I Plan to Sleep in Late Tomorrow

Something happened to me today that was utterly ridiculous. I was happily stood behind my counter, minding my own business and this figure came towards me. Short, stocky, grey hair, little chubby face …

From the other end of the store, I could have sworn it was Jock. He got closer and I could feel my eyes welling up. My palms started to get sweaty. I started to feel agitated and like time was actually moving in slow motion. For a moment, I didn’t dare breathe. He got closer still, the short, grey-haired man, and then closer still. My eyes were drawn to his arms … no tattoos. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t Jock.

Phew.

I went white as a sheet, apparently. My work colleague was actually rather worried. The poor guy asked me if I was okay and I didn’t really have much of a choice but to explain about the man who spectacularly broke my heart. Grabbing my phone, I looked through some of my old photos to find one of Jock to show him. When I clapped eyes on his face again, in a photo of him dancing around my bedroom, my heart sunk to my feet.

My work colleague, never one for tact or subtlety, said: “What did you see in that guy?! He looks like your dad or something.”

He’s probably right, but I didn’t care back then and I’m certainly not going to start caring now. It doesn’t change how I feel about him, even now. Even with Someone New and all the time has passed, the thought of coming face to face with Jock fills me with butterflies, dread and love, all at the same time. It annoys me how much he still manages to get to me. It really, really does.

Speaking of Someone New, he’s gonna say the L-word soon. I’m still 100% not ready for it. I’m genuinely considering telling him, face to face, that he should keep it to himself. He keeps dropping these little hints…

I have his <3

He <3 ’s my little face

Heart, heart, heart, heart, heart

I’m worried this guy is running away with us. I’m still not 100% his, I don’t think. He’s not done anything wrong, and he’s actually being the perfect boyfriend, but I’m not there yet. I’m taking my sweet-ass time. I wish people would let me. He keeps reminding me of how long we’ve been together; four months, in case you weren’t sure. Is it even okay to say the L-word at four months? Is it too soon? I’m struggling to keep up with all the nice things he keeps saying to me and it’s all a bit much. I don’t get it. I like him, and one minute I can have the strongest feelings for him, but two-minutes he says something rushy and I want to run away again.

I just want to tell him to slow down.

Someone New, please slow down.

I’m still too fragile from a really difficult time in my life. I’m not ready to rush headfirst into my next romance chapter. The fact that today happened at work, the whole Jock-lookalike thing, surely just shows I’m not over my ex yet? Should I even be in this ‘relationship’ with you – Someone New?

You’re a very special guy and I kinda want to keep you in it for a while. If you drop the L-Bomb soon, I’m pretty sure I’ll run a mile. I don’t think my heart or my head could handle that right now. Just let me lick my wounds and take things at my own pace. I’ll tell you when it is acceptable to drop the L-Bomb. Don’t worry. You’ll know.

So how do I say that to him? I can’t just say that to him…. Can I?

Today was tough. I plan to sleep in late tomorrow. Very late.

Night all x

Featured image by Free-Photos from Pixabay