I Guess We’ll See What Happens…

I stalked Jock in the middle of the night and I learned something new. Did I mention I had unblocked him? Well, I did. And no, I don’t regret doing it.

He’s added a few new friends recently, and there’s been a few friends we’ve had in common too. No mutual friends, but he has mutual friends with some of my friends now, and I think he may have moved closer to where I live. He may even have gotten that job he went for – the job I helped him go for. The job I never found out about. I think he got it.

It’s a little unnerving thinking he could be living as close to me as he is. I wonder if he’s seen me, or if we’ve gotten close to bumping into each other? I wonder a lot of things. Pointless exercise I know but I do. I think about him so much still. That’s why I unblocked him. I want him to message me. I want to message back. I won’t message him first which I appreciate is a little counterproductive seeing as my response to his last message was to block him after three days. I don’t care. I want him to get in touch either to get that happy-ever-after I’m still 100% sure I want with him, or to get the closure I so desperately need. I don’t know what I want or need but I know it’s not right for me to still be this consumed with him almost a year later. I still feel breaking up was the wrong decision. I’m just hoping he feels the same and checks me out some time. More than that, I hope he bites the bullet and sends me a message too. More than anything.

I know what you’re thinking. I know you all think I’m bonkers. I also know I shouldn’t be in the relationship with Someone New and eventually, I will figure all that out too. But how and what I feel for Jock, it’s not going anywhere. I need to deal with it. I wish I knew what that meant.

The thought of bumping into him scares me. I know I’ll cry. It doesn’t matter what he looks like, whether he’s fat or all buff and beautiful. It wouldn’t matter how grey his hair had gotten or how dirty he was, or whether he was working and grubby… None of that shit would matter to me. All that would matter is that smile, those eyes, that voice. I miss it all, all of him. Still. That’s not right.

I’d love to bump into him. Fear aside, I’d give anything to see him again. To hear that laugh, that infectious laugh. He has the power to turn everything around – every bad day. If I’d made him aware of that more while we were together, or even remembered it a little more myself, we probably wouldn’t have broken up in the first place. I know I was so very consumed by everything I was going through at the time with my health that he was the last thing on my mind. I was demanding. I was hard work. I know he should have dealt with it a lot better than he did, but I can’t deny my part in the breakdown of us. I’m not immature enough to think I did nothing wrong. I’m mature enough to know when I need to admit I was wrong, and I was about many things. I just wish I had the chance to say that to him.

I wish I had the chance to tell him I know it wasn’t all his fault. I wish I had the chance to tell him I’m sorry for the awful things I said and did in the heat of the moment. I wish I had the chance to tell him he was the only man I had ever TRULY imagined having children with, and how much of a great father I felt he would be. The thought of him getting another woman pregnant horrifies me. I dread the day I learn about that. I don’t think I would ever forgive myself if the second chance I think we’re owed never came around. That’s why I unblocked him. I’ve been following my head for the last year and it’s gotten me nowhere. I’m still miserable without him. Much more miserable without him than I ever was with him. And before you say it, I have been focusing on me. I have taken the time to be single and to focus on making me happy. I quit my job and worked on my career which is going pretty well (for once), and I’ve been saving to move out of the house I hate. I’ve signed up to a gym. I’m starting to eat a little better again. I’m taking care of me. Well, aside from the sick days I am anyway.

But I’ve done all that and I’m no closer to getting over him than I was a year ago. I’m no closer to moving on or wishing him the best. I wish him all the best, I just wish him the best with me! So now I’m following my heart. My heart told me to unblock him. My heart told me to stalk him. Let’s see where that gets me. I’m definitely not brave enough to message him first so don’t worry about any of that. But I’m seriously hoping he makes the first move. And if he does, it’ll just reiterate the point I’ve been making to myself (and to you guys) repeatedly over the last year – we weren’t meant to break up like that. I’m not deluded enough to think we could just make it work and get back together, but I’m hopeful that we could at least try.

I guess we’ll see what happens.