Yesterday was a shit day. I broke up with The Director. I was sick the entire day. I felt very sorry for myself. More annoyed by the breakup than I thought I would be and a little more hurt than I gave myself credit for too, the day just sucked. By the time 10pm came around, I was ready to say goodbye so I took a couple of sleeping pills, smoked a doobie and hoped to doze off into the world of nod.
I did, for a couple of hours, and then something woke me. I don’t know what it was or why but I woke up with a start. I couldn’t remember when my last period was. I opened the app on my phone and tried to figure it out. (I’m not the best at remembering to update the app every month.) I had my colposcopy three weeks ago and I remember the gynae asking me when my last period was. I said two or three weeks before that. I had one day of bleeding since then (biopsy + sex related) but that’s it. I haven’t had a period for a while. According to the app, it’s been 66 days.
I made Bestie run to the shop this morning. I needed drug money and a pregnancy test. What a combination. All of a sudden, it dawned on me that if I WERE pregnant, I wouldn’t be needing that drug money. That’s not the only thing that dawned on me either. I told The Dom about my concerns in the middle of the night, and he asked me that one question I hoped he wouldn’t…
“Would you keep it?”
It would be The Director’s obviously. The man I JUST broke up from. What would I do? Facing those pre-cancerous cells on my cervix, I really don’t know. What if I were pregnant, I got rid of it and then I needed to have a hysterectomy? Slight overreaction to this I admit but c’mon… This is something I would have needed to think very seriously about. This HPV situation isn’t going away and I need to face up to it – I’ve had pre-cancerous cells twice in 12 months and the ‘100% effective’ treatment hasn’t quite lived up to the name. Yes, it could all go away. But it might not. If only I had a crystal ball.
At the same time, we broke up because he clearly wasn’t right for me. In my emotional, slightly fragile state, if he’d have tried to fight for me, I’d have melted. I did really like this guy. Really, really like him. I’m both sad and annoyed that we ended, on the inside at least. More so than I thought.
But really… I’m nowhere near ready to have a baby. I’m not financially stable. I’m definitely not emotionally stable… I’m not even in a relationship with the guy. I’d be everything I’d tried to avoid being my entire life. I’d be my mother.
I never ever want to be a single mother. My father didn’t want me and although my step-dad has been one of the best constants in my life over the years, he’s not my father. Y’know? We have a bond but one that only came about in the last few years when I learned to appreciate all the things he did for me but didn’t need to. I don’t want a kid to grow up like that, wondering whether or not daddy’s gonna walk out or questioning why he loved his new family more. I’ve been there and it’s not pretty. I still don’t have answers to those questions and I’m almost 30. I’ve still never met my ‘dad’.
Is that what it would be like with The Director? Would he want to know? Would we try to bring the child up as single parents? Would he want us to try again? Would I even tell him? Five years ago, if I’d found myself in this exact situation, I’d have made the situation ‘go away’ and I would never have mentioned it to the father. What would be the point? But now… Now things are different. I’m almost 30. I’m not trying to get pregnant, don’t get me wrong but if it WERE to happen, could I bring myself to do the thing I was so sure I’d do? Could I bring myself to abort a baby knowing the opportunity might not come around again? Could I?
Do I even want a baby? I thought I did but faced with the reality of that last night, I wasn’t so sure. I’m really immature sometimes. I’m really clumsy. I’m forgetful. Plus all those things I mentioned earlier – I’m not stable, financially or otherwise. I know it wouldn’t have been the perfect situation but even if this was a few months or even years down the line and The Director and I HAD worked out, could I really see myself having kids with him? I started to wonder about the kind of father he might be but I don’t really have much to go on. I’ve only ever seen him around his cats although the love he clearly has for them is utterly adorable. I fall in love with men who fall in love with cats.
But could I? Could I see myself living with him? Having his kids? All that crap?
Thankfully, the pregnancy test I did this morning was negative.