I’m Trying.

I’m trying to be strong but sometimes I can’t help but think about it, about him. I’m keeping busy. I’m not letting my mind have the space or time to think about what I learned, or the photo I saw when I went looking for it. I don’t want to think about him. I don’t want to think about his engagement. I don’t want to think about the photo of the two of them, happy and very much in love. I don’t want him to occupy any part of my brain. But he is. It’s happening and you know what, I think I need to talk about it a little bit.

I purged. Every teeny tiny little reminder of him in my life was boxed up and thrown away. I threw away the shoes he made me for Christmas in the glass stand. I like a certain manufacturer of motorbike and I’d always said I wanted a pair of shoes like the ones the skinny, scantily-clad race girls wore at the start of the race. Apparently you couldn’t buy them so he made me them. Not only did he make me them but he also knew I would never wear them so he put them in a glass stand, a little bit like the magical rose out of Beauty and the Beast.

I threw away the t-shirts I bought him for Christmas and never got around to giving him because he broke my heart. I threw away the birthday card I found that he signed “Your sex panther” and the nightstand light he made me out of a pair of shoes and some fairy lights. I threw away the train ticket stubs I kept from my birthday surprise. I threw away the book he’d bought me when we went to the zoo for our third date. I threw it all away. I had to.

I needed to get everything that ever reminded me of that man out of my life. I went through my Facebook account and deleted every photo of him, every photo that was ever taken by him, every photo that ever reminded me of a time I’d once spent with him. I did the same with my Instagram account too. I put every letter I’d started writing to him and never finished in the garbage bag. I cleansed my phone of every song that ever reminded me of him. The purge, it took about two hours and the entire way through, I cried and listened to our song on repeat – All of Me by John Legend.

I need to get over that man. I need to stop this unhealthy obsession with him. I don’t know how to do it and trust me, I’ve been trying for the last year and a half. I do know that I won’t ever do it all the while I’m being reminded of him. So to avoid that from happening, I need to get rid of everything. Literally everything. Which means I need to get a new tattoo.

I got the Queen of Hearts of my pinkie finger and he got the King of Hearts on his. We were a matching pair and I thought we were always going to be. Evidently that’s not the case. So I need to get my tattoo covered up. It’s the last reminder of him. It’s the last thing I have in my life to remember him by and it needs to go. ASAP.

Sometimes I let my mind wander and I think about their relationship. It’s unhealthy really because there’s a massive part of me that hopes they break up. He’s been engaged before and he didn’t get married then. Part of me thinks he won’t ever sort his life out enough to get married. Or maybe he has… Maybe she was the one girl he had been searching for his whole life? It just breaks my heart because when we were together, he told me he knew I was ‘the one’. He knew that no other love would ever compare… It’s been less than a year and he’s already engaged to someone else. Maybe she’s pregnant? No, I definitely, 100% CANNOT fucking think about that. Nope. That hurts too much.

That’s why I need to keep myself busy. I need to write and smoke too much pot and not think or feel about anything for a while. I need to just let autopilot do its thing because honestly, the pain I feel when I stop and think him and her together is crushing. It’s like a huge weight on top of me. This doesn’t feel much like closure. In fact this feels a lot like torture. I wish my friend hadn’t told me. I wish I didn’t know about this. I feel crushed.

If I let my mind wander enough, it tells me to sign in to my grandfather’s Facebook account and look up both him and his new finance on Facebook. I can’t unblock either of them now. Ever again. I can’t do that to myself. I literally don’t know what I would do with myself if he ever got in touch with me again so I will avoid that at all costs. He will now be forever blocked as far as I’m concerned. And her too.

But I don’t look. I can’t look. I know that will pain will drown me. I know I’m at a crossroads right now. I can either let myself get dragged under into a black hole I can already feel myself sinking into, or I can drag myself out of it. When I seriously considered self-harming for the first time in years, I knew I was sinking. I won’t let that happen again. I won’t look. I can’t look. I’ve done as much damage to myself as I’m willing to do.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I think about him. Even though I’m trying to hate him with everything I have, I still love him. It still hurts. Maybe if I’d told him that a year ago, none of this would have happened? Maybe if I hadn’t ignored that message he sent me in April, we would have gotten back together and it would have been ME with the rock on her finger.

But it’s not and I really need to start accepting that. He’s never going to be MY Beautiful Tattooed Jock again and that’s starting to sink in now. I hurt but I feel different. Maybe that’s what they mean by closure? I’ve finally accepted we won’t get back together, that I can’t let him back into my heart again, and now it’s definitely time to move on.

I just wish I knew where to start.