He Lied
One Ball met from me from work today, along with Bestie. We went for coffee, chatted, laughed, and joked. It was actually a pretty awesome evening. It made me very happy to see my best friend and my new boyfriend getting along so well. Until Bestie went home, that is, and One Ball gave me a ride back to mine. Then he dropped the newest bombshell in this saga that is meant to be our relationship.
Let me just fill you in on some background stuff: he already lied to me once. He told me he had two kids, then three kids, and then, a while later, he admitted he has five. There was a seven-plus year-long relationship with the mother of the children. I forgave him for his lies and came to terms with the fact that he had five children. I even took an interest in them, asking questions and actually listening to the responses. It didn’t feel forced; I was genuinely interested. I was genuinely trying to make an effort.
And then came the next fucking drama …
“I have something I need to tell you.”
Thankfully, the number of children didn’t increase again. But the number of mothers did. All five children weren’t born from the same mother, as he’d told me. Instead, there are two mothers. There was a girlfriend, the mother of the first three, and then there was the wife, the mother of the latter two. The eldest child is seven and the youngest is three.
What??
All of a sudden, I have two exes to deal with. I’m a pretty jealous and paranoid person, something I’ve never ever tried to hide from him, but now I’m expected to deal with not just more children than he initially led me to believe, but also more exes and mothers of his kids? And there are step-kids now, too. Mothers have gone on to have new relationships and new families. I can’t keep up. There are now too many other people in this relationship. There are also now so many questions …
Why would he lie about the number of kids he has? I mean, I know why he lied because he told me … but what kind of father does that? And do I really want to be with that kind of man? Surely he should prouder of them more than anything else in the world?
Also: if he genuinely wants to have a real relationship with someone who will take his kids on board, doesn’t it make sense that they ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT THEM?? No relationship is going to work when it’s based on lies, especially whopping great lies like how many children you actually have, or how many women gave birth to them.
And what does all of this mean for us? He LIED to me. Repeatedly. That’s not something you do when you think you might have a future with someone. You don’t just lie to them over and over again and hope for the best. I certainly don’t act that way. I could half understand one of the lies, but both of them? Nope. No understanding there.
Am I that much of an unapproachable monster that he felt like he couldn’t say those words to me — the truth?? If I took two kids on board, and then three, and then five, why would he still feel the need to lie about the women of his past? If he really thought we were going to be a long-term thing, surely he must’ve known that something would come out in the end? It makes me wonder what else he hasn’t told me. What other lies does he have hiding up his sleeve? And when are those lies going to come tumbling out? Later on, when we’re months or years into the relationship when hearts are definitely going to get broken?
I have so many questions in my head right now. My thoughts are a blur of puzzles that I can’t seem to get straight. He’s had so many kids in such a short space of time, and with very little time between them. Does that mean there was an overlap between the two women? And how is his relationship with those two women now? Are they friendly? Or are they the kind of exes that will try to ruin my life? And can I really deal with this? Honestly? I like him. I definitely like him a lot more than I did at the beginning, but what else is going to come out? I have this weird gut feeling that we’re not quite done with all the truths yet, but do I really want to see what might (or might not) come next?
It can never just be simple, can it?
Here is where you are my friend! If you allow him to just speak and you don’t judge you don’t have a thought and you truly listen to allow him to say everything that is in him, something deeper will emerge this is how connection is birthed. We get so caught up in the moment that the moment that needs to happen to create a deeper connection between you. You can’t judge someone you wish to be with, If someone has not told you everything it is because they can’t hear everything inside themselves. If this is something you allow, do so and do so with care. It doesn’t mean you are making a decision to be with them it means you are giving them space to allow another to see them in what they have inside of them. Sometimes it takes great patience to allow this to happen as emotions start to speak inside the other and then perceptions become created and then something is lost in the connection that is never cemented. If he was a best friend, how would you allow the best friend to know you are going to listen to them, listen without judgement listen without giving advice, just listen… Is that what you want? Is that what you need? Is that what you want him to do for you? Everyone always has something going on in them. Why not ask yourself inside what you want from this? If it is the truth then allow the truth to come to you, I truly believe there is more to this person than his past! As there is in you. None of those things define you now! Allow you to see this in yourself for him to see it to! Not sure if that helps but I wanted to ask the direct question. Is the energy he is feeling around you that open caring energy to be able to say anything or is it a judging energy that is keeping him slowly seeping information out till it makes you run away in the end.. He could be feeling that from you and not even know it himself. If he can’t accept the things about himself how can he expect you to?
I just hate lies … had a 9 month relationship with someone who lied so much over everything big and small … it really isnt a good a start! If he has lied about these two things arent you dubious about the rest ot the story? hugs x
Very much so! I like him a lot, and he doesn’t strike me as an asshole. I do get why he lied, well part of me does anyway. I just wish I wasn’t in two minds. Part of me wants to give him a chance and see where it goes, and the other part of me is reminding me of all the things that happened with men before him – all the lies, the hurt, the pain, the deceit… I can’t tar them all with the same brush though, can I? Humph.
Ah those wonderful skeletons that fall out of our closets. Look at it this way, yes the lies were unessesary and I’m not saying he was right to tell them however, would you have shown as much interest in him had he been up front? Maybe but, he’s not proud of those skeletons and he’s likely lost more than one potential lover because of them. Now, should you forgive him, the real test would be seeing how many ex’s are hostile and/or interferre with your relationship.
I liked this comment. You made me think, and I actually agree with you. I’m deciding to give it a shot… I guess we’ll wait and see?
Take it slow, that’s all I have to offer. You never know what other issues may be lurking but those certainly are big ones. I had (had) my own issues that I was never fully open about with others. Although I never lied about it, my silence regarding said issues was just as bad as a lie. Get him to open up, tell him you want all of it now, not later. Also realize that just because he lied about the kids, etc. that doesn’t make him a chronic liar; that makes him ashamed of his past.
That’s true. He has promised no more bombshells now, which I’m willing to believe. I wouldn’t have minded if he had “omitted” certain bits of information, but they were blatant lies to questions I asked which is what I had a problem with. I’m hoping its now all out in the open. We are definitely taking it slow – 6 weeks in, we’ve only slept together a handful of times, no sleepovers, no meeting family, etc. we’re only just introducing each other to friends. We’ll see how it goes.
Thanks for your comments xoxo
Good for you 🙂 and, you’re very welcome. xxoo