I Need Closure if Nothing Else
I walked over to my desk, cup of tea in hand, flipped open my Mac, and typed in my password. Giving the laptop a moment to wake up, I grabbed my iPhone, unlocking it, going through the applications with notifications… We could be here for a while.
Emails, Whatsapp, Facebook Messenger, Facebook, TimeHop. Fuck.
It was the picture that started a world of shit last year. We went to a local historic town, walked around all day, and went for a coffee and a piece of cake in one of the local quaint cafes. I took a beautiful photo of him that day. He was pulling his stupid faces and waving his arms around as always because that’s what he did, but I managed to snap just one – one that encapsulated everything I loved about him. His cheeky smile and smart sense of humour, those baby-blues that melted me every time, that weird sense of style that I hated and loved in equal measures.
The Instagrammed coffee-shot was uploaded to Facebook, a bunch of filters thrown in for good measure.
“Coffee’s with my dude. Perfect day <3
#coffee #love #lazydays #perfect”
Such an insignificant image at the time but now, so significant. Firstly, this breakup is almost over. The one-year anniversaries of all those heartbreaking moments are coming to a close. In a few more weeks, we will have been broken up for a year. A year. Wow. See – Here We Go Again
Significant also because I know now that photo started the end of us. His Ex saw the photo and started sending him a bunch of asshole text messages, accusing him of favouring me over his (step-)daughter. On the day, he lied and told me nothing was up, trying to pretend that everything was alright. I knew though – he was distant and in his own little world. You see, even when he’d pretend she didn’t bother him, covering up her fucking irrational fights, she still destroyed our time together. We ended up fighting because he had been so distant that day. She ruined as much of our time together as she could. But he never saw that. I never really understood why.
That was the start of our decline really. After that, every time we saw each other, it would be constant fighting over how I was pulling him one way, and the Ex was pulling him the opposite. He could never win – we were never going to accept each other, or like each other, so I guess the fact we broke up was never a great surprise really.
Something else happened when I saw that photo and started reminiscing this morning too. A car drove past my open window, blaring out “All of Me” by John Legend – our song.
I haven’t heard that song in months. I deleted it from my phone, and I never leave it on if it comes on the TV or radio. It still breaks my heart to hear it, so I just don’t listen to it. But this morning, looking at that photo, remembering what happened just a year ago today, I can’t help but think that song playing was maybe a sign? One of those signs I’m not even sure I believe in.
So today, I decided to do something. I am going to unblock Jock. If this morning was a sign, I’m going to go with it. I won’t message him, but if shit is meant to happen here, it’ll happen. He’ll message me. And then maybe I’ll message back.
I need closure if nothing else.
