would end up having them with you. Maybe I would have them with a new partner? A better partner? She said that maybe you had opened my eyes to what I truly wanted from a man in my life and from life in general? Maybe you just clarified a few things for me?

I want an older man. I want an older man who can put up with my sassy-panting and temper tantrums and who treats me like the spoilt little princess I really am. (I’m not that bad really!) You always found my temper tantrums adorable and said you couldn’t help but laugh at how cute I was. You always kissed your way out of our fights and knew how to use humour to calm me down when I needed it the most. I know now that I need that from a partner. I also know that in return for putting up with my somewhat unreasonable behaviour sometimes, I would treat him like a King. I did with you and I’m following suit with The Director. And in return he’s treating me the same way as you did. He’s humouring my temper tantrums and treating me like the princess-y little brat I am.

So I’ve got to let you go. I’ve got to stop dwelling on the past. I’ve got to stop hoping that you’ll make your way from my past to my future. What we had is finished, over, done with. What’s the point in holding on? If it were meant to be, it would have found its way back to how it was by now. It’s time for me to accept that. Irrespective of The Director, I genuinely want to find true love with someone. I want to get married and settle down, maybe have a couple of kids if my body allows it. I’m never going to have that if I keep holding on to my pipe dream with you.

So I’ve got to let you go.