Jock

Drunken Love

notsosexinthecity
Drunken Love

Soundtrack: Come & Get It by Selena Gomez.

Guys, I did something a bit stupid, I think. Or maybe it’s not stupid? I don’t know. Either way, I got drunk on a work training evening and spilled the beans about how I felt to Jock; and now, I regret it immeasurably. I think? Let’s talk about my drunken love, shall we?

Drunken

Me and a few of my work colleagues were sent to a training evening event thing that was set in a pub and had a free bar… so the carnage was probably a little predictable. Did I actually retain any of the training knowledge? Absolutely not. I did flirt with that Work Colleague that I think I’ve got the weirdest mini-crush on, though. And he had apparently warmed up the engine just enough for me to start drunkenly texting Jock all manner of shit. There was horny stuff in there, some funny stuff, some stuff that didn’t make sense… and the stuff we need to talk about.

“Miss you! I rawr you a little bit.”

That’s what I said to him. My drunken, stupid ass had apparently told this bloke the thing that she’d been trying to hold on. She told him she loved him. Basically.

Oh, no.

I guess I meant the words a bit because drinking makes people talk the truth, and all that. And I was drinking. Drunk. Steeped in vodka, beer, and all sorts of other drinks I can’t remember now. But why “a little bit?” Why did I rawr (love) him a little bit? Pisshead. Someone needs to stop me.

I’m so embarrassed now, though. That’s not how I wanted to say it, if I even wanted to say it at all. I hadn’t worked that out yet. We were still dancing around the edges of it, and now I think I’ve given him the upper hand. Bugger.

Drunken Love

The morning after, he wanted to talk about it. Because of course he fucking did.

“You were lovely last night,” he said.

“I’m too hungover to talk about this right now,” I replied.

I didn’t want to think at all with the way my head was banging, and certainly not about whether I was ready to love him.

Do I, though? Do I love him? Infatuated perhaps, but love?! That feels like a really big word – and one that I wasn’t ready to think or talk about yet. Wasn’t I just playing around a bit? Not dating anyone seriously? Still trying to get over the massive disaster that was Big Love? I mean, in all honesty, didn’t I think that Big Love and I would get back together somehow? Still? No “did” about it; I still do think that. And if I think that, I can’t be ready to fall in love with Jock, right? I certainly can’t be ready to say it yet.

I want to talk to Jock about this. I want to tell him how I feel, but how I don’t feel, at the same time. How am I meant to tell him that I’m not ready for the I-love-you’s yet? I mean, how on earth am I meant to tell him that I’m still not over my ex-boyfriend? That I don’t think I’ll ever get over him? That I’m convinced we’ll get back together someday?

I can’t tell him any of that.

So, for now, I’m dancing around the subject. I’m side-skirting it. He brings it up, then I cleverly side-step. I do so wish that he’d stop bringing it up. I was drunk, for fuck’s sake. Worse than that, though… I was drunk, love-texting him, and flirting with my Work Colleague.

Ready for love? I can barely get a grip on commitment.

The next blog post in the dating timeline is this one: Baggage.

Thank you so much for reading my blog today! 🖤

Would you like to read all about Jock’s story, right from the very beginning? You’ll find that right here. 

You can also read all about my disastrous dating history, right from the beginning, right here: Table of Dating Contents. 

Alternatively, why not have a little peek around here:

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