Following The Rules: Write It Down

I decided to take my own advice if you remember rightly. I decided to follow all the rules I’d set out in the book to allow for a ‘successful’ breakup, if there is such a thing? There’s a problem though. It’s remarkably hard to take your own advice. I didn’t plan for this.

There have been so many times I wanted to text The Director but the advice I gave was to write it all down instead. So here it is. All the things I wanted to say to him but can’t… Because (as I f***ing suggested) I needed to block him, delete his number, cut all ties.

*****

You waited less than half an hour between us breaking up and you going on POF. Are you fucking kidding me? Two can play that game. I’m online too and I know you saw it.

Lol… Still going with the ’37’ age are you? Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you’re really 41. Or 42. Either way, lying about your age was one of the biggest warning flags for me. It’ll be a warning sign to other girls too. Plus it’s kinda sad. We all know you’re doing it because girls like me won’t look at the over 40’s.

I find it quite hilarious that you’re online on both POF and WhatsApp constantly and have been all day, yet it takes you DAYS to respond to my messages. Says it all really.

(Four hours later) Oh, you’re still online on Whatsapp. Ha! You’re a fucking asshole.

I want to message you with a rebuttal but it’s not worth my time. In case you ever read this, I did think about it but I gave you the benefit of the doubt too many times. 

I can’t believe you said I overreacted. You’re so sensitive about so many things… You’ve been so sensitive about so many things with me anyway. I can’t count the amount of times you’ve overreacted on one hand… On two hands in fact! Mr. Melodrama. Pffft.

You should probably know that it wasn’t just the whole hiring someone else to do what I was doing thing that ended us. Your last text message kinda gave me the impression that’s what you thought it was but it wasn’t. The breakup was the accumulation of the last couple of months of bullshit – piss poor communication, bad planning, a one-sided asshole (you) and a feisty bitch (me). 

I’m gutted we didn’t get bonus night… Just saying. I’m more upset about losing out on the great sex we had than losing you.

OK, I admit it, that last one isn’t entirely true. I miss you a lot more than I thought I would. I really liked you goddammit. Why is it always the ones I really like who turn out to be the biggest douschebags? Fucks sake. 

Ugh. I actually really liked you. Why did you end up being such a dousche?

I’m actually starting to wonder if the person you’re hiring is a real person or if you just made it up to try and get a reaction out of me. I know when I said I’d stopped looking at your stuff that you were slightly annoyed. It’s funny how that other guy came up directly afterwards. Either way, I hope he does as great a job as I did for you. Just remember the business ideas that I came up with. Yep, me. My ideas. Remember that. Twat. 

Oh, and when you said, “Don’t message me for a few days” you should be aware I had no intentions of doing so. I don’t have ever any intentions of getting in touch with you ever again. You OFFENDED me. You didn’t even understand why.

It’s funny how you managed to add FOUR other women on your Facebook account yet you seemed so reluctant to add me on there. I find that very strange and I always have. I know I’m secretive about my social pages but I gave you my name and showed you where to find me. I also told you to add me so I could help you with your work stuff. You chose not to. I’m starting to question why. 

You’re a bad boyfriend. Or you were with me. You kept acting like you did so much for me but what did you really do? You paid for a couple of dinners and picked me up a couple of times. Yeah I might have been late on occasion but you got more than your fair share out of me. I sucked, fucked, cooked and cleaned for you on multiple occasions, even when I shouldn’t have been doing so. I spent hours working on your business. I would have happily carried on doing so. (Clearly still annoyed by that) I even indulged your anal fetishes. (Yep!) I would have done a lot of things for you. I was a good girlfriend. You were a bad boyfriend. Do you even know what I like in bed?

I still really want to fuck you. I’m quite turned on by the thought of angry sex with you. One last night? 

Maybe I judged this a little too soon? Maybe you weren’t all that bad? I didn’t realise I’d been so cold to you and now I think about it, I don’t blame you for acting that way. Shit. Maybe I made a mistake?

If I said I was sorry, would you come for dinner with me? 

I don’t mean that last thing I just said. Moment of weakness. Ignore it. I’m a dumbass.

I’m more annoyed than I should be about what’s happened between us. 

I’m pining for you a little bit. I miss your stupid, offensive sense of humour. I miss your crappy banter. I miss the dad-jokes too. That’s dumb right? After just a couple of months? If they say it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them, I’ll be over you in about three weeks time. I said this in the book – even the silliest, shortest relationship mean something to a girl. Every ‘breakup’ in every sense of the word gets to a girl. I’m still trying to figure out what I learned from this one though.

I think I’m ‘in denial’. You told me not to contact you for a couple of days and I know you’re at the wedding this weekend. There’s a teeny-tiny part of me hoping you’ll message me after the weekend. Yep, definitely denial. What would be the point in that? We’d agree to meet up and we’d fuck before having another fight and realising this really isn’t a good idea at all. It’s predictable. Too predictable for me anyway. I’ve been here too many times. So what’s the point in hoping you’ll shoot me a message? I kinda figured you might have done it before now anyway. I haven’t quite gotten around to blocking you on Facebook because I’m a moron. I can see you adding female friends. It’s funny because a couple of them have added and then unfriended within a couple of days. This is why I don’t like to add multiple people to my Facebook. My FB is on the down-low. It’s my personal space, you know? I think more people should be like that. It would certainly make stalking all the more difficult. If you’re trying to make a statement to your ex, him not being able to see anything at all will wind him up more than repeatedly seeing pictures of you hanging off yet another guy. I’m just saying.

*****

What blah. Are you cringing? It’s a GOOD job I didn’t send those messages. They were messages I WANTED to send to him. I’m cringing.

OK, so some of the advice I gave in the book is good. I agree with writing it down rather than texting it to him. I’m so glad I didn’t say those things to him. If I had said them, I’d  be looking back and cringing. I’m in so many moods because of him. I’m pissed off that I haven’t heard from him. I miss him because he was someone I genuinely thought I could be with. My ego is dented because he didn’t fight for me. I don’t feel that great. The weather isn’t helping. It’s cold and miserable. I hate being single during the winter. I need someone to snuggle right up to. I think that’s just human though… Right?

The point I’m trying to make is that I don’t know my mind. I know he’s probably not the right guy for me. In fact, I’m like 75% sure he’s not the right guy for me. But because of all those things – the dented ego and the hurt pride, the overdramatic breakup shit that girls feel, all I want is him. But it’s not really. It’s just like smokers who don’t want to smoke. They quit because they hate the smoking habit but within half an hour, all they crave is a cigarette. You go through withdrawal symptoms when you break away from a boyfriend too. Whether he’s a good guy or a bad guy, it’ll happen. It plays with your head and makes you think you want things you don’t really want.

So yeah, well done to me! My first piece of advice successfully taken. There’s a lesson to be learned here… It’s probably for the best that you don’t text him during your breakup. It’ll only make you die with embarrassment when you look back and realise the torrent of bullshit you were spouting.

While you’re here, why don’t you check out The Badass Bitches Guide to Breakups!

“We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so helplessly unhappy as when we have lost our loved object or its love.” 

That was a quote by Sigmund Freud and nothing could be closer to the truth. Unrequited love sucks.

Together, we can get through this breakup. You are every ounce the badass bitch you think you are. You just need a little supportive hand right now and hopefully, my tragic tales will be enough to scare or humour you through it. Someone may as well learn from my pathetic tales of woe… Perhaps I might even start taking my own advice?